Lights,
Camera,
Action!!!
Hi, I'm Dick Pleasure. I'm a big name in the adult entertainment business and I'm trying to make my new film "African Love Dog". Hurray!! I've found the perfect actor but the only problem is that he is a 419 fraudster - of all the rotten luck!
I have added notes where necessary.
Click here to carry on where Scamorama left off.
#1
Dear Jonathan,
your email address was given to me by a business associate of mine who was offered an investment opportunity by you but did not have the funds or the time to follow up the offer. Let me tell you a bit about myself.I am a famous director of exotic films but I am coming to the end of my years now and would like to make an investment in order to see me through to the grave. I have an interest in your dark continent as many fine actors that i have used have come from there. I wondered, as I have heard that you are a trustful man, whether you would be able to help me in this area.
Regards,
Richard Pleasure
Dear Mr. Richard Pleasure,
Many thanks to your prompt reply and your willingness to assist me securing this fund (US$235M). As a matter of fact, It is reasonable that you know the genuineness of my intentions and the seriousness of this transaction. Before I proceed, I have to tell you from this very begining that this is a deal. Therefore, it requires utmost secrecy and high level of confidentiality. So keep this a top secret and do not disclose it to anyone. Firstly, this is no game. My aim of contacting your friend is for you to assist me as a PARTNER in ensuring that this fund is transferred safely out of Africa to Europe. I believe it will be safe in Europe, and Europe will afford me the opportunity of investing in a wide range of good areas. The motive therefore is that as a partner, both of us will carry out this transaction and at the end mutually benefit from it. I therefore sent you my first mail on the blind trust and belief that you can be trustworthy and also be capable of handling a transaction of this magnitude. Again, to you it should be rally a wonder that I should send you this kind of business proposal. I however considered the sensitive nature of this deal, given the source of the fund involved. I therefore decided wisely, and I believe it is true, that it will be better to carry out this transaction with a non-African, so that it will not be exposed to any of the African authorities. For this therefore, I embarked on a frantic search for a partner outside Africa. Then when I came accross your name, I was prompted by intuition to contact you, and immediately I became assured that you could be the right person. So what this means is that I have never known you from Adam, rather my spirit encouraged me to write to you, and I believe that you will not disappoint me. I don't want a third party, and so I did not need/want anybody to introduce you to me, or to introduce any other person else to me. This is the truth. I have contacted you, and would want you to accept it with resigna! tion. I am not God, but we as human beings do not know the criteria by which God blesses people. The above explains the fact that I did not mistake your address, but rather explains how I came to know about you. in this case, I have to let you know that I have no cent left after I made payment of all the money charged for the deposit of the four consignments in South Africa, and the transfer of them to Banjul, The Gambia where they are currently staying now. Now, I have to tell you that this deal is known to my confidential secretary, and I am embarking on the business in agreement with him. Like I told you in my first mail, those monies came in late. And then as you should know, issues of finances in any organisation are not made public until an official presentation of budget, incomes and expenditure are made. And as I said in my first mail, I have done this for the AU, and it has been approved by the President Salim Ahmed Salim, and the Secretary-General Dr.Amara Essy. Because this money remains undetected and I was then able to deposit with the Security Company. It is important for you to note that I was able to take out for myself because the excitement and euphoria that greeted the birth of the African Union carried away the leadership and the AU High Command, and therefore gave me this golden opportunity which I am now extending to you. Mr. Richard, what you are required to do is nothing but to prepare yourself to travel to Banjul, The Gambia for the clearing and claiming of these consignments containing the total fund. This will required you to make some expenses, that is clearing the consignments and paying for the demurrage charges. Look, be rest assured that whatever amount you spend in course of this transaction, must be given back to you first before we go into sharing. So, as form thim moment, keep records of what is going to be your expenses. I have spend my last cent in selfkeeping these consignments. And God who introduced you to me knows the best. In Banjul, I have arranged with a seasonal banker, who will assist you to open a Non Residencial Account where the money will be lodged before you will instruct the bank to transfer into you Account in Swiss. I have with me the Certificate of Deposit, and I will apply to the Security Company to re-issue to me another one which will be on you name. With this, you will make the clearing and claim the funds therein. So, furnish me with your full details, eg, your complete address and Cell Phone. I have to call you if the need arise, but you will not call me for security reasons. Remember, non of this security companies know the exact content of the consignments since I declared them as artfacts belonging to a foreigner. As soon as I hear positively from you, I will direct you on how you are to get in touch with the Security Company in Banjul, The Gambia so that you will confirm and negoiate you movement with the authorities in charge. In conclusion, my brother one thing I will not like in life is cheating, and that is why I am offering you 40% of the total fund. I am expecting to hearing from you immediately.
Best Regards,
Jonathan Mokoena.
#2
Dear Mr. Richard,
How are you today? I hope all is well with you. I am writting in regard to the mail i sent to you yestarday. I hope you did received it with much understanding. Therefore, I am expecting to hear from you as to furnish you with the contact details of the security company where the consignments were laying in Banjul, The Gambia, so that you will communicate the authorities in charge to confirm yourself. I expect hearing from you immeiately because delay is dangerous, and time is money.
