Reading Blows.

I hate reading. Why the hell do schools require English class? What point does it serve. I can already speak English and I know how to read. "But we need to expand our literary horizons." Who gives a shit about literature? I read what I want when I want. I don't care what some old hag thinks is important in some book I've never heard of.

Literature sucks. Reading can only serve to:

Ruin your vision.

Take countless hours out of your life when there are many better things you could be doing.

Brainwash you into drones of who they think are good authors.

Make you gain weight.

Turn you into a serial killer.

Any English class you take is loaded with bullshit. Unless you're going to be a writer, poet, English professor, or all three, there is no benefit of an English class.

Deciphering the author's messages in poetry can be very applicable for a student's future adult life, because everyone who goes to a public school aspires to be a poet. Finding metaphor in anything is bullshit. I'm sure you can ask any author if they meant the things your English teacher points out in their work, and they will have no idea what you are talking about. Any writing can contain symbolism. For example, take this quote from the Cats Suck article on this site:

"I hate cats. They are lazy, good for nothing pieces of fresh green pig shit."

Now, let's analyze this. These are the first two sentences I wrote for this site in May 2006. Let me assure you I didn't intend metaphor, symbolism, or any other such bullshit.

Imagery: Using words that appeal to the senses. "Fresh green" puts the true feeling of this work of literary genius. Fresh as if you could actually smell it, green as if you could actually see it.
Metaphor: A comparison not using "like" or "as". "They are...pieces of...pig shit." A comparison between cats and pig shit.
Symbolism: Something that represents something else beyond itself. "Pig shit" represents the laziness of cats and the hatred I have toward them. Pig shit does nothing but lay around stinking up the place, as do cats.
Foreshadowing: Something that predicts a later event in the work of literature. "I hate cats" foreshadows that later on in this piece I will demonstrate hatred of cats.
Characterization: Adjectives that develop a character. The cats are described as "lazy, good for nothing pieces of fresh green pig shit" establishing their character. You know they are the antagonists of this work.
Hyperbole: An extreme exaggeration. "Good for nothing" is clearly an exaggeration because they can be used as pavement.
Personification: Giving an animal a human-like quality. Cats are described as "lazy", a human quality.

So as you can see, you can literally take anything and make up bullshit about it. I didn't take my whole article, nor did I take a passage that could potentially contain many literary elements. I only took the first two sentences from the first article on this site and made up enough bullshit to convince English majors everywhere that it is a work of genius. Apply this to a 1000-page tome and your job is done.

I can't stress the importance of making sure everyone in the world can find symbolism in poetry, because you will need to do that every single day of your life. Take my word for it. I will tell you all the times I've had to do it in my life:

To make fun of it on my website.

That's the only time it has ever come in handy, and even so, I wouldn't have needed to use it if this bullshit wasn't shoved down our throats in the first place. Who cares? Reading is for losers. If you want to keep your vision (and your sanity) don't read anything ever again. Seriously, name one full-time reader without glasses.

Do you know how much time these people waste just reading? Supposedly, you should read 25 books a year. Let's say your average idiot who buys into this lives 75 years, reads 25 book every year, each about, let's say, 10 hours long every year from age 15 to 75. That would be 15,000 wasted hours, approximately 1.71 years. Keep in mind this is non-stop, so considering that we waste one-third of our lives sleeping, we have 50 years to be awake. That means they expect us to spend 1/29 of our time awake and 1/53 of our lives just reading. That's over 27 minutes a day doing nothing. Now, consider that many people read more than that every year, often after age 75 and almost always before 15. Add to that, most books take much longer than 10 hours to read. So to say that we spend 1.71 years is actually a generous number. And what is this all for? It's no more productive than staring at a wall. Reading doesn't make you any smarter. I never read and I'm the smartest person in the world. I don't want to hear this bullshit.

Let's go back to the time when the world made sense, and books were only used for decapitating people.

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Updated: 9/13/06.