Ever look at school food and wonder, "What the hell is this shit?" I know I do. The lunch menu can give you a hint at what they're trying to make, but it can't possibly be what they say it is.
Luckily for you, I have some knowledge of how they really make school food that I will share with you now. I have taken some items off of the school menu as examples of what they should be vs. what they really are, with a rating from 1-10 on the "makes me want to puke" scale (10 being the most disgusting):
- Personal Pizza: This is so disgusting, you'll barf it up before you even start to eat it. Why it's so "personal" is beyond me. This is made out of human brains covered in 70-year old sperm. Rating: 9.77
- Tacos w/ Toppings: The "w/ toppings" part isn't the problem here. It's the "tacos" part. How do they make them? The take a tortilla shell, go out back, and take a shit directly into it. Rating: 5.12
- Hamburger: The meat is made out of ground up pedophiles. This solves one problem, but simultaneously starts another. The thing is, if you eat one of these, you'll become a pedophile. I tried to warn people, but by now, everyone in the school is out to molest 4-year-olds. Grilled pedophiles don't really taste bad, it's just that our school lunch staff doesn't know how to cook it right. Rating: 6.80
- Beef Teriyaki: There's not much to say about this one because I never tried this. It's made out of tree bark, and the rice is actually maggots. Despite this, I've heard it doesn't taste so bad, although an hour later, when you have flies coming out of your stomach, don't be too suprised. Rating: 7.13
- Chicken Tenders: No joke, I literally found a worm in mine a few years ago. Needless to say, I never ate school chicken again. This isn't so bad because it's made out of real chicken. The problem is, they are still alive when they serve them to you. Don't worry, they pull all the feathers out. Well, most of them anyway. You can usually find them in back of the school. They don't cook the chicken, but they do marinate it in diarrhea. Rating: 8.92
- Cheesy Tuna Casserole: Even if this was cheesy tuna casserole, the name itself is enough to make you gag, let alone when you actually see the food. It should be illegal to serve this in a public school, or anywhere else for that matter. The "tuna" is really old cat food that the lunch ladies pick out of the dumpster out back. I don't even want to know what the cheese is, but it's probably the same 70-year old sperm that they pick out of the garbage from the kids who threw out their personal pizza last week. Rating: 10.00
- Macaroni and Cheese: This one's a bit misleading, because one would probably think, judging by the name, that you will actually be served macaroni and cheese. Wrong. It was macaroni and cheese once, but first they eat it, then they throw it up, then the feed their vomit to a dog, who later shits it out and eats it again, then they take the dog shit and shove it up a cow's ass for the night. In the morning, they put it on the street and let a few cars run it over (this gives it the nice leathery texture), just before they eat it again. Then they throw it up right onto the plate you eat it off of. Rating: 187,986.32
That should clear some things up. Just remember the first rule of school lunches: Don't eat them, and make sure to burn down your cafeteria. You'll actually be saving lives by doing this. Hurry, your fellow classmates are counting on you.
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Updated: 6/5/06.
© 2006 Scalping People
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