Regards,
Jonathan Mokoena.
[The phonenumber was taken from a calling card in Kings Cross.]
Jonathan darling!!
i’m fine! How are you my little 8mm? I’m sorry i haven’t been in contact sooner as i have just got back from london where i have been trying to sucure funds for my next goddamned movie baby! yeah!!! i am not very happy because nobody would give me any money. it’s going to be my finest and last film where i actually die in it. for real! i am going to be a stuntman but i am going to get them to use real bullets and blow my fucking head off in the very last scene. isn’t that the greatest? wouldn’t you love to see that on the big screen? well, if we seal this deal then you can. wouldn’t it just make you want to whoop with joy? do you? oh sorry, forgive me i am getting really excited and carried away. Do you like films Jonathan darling? Sweetbaby jesus and the orphans i had no idea of how much money was involved. this is truly a sign of a friendship blessed by god. please, call me dick from now on as it is much less formal, thankyou please. Can I call you Jonathan darling? yes? you are a star.
imagine what i could buy with 200 million dollars. i could make this film and live forever. well, it looks like i’ll be coming to banjo soon in the gambia. i shall book my train tickets over next week. fanny, my wife will also becoming with me as she loves trains. here is my contact telephone number: XXXX XXX XXXX. don’t forget to include the international dialing code for england you crazy bastard. if a woman answers it might be my wife fanny or it might be my girlfriend. if so, don’t tell her about the deal. she is nosey bitch and she will want some of the money. sometimes she gets jealous and lies. insist that you talk to me. my dog,boo boo is a kinky son of a bitch who eats all my post so all mail will have to be electronic. i can’t get this song out of my head at the moment. it’s called “back in ww2 i used to be a seaman and now i just spray it all over my wife's arse.” have you heard it? do you like movies jonathan darling?
god bless you jonathan darling.
god bless president salim tin-pot salim
god bless amara essay
Dick pleasure
#3
Dear Dick Pleasure,
I write to acknowledge the receipt of your mail and it is well observed. Like i told you in the beginning, this business requires utmost secrecy, therefore, I appriciated your efforts in hiding this from your girl friend, but i am sure your wife will maintain the secrecy too. Now, you wanted me to call you on phone, I will not because all the calls we make are all monitored. So it won't give me any room to call you and you can not call me too. Let us communicate through email only. This is for security reasons. As for you coming to Banjul, The Gambia with train, how possible will it be since you are now in England. Dick, I love films and I will love to watch your actings. Please endvoure to come along with some of your films to banjul, The Gambia. Furthermore, this deal we are into is too lucrative, therefore it will involve you spending some money at Banjul for the clearing of the consignments. This money you will spend, will be given back to you first before we go into sharing. I hope to hear from you again so that i will give you the contacts of the Security company in Banjul so that you will communicate the authorities in charge.
Remain Blessed,
Jonathan.
JOHNATHAN DARLING!!
HOW ARE YOU MY LITTLE FLUFFER? YOU SOUND ABSOLUTELY RADIANT!! SUCH A PITY ONE CAN'T TALK TO YOU DIRECTLY. I AM HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING RECENTLY WITH ALL THE EXCITEMENT. I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO SING ME SWEET AFRICAN LULLABIES TO ME. CAN YOU GIVE ME THE WORDS TO SOME SWEET AFRICAN LULLABIES PLEASE SO MY WIFE CAN SING ME TO SLEEP WITH THEM. PLEASE, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.
I WILL TRY TO KEEP THAT FUCKING BITCH OF A GIRLFIEND OUT OF THIS. FANNY THINKS THE DEAL IS A GREAT IDEA AS SHE NEEDS A NEW FUR COAT. SHE SAYS HELLO. WE WENT ROUND TO HAVE DINNER WITH DAVID BECKHAM AND HIS WIFE POSH SPICE LAST NIGHT AS I HAVE DIRECTED SOME OF THE TV ADVERTS HE HAS BEEN IN. LATER IN THE EVENING, WHEN I WENT UP STAIRS TO GO TO THE TOILET, I LOOKED INTO THEIR BEDROOM AND, SWEET BABY JESUS AND THE ORPHANS, DAVID WAS DRESSED UP IN WOMANS UNDERWEAR. WITH HIM ALSO DRESSED UP WERE CRISSY WADDLE AND BOBBY CHARLTON. THEY WERE LOOKING AT THEMSELVES IN THE MIRROR.THEY DID NOT SEE ME AND I HAD A HAND HELD VIDEO CAMERA WITH ME AND MANAGED TO FILM IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT JOHNATHAN? THOSE MEN WILL GOTO HELL. DO YOU LIKE DREESING UP IN LADIES UNDERWEAR, YOU CRAZY BASTARD? I WANT YOU TO PRAY FOR THESE MEN POSESSED BY THE DEVIL TONIGHT. LATER IN THE EVENING, POSH SPICE GROPED MY BOTTOM IN THE KITCHEN. THAT WOMAN WILL GO TO HELL JOHNATHAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I WANT YOU TO PRAY TO SWEET BABY JESUS FOR HER TOO.
