Text Messages: A New Peak in Human Stupidity.
I know you didn't go here for a history lesson, but you're going to get one:
A long time ago, a man named Alexander Graham Bell invented a revolutionary device, the telephone, which enhanced human capacity for quick communication. A while later, fax machines were invented to transfer written text from one place to another. Later on, emails were invented, and were later on enhanced even farther with instant messenger services. That's when some asshole at some phone company said, "HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA. LET'S MAKE TEXT MESSAGING, A SLOW, INEFFICIENT NEW WAY FOR PEOPLE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER, AT ONLY $7.99/MINUTE!" Now, all the half-witted dumbasses of the world go out with their new phones text-messaging each other, like it serves any convenience whatsoever.
Does anyone else know a scam when they see it? What kind of dumbass would text message someone? I can see all those AOL losers text messaging their friends fifty times a day to say something like "HEY SEXY!!!!LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!! ;) " while executives from the phone companies laugh themselves to sleep with all your money.
Of course, it gets worse. Text-messaging services will provide anything from super hilarious jokes to tell to your friends who know enough not to waste money on this shit, especially when they could look up a joke online if they needed to, to the new peak in human stupidity:
TEXT-MESSAGE SEX LINES

You know something is wrong with the world when bullshit like this comes out. As if phone-sex lines weren't stupid enough, (and run by 50-year-old child molesters trying to do sexy voices) they come up with something exponentially stupider. The commercials always show a bunch of hot young girls getting excited when a customer sends a message, but anyone with half a brain knows that it's either a bot, or the same 50-year-old child molester from the phone sex line.
Who calls for these service anyway? You know you're a loser when you get turned on by a text message. They should make a pornographic film, only instead of people having sex, it will be some loser and a pedophile text-messaging each other. Then, after it's all over, the customer will be $250 in the hole, and will proceed to chainsaw his head off, if I don't scalp him first.
If I ever become a world dictator, I'm going to make cell phones illegal, just to piss everyone off. While I'm at it, here are some other things I would ban:

Commercials
America Online Instant Messenger (not AIM, you lazy assholes)
Magazines
iPods
NHL Hockey
American Idol
Hearing Aids
Zucchini
France
Cats (except my pet tigers)
Houses (except for the castle I'd live in)
Plants (except venus-fly-traps, they kick ass)
People (except for myself)

When I am the only one left, I will clone myself a few billion times to keep myself company. That would be awesome, a world with only a bunch of me. That would be a perfect world. So vote for me. If I become president, I'll merge with Congress and the Supreme Court, send the Army to conquer every nation on Earth, and then I can put my plan into action.
Anyway, text-messaging only makes you look like a dumbass, and it was a stupid idea to begin with. I'm bored. I think I'll go call a text-message sex line.
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Updated: 9/4/06.
© 2006 Scalping People