Why EMfI Stopped

Maybe someday, I'll give a stab at writing "Evil Masterminding for Idiots," Ker's golden-covered tome, as a stand-alone spoof. But I'm afraid that for the foreseeable future, this series is over.

Life was getting boring. Most of the great villains were defeated, redeemed, or retired. The adventurers of the world were beginning to buzz, sensing a new day coming - a day when they might have to get real jobs.

One man decided to turn back that day. Ker, an experienced adventurer and treasure-hunter himself, decided to take matters into his own hands. If there were no villains to be found, why, he'd have to recruit some. Starting with himself.

The problem: A lack of on-the-job experience. Sure, he could foil fiendish death traps, but how to implement new ones? Where would he find men to recruit for a Doom Legion? How could he identify which merchant guilds and temples had secret agendas and would join his cause?

The solution: an unprepossing tome of knowledge uncovered in a local antiquities shop. Its horribly cheerful golden cover proclaimed that it would solve all of Ker's problems, and thus the problems of all of the unemployed adventurers of his nation. This book of forbidden knowledge was...

Chapter 1: Starting Up

Every good evil organization is formed around a nucleus of powerful, evil people. An organization with a single head is more vulnerable to assassination. When getting into the Evil Mastermind business, find a small group of almost-trustworthy individuals who share your goals and whose talents complement your own. Together, you will be much more fearsome than any one of you would be alone. Old adventuring companions, whose habits and weaknesses you know, are ideal candidates.

Chapter 2: Base of Operations

Every Evil Mastermind needs an appropriate base of operations. The gloomy gray granite Evil Citadel is practical as well as traditional. While not terribly original, the Citadel offers strong walls, a variety of murder holes and death traps, and extensive dungeon facilities. Choose a site where the weather is generally rainy, windy, and cold. While doctor bills for the Doom Legion may go up from cases of pneumonia, it is certainly worth it. Your Evil Citadel will not look nearly so imposing in a sunny, flower-filled glade with little chirping birds about.

Chapter 3: The Doom Legion

Some people feel that recruiting the Doom Legion so soon is a mistake. These people would say that it is better to secure the Evil Citadel first, perhaps with a small crew that you can eliminate later to preserve your secrets. Then you can bring your Doom Legion recruits directly to the Evil Citadel, which impresses them far more than if they stay in a hotel for a few weeks beforehand. Plus, having the Evil Citadel in operation gives the new Doom Legionnaires the idea that your organization is perhaps older and more stable than it actually is.

However, recruiting the Doom Legion before the Evil Citadel is set up means that they will be at your command for the move. Do not underestimate the value of this.

Chapter 4: Evil Lieutenants

Make no mistake about it: your Doom Legion will be comprised of cannon-fodder with room temperature IQs. They can only be trusted to keep a decent watch about half the time, never mind performing prisoner transfers. If you want a competent lackey, you will need to recruit some sort of Evil Lieutenant. (Please note: an Evil Lieutenant is a position, not a rank. Your Lieutenant can be your apprentice, general of your armies, or even your consort).

Many Masterminds find Lieutenants, since running a large, malevolent organization can really cut into your free time if you try to do it all yourself. Just as many forego such assistance, since 9 out of 10 Lieutenants will covet your power and attempt to assassinate you, taking it for their own – usually at the worst possible moment. Plan accordingly.

Chapter 5: Oppressing the Locals

The Evil Citadel cannot exist in a vacuum. The Doom Legion must be fed, clothed, armed, and have taverns in which to blow off steam (and have fistfights with disguised Heroes). You will want a nearby local population to provide these amenities to you and your troops.

The locals will vary, based on the location of your Evil Citadel. If you chose to go the traditional route and have placed your Citadel in an inhospitable location, you will have to make do with whatever scrubby agricultural villages are nearby. They have the advantages of being easy to oppress and being relatively few in number, if they should ever rise up against you. This is important. Many Evil Masterminds decide that they’d like to be Evil Overlords, since this often means a posh Dark Palace in or near a grand city. Cities, by definition, have many people, and chances are good the Heroes will try to incite them to revolt against you at some point.

If you choose to go that route, please consider our other publication, "Evil Overlording for Idiots." It has special chapters for dealing with large-scale civil violence and other Overlord-specific issues.

Chapter 6: Names

Many people may know of your organization only by name, so choose one that reflects your aims and goals. First, do you want to be widely known and have thousands tremble at the mention of your name? Then use words that the unlettered, unwashed thousands will understand. “Black Mirror” is good; “The Ebon Brotherhood of Applied Thaumatological Research” is not. On the other hand, if you intend that your organization remain secret, you may choose a pretentious, inflated name that will give its members a sense of importance. These are often, but not always, formed along the lines of “The ---- of ---- ----.”

Words connoting darkness and evil are generally used, and alliteration is a favorite way of creating a catchy, memorable name. Do not use a rhyming name. “Dark Gregor” sounds good; “Dark Mark” does not.

Chapter 7: Resources

Contrary to popular imagination, you do not have to be independently wealthy to become an Evil Mastermind. It is a great advantage if you are! But do not let a lack of funding discourage you from pursuing your goals. Masterminding should be profitable, so you can earn as you go.

Begin at whatever scale your resources allow, and build from there. Always keep your eventual goal in mind, so that you are working towards something, instead of just working. With forward planning and determination, you too can rise from pickpocket to Guildmaster, or from apprentice to Dark Wizard.

Chapter 8: Covert Expansion

Unless you've acquired an Object of Power or otherwise burst onto the Mastermind scene, you will have a startup period during which it would be most unfortunate to be discovered by Heroes. Your goals during this time are to expand your influence discreetly and secretly, gaining a wide net of allies, chumps, and resources before you reveal yourself to the world. You will probably want to work through intermediaries. If the Heroes start sniffing around one of your plans, they may reach the intermediary and stop, thinking they have found a Mastermind. Encourage this. You may lose a few things that you wanted, but your organization as a whole will live to fight another day.

Secretly corrupting important political figures, or recruiting the already corrupt ones, is a fine start. These men and women can also dissuade Heroes from spoiling your plans, insisting that something else, somewhere else, is a far greater threat. They can also sponsor some of your plans openly, insisting that the new army is "for our kingdom's safety", for example. Other powerful people or even creatures, such as wizards or dragons, may make good allies. Be careful to never make close alliances with someone stronger than yourself, however, or you may find that you are playing the chump for him!