FANNY DID NOT SEE ALL THIS. PLEASE DO NOT TELL HER AS SHE SUPPORTS MANCHESTER UNITED.
YOU DIDN'T MENTION BEFORE THAT I HAD TO BRING MONEY WITH ME. HOW MUCH SHALL I BRING?
HERE ARE SOME OF MY OTHER EXPENSES TO DATE:
£2.56 3 LOAVES OF BREAD,
82P 2 PINTS OF MILK,
£280 DVD PLAYER
£80 DVDS: OUT OF AFRICA, THE AFRICAN QUEEN, I DREAMED OF AFRICA, SHAFT IN AFRICA
£40 200 BENSON AND HEDGES
£25.30 CURRY FOR 2 AT MR.POMPADOMS (DEE [GIRLFIEND] HAD A VINDALOO)
£3 A LARGE DONER KEBAB WITH EXTRA CHILLI SAUCE
(NOT THE SAME EVENING, I'M NOT GREEDY)
£260 12 BOTTLES OF CHAMPANGE
£3200 A DIAMOND RING FOR DEE (TO KEEP DEE HAPPY)
£1870 A NECKLACE FOR DEE (TO KEEP DEE HAPPY)
£800 A BRACELET FOR DEE (TO KEEP DEE HAPPY)
£1500 A ROLEX WATCH FOR DEE (TO KEEP DEE HAPPY)
£40 A TEDDY BEAR FOR DEE (TO KEEP DEE HAPPY)
CONSIDERING THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I THINK ALL THESE PRESENTS FOR DEE TO COME OUT OF EXPENSES IS FAIR. FANNY DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SO PLEASE DON'T TELL HER.
FANNY AND I PLAN TO GET THE EUROSTAR TO PARIS AND THEN GET THE SLEEPER DOWN THROUGH FRANCE AND INTO SPAIN. WE SHALL CROSS NEAR GIBRALTAR INTO MORROCO. I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE CLERK AT THE TRAIN STATION HOW TO GET TO BANJO FROM THERE.
SO JOHNATHAN, HOW MUCH MONEY SHALL I BRING AND COULD YOU TELL ME SOME SWEET AFICAN LULABIES. IF I CAN'T SLEEP THEN I GET ANGRY AND CAN'T THINK ABOUT MY FILM, AND THAT'S WHY I NEED TO DO THIS DEAL. FANNY WAS SAYING ABOUT HOW I SHOULD ASK YOU TO BE IN A FILM. SHE WOULD LIKE TO SEE A PHOTO OF YOU. I COULD MAKE YOU A STAR BABY, YEAH!
GOD BLESS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD,
DICK
#4
[Let's turn up the heat up on this baby. Enter my wife Fanny.]
Hi Jonathan,
I hope you don't mind me writing to you. Dick doesn't know I am writing to you so I would like you to keep this as our secret. I know that the transaction is highly confidential - Dick has told me everything and I promise that I will not tell a sole. It's all very exciting isn't it? I'm really looking forward to the train journey and then down to sunny Gambia. Dick is also very excited - in fact he is having trouble sleeping at night. I asked him to ask you for some african lullabies so that I could sing them to him. This will send him to sleep and soothe his nerves. Have you sent him any? I have a feeling that you would know all the best ones. In fact, I have a suspicion that the bastard is having an affair with my sister Dee. Has he said anything about this to you? He seems to like you and he may of mentioned it in passing. Please email me at [Fanny's email address] and do not mention to Dick that I have spoken to you.
Love
Fanny xxx
Dear Madam,
Your mail was received and many thanks to it, more expecially your much kind understanding towards adhereing to treat this transaction to an utmost secrecy. Please. keep it up. This business is highly lucrative and it must change one;s life on conclusion. A lot of money is involved. I hope you knows the worth of 40% of this US$235m i am offerinf your husband. Bothe ot you were going to test the atomspher of africa when once you/Dick arrives Banjul, The Gambia. Concerning the African Lullabies, I have not given any to Dich yet, but Iam into resarch in order to gather many which I will hand over to you both on arrival to Banjul, The Gambia. Furthermore, we do not have "Speed/Electric Train" here in Africa, therefore, I am advising both to book a flight from either France or Spain to Banjul, The Gambia. But if you cannot connect from there, you can equally book from there to Dakar, Segenal. From Dakar. Segenal, you can enter bus or train to Banjul. I have sent a mail to Dick concerning then financial aspect of this business and whatever he/you will spend into this business will be given back to you first before we share the funds therein the consignments. Both your travelling, feeding, including all the sundry expenses that might arise on your way to Banjul, and your cost of clearing the consignments is included. So, be advised that you keep records of all your expenses. Based on this, you have to presurize your husband to make avaliable the required fees for the clearing of the consignments at Banjul, The Gambia. In the aspect of your sister Dee, I have no knowledge of her. I have no knowledge of her. As you said that i should not let your husband hear of this mail, defentily he will not.
Be a good wife and I too love you.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[The lads show they have a heart too]
#5
Dear Mr. Dick,
Many thanks to your mail and it is well understood, but with a basket full of fun therein. Brother, in as much as you need African Lullabies, I am assuring you of that on your arrival to Banjul, The Gambia. I am arranging them in thousands folds. Coming to the secrecy required by this business, I am happy that it is only you and wife that have the knowledge of this transaction. It is said by one African adage, "that a man dose not tell his fellow countryman how he made his money", and I have a strong beieve on that. Therefore, try all you can to keep and maintain secrecy in this business. However, concerning David Beckham and company, God should have mercy on them for they do not know what they are doing. How can adults of such ages, kinds with wifies be acting or behaving in such a manner.For a man to dress up in a woman's underwear; is it not an abomination? They are possesed as you have said, and God should deliver them from all sort of rubbish. Mr. Dick, when next such things happen, please do not allow your eife to view them at all. I thank God she did not see that recent one. In fact, Almight God will not allow such to repeat itself again. he have taken control. As for the monetary issue, you should know that such a magnitude and lucrative business requires financial backing. I have discussed with the man in charge of the security company in Banjul, The Gambia where the consignments were laying currently concerning what it will cost to clear the four consignments that contained US$235m, and the youngman (Mr. Mohammed Musa) told me that right from the first day of deposit, that he is charging US$25,500.00 from us. This he said that stand as both the demurrage cost and the clearing or handling charges. Based on this, I wish you to make avaliable this money as you are going to Banjul for the clearing of the consignments. In return, we have a bigger money to go home with, ie, 40% for you and whatever is your expenses both in sending mails, travelling expenses must be given back to you beside the 40% before we go into sharing. So, endevour to arrange to travel with this US$25,500.00. As for what you wanted to buy for Dee, I advise you to hold on to that so that you do not spend the money which you are supposed to use in financing this transaction/project. You need to get this 40% which is "Too-Much-Money", and from there, you will bring up hand in whatever you have in mind to buy DEE. You have given me instruction not to let your beautiful wife know that you are having affirs with the sister, I am no longer a boy, so whay should I gossip? Can I scatter the family while I am in peace with mine? It is never done. I do not know anything about your relationship with dee. Yes, you and mMadam wanted to enter Banjul, The Gambia with train, don't you know that there is no Electric Train in Africa? So you can book a flight from France or spain as soon as you arrived either of the two countries. But in case you did not connect a direct flight from France to Banjul, The Gambia, you can connect from france to Dakar, Senegal, and from there you will enter Banjul with bus or train. The two countries boardered each other. Kile I have told you earlier about the African Lullabies, you do not need to come alone with any other money for the purchase of them, there is enough money in the consignments that will buy you whatever quantity of the Lullabies you awnted after you make the clearance of the consignment with the US$25,500.00. Dick, before the conclusion of this transaction, we will talk more about this film business and other investing ventures that will benefit both parties. In fact, I do like films, and it is one of my hobbys.
Blessed you too by Almighty Jesus.
Jonathan.
AH MOKOEEENA,
HOW ARE YOU MY LITTLE MONEY SHOT? NOT TO HAPPY ABOUT THE LULLABY SITUATION. IN MY COUNTRY WE HAVE A SAYING "A MAN WITH NO LULLABIES IS GOING TO GET SHAFTED." IT COMES FROM A ROUGH TRANSLATION OF A VERSE FROM NOSTRADAMUS. DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOSTRADAMUS, JONOTHAN? I WANT A DAILY UPDATE ON THE AMOUNT OF LULLABIES YOU HAVE AQUIRED AND A RATING ON THEIR SWEETNESS FROM 1 TO 5. ONE BEING TASTES LIKE MONKEY SHIT AND 5 BEING TASTES LIKE MANGO. I AM VERY SUPERSTICIOUS AND THIS IS IMPORTANT. THANKYOU FOR YOUR ADVICE REGARDING THE LACK OF TRAINS IN AFRICA. FANNY LIKES CAMELS AND SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO TRAVEL BY CAMEL FROM MORROCO TO BANJO. DO YOU KNOW ANY GOOD ONES? DO YOU HAVE THEIR PHONE NUMBERS? OR MAYBE ELEPHATNTS ARE BETTER. WE NEED A MAP OF CAMEL TRACKS FOR NORTH AND CENTRAL AFRICA. CAN YOU ARRANGE THIS? I FELT IN NEED OF A BIT OF CORPORATE HOSPITALITY SO I WENT OUT WITH DEE AND FANNY TO A TOP RESTARAUNT LAST NIGHT. THE FOOD WAS VERY REASONABLE AND ONLY CAME TO £400 BUT THE WINE CAME TO £1200 WHICH WAS A BIT OF A SHOCK. VINTAGE STUFF YOU SEE. I'M SURE A MAN OF YOUR TASTE WILL UNDERSTAND THOUGH. IT WAS ALL WORTH IT THOUGH BECAUSE DEE AND FANNY PERFORMED A FEMINIST ACT FOR ME WHEN WE GOT HOME AND I CAUGHT IT ALL ON CAMERA. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT? HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING FROM MUSA. TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS FINGER OUT OF HIS ARSE. WE ARE STILL AWAITING A PHOTO OF YOU. FANNY IS THINKING OF DOING A FILM OF JUST YOU AND HER WHEN WE GET TO BANGO. YOU PLAY A HANDYMAN WHO HAS COME TO FIX A LEAKING TAP. WE HAVE ENCLOSED PHOTOS OF OURSELVES SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT WE LOOK LIKE. IT WAS ON ONE OF MY FILM SETS WHERE I MADE A FILM WITH JUST FANNY AND A CRICKET TEAM. LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY LOOK! HOPEFULLY YOU WILL BE THAT HAPPY TOO.
US$25,500.00 IS A LOT OF MONEY AND I WILL HAVE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH MY BANK. HERE ARE SOME MORE EXPENSES:
£6 TEA
£4 COFFEE
£2 MILK
£12 CINDY CRAWFORDS WORKOUT TAPE
£3 KY JELLY
£2 MELON
£5 RUBBER GLOVES
£1 CUCUMBER (NEW SEASON, ORGANIC)
£6500 TRIUMPH STAG CONVERTABLE, M REG, SILVER METALLIC, LEATHER INTERIOR FOR DEE
£3.50 HAMSTER (WHICH DIED AFTER ONLY AN AFTERNOON - DON'T WORRY I THINK I CAN GET A REFUND OR A REPLACEMENT.
WHAT ARE YOUR EXPENSES SO FAR?
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK WITH THE LULLABIES, AND REMEMBER I NEED A DAILY UPDATE.
I KISS YOU,
DICK PLEASURE
[the picture I sent can be seen here]
![[the picture I sent can be seen here]](http://freespace.virgin.net/chris.horrocks/Noble/set1/right_24.jpg){kind=link}
[It's of John Major and Emma Noble at a cricket match. I love the way Major has an evil grin and Emma looks so smug]
#6
Hi Jonathan,
Dick has gone to bed now so I can emaail you. I'm a bit drunk actually, just like the uther night - we had such a crazy night. Dick, Dee and mysellf went to a Harverster lodge and spent rather a lot of mony on food and wine. When we got back to the house Dee and myself took DIck into the bedroom and oh, I can hear dick calling. I think he wants me to sing to him. Do you want to be in a film with me? You need to have chocolate salty balls to be in the film though and a black mamba (but don't tell dIck)
love
Fanny.
xxxxxx
Hi Fanny,
I have read your mail and I wish to inform you that I received a mail from Dick too, though I have not replied him until next week, by then I should have come up with some of the required LULLABIES. I have noted how you, Dick and Dee got drunk few days ago, but I am advising that drinking too much is not good to health. Therefore, you try to limit it. The health of all of you over there is my greatest concern since we are now like one family, and I have the believe of joining you soonest there. Coming to what Dick mationed in his mail, he said that you like coming from Morroco to Banjul with Camel or ELEPHATNTS, i am against this. It will delay the transaction. You are going to board plane from either London, France or Spain to Banjul. It is faster this way. On conclusion, if you want to stay in Africa on a Camel ride for one month, i will take care of the expenses. I am not an actor, but I have a cousin who is into local film acting. I hope he will be interested. I will be replying Dick by next week as i said earlier.
I Love You,
Jonathan.
#7
Hello Dick,
I write to acknowldge the receipt of your mail of last wek, and its contents were well noted. Sure, I am he money shot. I am happy about my role as "a hardyman who has come to fix a leaking tap". I pray we successfully conclude this business, so that the leaking tap will permanently be fixed. I believe Mitchell Nostradamus, the 18th century Freanch philosopher and physician who predicted many things. His predictions are sure getting fulfilled. I have to rremind you that Camels and Horses travel are now things of the past. They only flourished during the trans-saharan trade, in the days of Ghana Empire, Mail Empire and Songhai Empires, all of history now. Civilisation has taken over, and as such, theonly convenient means of movement from Europe to Africa is by AIR. So you have to board an Air Flight from either London or Paris to Banjul, The Gambia. That will be in your interest, and in the greater interest of a speedy conclusion of this transaction. I can see you enjoy yourself very well. The vintage relaxtion is alright. But I tell you there will be lots and lots of vintage stuffs. The trip to Banjul will surely prove that. So relax all your arrangements towards any expenses, because there is surely going to be too much money as soon as this business is concluded. The scanning machine in my office is faulty now. But I will send you my photo as soon as possible. I am however gladdened at your photographs. The US$25,500.0 is really the money needed for the clearance, handling charge and demurrage the consignments accured right from the day of deposit. Already, I have the sum of US$250,00.00, which I paid to the security company for the depositing of the four trunk boxes that contained the US$235m. So far, that is my expenses. Here, I have to advise you that you have to try as much as you can to keep secret this business. In Africa. it is said that a man dose not tell his fellow man how he make his money. I hope I have told you this before. So, do not tell your banker what you are using the money for. Keep it a top secret within you and Fanny. I need to hear from you immediately so that I will know when you are ready to fly down to Banjul. Dick, we ned to conclude this within the shortest time frame.
Regards,
Jonathan.
NOTE: The following are a selection of African poems from ebullient scholars across the continent. The poems tells about African culture, history, love, belif systems etc. I hope you will appreciate them very well so that you will silence a they take you to the cresscendo of African Lullabies. Coming soon.
[And true to his word they came - at last I can get some sleep]
NOTE: The following are a selection of African poems from ebullient scholars
acros the continent. The poems tells about African culture, history, love, belif
systems etc. I hope you will appreciate them very well so that you will silence
a they take you to the cresscendo of African Lullabies.
(1). Who Buys My Thoughts-----By Dennis C. Osadebey.
Who buys my thoughts
Buy not a cup of honey
That swetens every taste;
He buys the throb, Of Young Afric's soul,
The soul of teeming millions,
Hungary, naked, sick,
Yearning, pleading, waiting.
Who buys my thoughts
Buys not some false precence
Of oracles and tin gods;
He buys the thoughts
Projected by the mass
Of restless youth who are born
Into deep and dashing cultures,
Sorting, questioning, watching.
Who buys my thoughts
But the spirit of the age,
The unquenching fire that smoulders
And smoulders
That's true and noble or suffering;
It burns all o'er the earth,
Destroying, chastening, cleansing.
(2). Rejoice--------By Gladys Casely Hayford.
Rejoice and shout with laughter
Throw all your burdens down,
If God has been so gracious
As to make you black or brown.
For you are a great nation,
A people of great birth
For where would spring the flowers
If God took away the earth?
Rejoice and shout with laughter
Throw all your burdens down
Yours is a glorious heritage
If you are black, or brown.
(3). Watermaid-------------By Christopher Okigbo.
Bright
with the armpit-dazzle of a lioness,
she answers,
wearing white light about her,
and the waves escort her,
my lioness,
crowned with moonlight.
So brief her presence-
match-flare in wind's breath-
so brief with mirrors around me.
Downward...
the waves distil her:
gold crop
sinking ungathered.
Watermaid of the salt emptiness,
grown are the ears of the secret.
(4). Abiku---------By Wole Soyinka.
In vain your bangles cast
Charmed circles at my fet,
I am Abiku, calling for the first
And the repeated time.
Must I weep for goats and cowries
For palm oil and the sprinkled ash?
Yams do not sprout in amulets
To earth abiku's limbs.
So when the snail is burnt in his shell
what the heated frangment, brand me
Deeply on the breast. You must know him
When Abiku calls again.
I am the squirrel teeth, cracked
The riddle of the palm. Remember
This, and dig me deeper still into
The god's swollen foot.
Once and the repested time, ageless
Though I puke. And when you pour
Libations, each finger points me nesr
The way i came, where
The ground is not wet mourning
White dew suckles flesh-birds
Evening befriends the spider, traping
Flies in wind-forth;
Night, and abiku sucks the oil
From lamps. Mother! I'll be the
Suppliant snake coiled on the doorstep
Yours the killing cry.
The ripest fruit was saddest;
Where I crept, the warmth was cloying.
In the silence of webs, Abiku moans, shaping
Mounds from the yolk.
(5). Lullaby-----By Michael Echeruo.
(i).
now the sum goes down
into the valley
beyond the palmes;
the brood will be returning.
soon the last cock will crow,
the last clay-pot be stowed,
and the fifth finger licked.
sheep snd dogs and kids
beside the hearth
slep beyond all reproach
(ii).
let fireflies fly
in your eyes
by the playground sands
under a quarter of the moon.
(iii).
the sun has died again
in the dark valley
beyond our loves,
beyond the high-arcled roots
of the demon-tree.
then it was your afternoon
and love was in your eyes.
now the sun has set;
the virgin moon is out again-
a most maidenly quartermoon.
(6). Africa-----By David Diop
Africa my Afirca
Africa of proud warriors in the ancestral savannahs,
Africa my grandmother sings of
Beside her distant river
I have never seen you
But my gaze is full of your blood
Your black blood split over the fields
The blood of your sweat
The sweet of your toil
The toil of slavery
The slavery of your children,
Africa, tell me Africa,
Are you the back the bends
Lis down under the weight of humbleness?
The trembling back striped red
That says yes to the sjambok on the roads of noon?
Solemnly a voice answers me
'Impetuous dride, that young and sturdy tree
That tre that grows
There splendidly alone among white and faded flowers
Is Africa, your Africa. It puts forth new shoots
With patience and stubbornness puts forth new shoots
Slowly its fruits grow to have
The bitter taste of liberty.
========The End==================
#8
[He followed the lullabies with the introduction of the mysterious Mr.Musa]
Dear Mr. Dick,
Compliment of the day.
I hope you did received the mails I send to you yesterday.
Beside that, I hereby furnish you with the contact details of the Security
Company where the consignments were currently laying.
SECURITY COMPANY NAME: MAT YIDA SECURITY INC
TELEPHONE NUMBER: 220-903685,220-781905.
FAX NUMBER: 220-912935.
CONTACT PERSON: MOHAMMED MUSA.
E-mail Address: matyida2001@yahoo.co.uk [he got the email address wrong too. Jackass!]
Please, you are free to communicate him preferable through phone immediately to
confirm the state of the consignments within his costudy.
Get back to me at soon as possible.
Regards,
Jonathan.
NOTE: Make sure you inform him that I am the person that directed you to him.
Dear Jonothan,
MOKOEEENA!!!! I hope you don’t mind, but Fanny and myself have started using your name as a form of greeting and celebration. Every morning now, I lean out of my window on my Longsight estate and scream it at the top of my voice. Thankyou so much for the lullabies, I enjoyed them so much. Do you have any happier ones? Fanny has tried singing them to me to get me to sleep but the bits about starvation and death give me wood. Speaking of which, I’m very happy to hear that you would like to be in one of my films. I’ve just employed a choreographer for the scat scenes. Do you like scat films, jonothan? Fanny is a pretty lady and she doesn’t like any rough stuff. We need to have a stage name for you. In my country it is customary for film stars to use the name of their first pet and their mothers maiden name. Could you furnish me with these? Then I can draw up the legal and model release papers which you will need to sign when we arrive in Banjo. The problem with taking the electric plane to Banjo is that I’m petrified of flying and have never done so. My parents were killed in an aircrash when I was 12. I only travel over land and am even scared of the sea and ferries. I am meeting my bank manager later in the week to arrange a loan and will contact Musa in due course. I would like to also see the receipt for your expenses.
Regards,
Dick
PS. I have included a favourite lullabies from my country for you to enjoy
Oh! Ah! Just a little bit - Gina G
You're my love, you're my sweetest thing
Don't shy away, don't shy away
Every night makes me hate the days
Can't get enough of your love
Am I wrong, am I so unkind
Show me the way, don't turn away
I can't hide all these thoughts in my mind
Every moment I was thinking of you
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
Ooh Aah, a little bit more
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
You know what I'm looking for
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
Ooh Aah, a little bit more
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
I'll give you love you can't ignore
Feeling good, let's go all the way
It's got to be, set me free
But tonight, let my body say
Take it slow, don't let it go
How can I prove my love to you
Baby please, you're all I need
Like a child, but it's more than a phase
Could act the angel, but it wouldn't be true
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
Ooh Aah, a little bit more
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
You know what I'm looking for
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
Ooh Aah, a little bit more
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
I'll give you love you can't ignore
What can you do for me?
Oh, what can you do
'Cause I feel so alive
I feel your love inside
Just a little bit, a little bit more
Just a little bit, Just a little
Just a little bit, a little bit more
Just a little bit, whoo-o-whoo-o-whoo-oo
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
Ooh Aah, a little bit more
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
You know what I'm looking for
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
Ooh Aah, a little bit more
Ooh Aah, just a little bit
I'll give you love you can't ignore
#9
Dear Mr. Dick,
I have read your mail and I am well pleased with your comments. In fact, how is
your beautiful wife, Fanny? Mine answers Nononkem, she very prity and shining.
you will meet here at banjul with me that day. I hope you are buying some gift
items for her and myself too.
As for the lullabies, I will keep on searching for some good and happier once
for you. In fact, I also enjoyed the one you sent.
Dick, joining you in film acting means that I will quite my job after the
successful conclusion of this transaction. I love to be involved in film acting
with you. So, you can use my pets name as my name. The name is Bukky. But I will
not like to appear in any scat films.
As for the legal document that will abide both parties to get involved in film
acting, get it ready and come along with to Banjul, The Gambia. I am meeting you
up there to cross check it, then I will endorse it.
Dick, Africa is not like Europe, therefore, you have to wave out the idea of
coming to Africa by road. Dersert is too much in the countries of Africa. Do you
know how many months it is going to take you to enter Banjul by road? You are
aware, December is at hand, therefore, you have to forget what happened to your
parents. I believe that is how God wants it and, in as such as we are now in a
morden world, I have the believe you not are going to get involved in any
aircrash at all. Just pray over it and cancle it with prayer. I am always
praying for good and not bad.
You have to come in with Plane. It is faster and easy.
However, I hope you have not forgotten what I told you concerning when you meet
your banker for the loan. Please, do not tell him what you want to do with the
money. I have to say it again, one African adage says, "A man dose not tell his
fellow man how he made his money". Dick, I strongly believe on that. If you do
not know what to tell your banker in order to lend you the money, just tell him
that you are using the money for the new album (film) that is coming out soon.
I have here with me the Receipt of the Deposit issued to me by the Security
Company and the Certificate of Deposit also isued to me by the same company. But
since you are the one going to make the clearence, a new Certificate of Deposit
will be issued on your name, which you have to present to the Mr. Mohammed Musa
as the real owner of the four consignments. Based on this, I want you to send
immediately your complete contact detail, that is, your full address which I
have to submit and to be filled in on the Certificate of Deposit that will be on
your name. This is very important.
So, i will be sending to you the three documents as soon as i confirm your
adress that will enable me obtain the new Certificate of Deposit. On getting
this, I will send to you the receipt of payment I made, the former Certificate
of Deposit, and the new Certificate of Deposit that will be on your name.
I hope you will not waste any single time to furnish me with the required
information.
Bless you, the wife and Dee,
Jonathan.
Hi Jonothan,
Moookooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeena! I’m so glad you want to be in my movie,
I’m gonna make you a huge star!!! Bukky is a fine name but I need your
mother’s maiden name as well. What animal had this name? Maybe you’re wife
would like to be in the movie too. You need to think up a name for your
wife. Would she like to be in a scat film? I am having real problems with
the thought of flying. It is a very deep psychological scar. I could have
been up there with Speilberg, Copolla or Ben Dover but I just refused to fly
to Hollywood. So it looks like road and train is the only answer. It will be
worth it though!!
My contact address is:
Richard Pleasure
Flat 215
Harold Shipman Nursing Home,
Longsight,
Manchester,
M13 0BT
I told you about my dog BooBoo who eats my mail. Best to send the documents
via courier as this is the only way I can guarantee it won't be destroyed.
Stick the cost on your expenses. Fanny is doing a strange thing. She keeps
talking of black mambas in her sleep. Does this mean anything to you?
I lick you
Dick
#10
Dear Brother,
I have read your mail and all were well understood.
To our great business, if you are not coming to Banjul, The Gambia with Flight,
it then means that we will not conclude it until next year. This is because, if
you are coming with train or animal, it will take you some months to reach
Banjul. Coming with Flight will cost you less, it is faster and it will protect
you from being in contact with thives. So i still want you to come in with
flight. I have told you to forget your past experience. Book you
flight.
Bukky is mr dog's name. I like Bukky too much, and it has been up to four months
i have not seen Bukky, Bukky is right now in Kenya.
My mother's media name is Sholly, means a great woman in my native laungage. So,
we can use that too.
Dick, my wife will be be involved in film acting as I am getting into the show.
She have to stay clear from it to berrd our two kids.
Moreover, I have noted your address, therefore, I will obtain the new
Certificate of Deposit with your name. I will send them to you are an
attachment. Sending hard copy document from Ethiopia is not safe for us. It
will get the business exposed, and I will not like that. So, you will have them
as an attachment.
Extend my regards to Fanny.
Yours,
Jonathan.
[Enter Fanny again. The goal is in sight.......she takes on one.......she takes on two.........She shoots.....]
Hi Jonothan,
How are you and how is Bukky? I hear Dick has told you that he is scared of flying. This is true, I've had this problem with him since we have been married. He used to be scared of trains too, as his sister died in the Paddington train crash. He managed to get over it though when he needed to go on the Eurostar and this is how:
He was due to go to Paris in order to get funding for his first film, and as his grandfather died on the Titanic he did not want to travel by boat. He went to see a hypnotherapist who told him that he must have a PHOTO that he could look at as he was travelling.
The photo had to be of the people waiting for him at Paris train station and they had to be holding a big board with his name on it.
The photo had to show them holding the card in the ARRIVALS part of the station. That was important.
That way he knew he had to travel on the train so he would not let them down. He would see them in his hand, waiting for him at the station. They sent him this photo and he looked at it all the way over. The train got there safely and he has been wanting to travel by trains ever since.
Please could you send us a PHOTO of yourself holding up a big board with his and my NAME on it. Please smile in the photo and give a big thumbs up. The photo must clearly show that you are in the ARRIVALS part of Banjul airport. This is very IMPORTANT.
If you do this then I am sure that he will travel by plane but it is the only way. The hypnotherapy will kick back in and he will feel he has to fly so not to let you down.
Then we can do this deal and make the film. I can't wait!
Does Bukky like films?
love
Fanny
XXXXX
ps. the Banker approved the loan today
[Whoops! Forgot to add]
Hi Jonothan,
Forgot to mention that you would have to scan a photo and send it to us as an attatchment or BooBoo will eat it, if you send the original in the post.
Maybe we should bring him to meet Bukky and make a film!
love
Fanny
XXXXX
Dear Love,
I have read your mail with full understanding to the passages. Bukky is cool as
at the last day I had a sight.
Fanny, I have heard all you said about Dick. That he will not enter plane to
make the trip. But do you know what it is going to take both of you to enter
Banjul through any means other than filght.
There is nothing I can do to stop you from making your trip to Banjul, The
Gambia. So, tell me now the actual way or means you wanted to come in with.
As for the documents which I am to obtain from the Security Company, already, I
am in Abdijan, Cote d' Ivoire and I will be flying down to Banjul first thing
tomorrow to pick up the Certificate of Deposit applied to be on your name. As
soon as I get it, on reaching Addisa Ababa, Ethiopia, I will scan them and send
to you.
Fanny, I will send you my picture but it will not be the one I took at the
airport. If this is the only thing that can make Dick travel by plane, I don't
have any to send but if you know you can make this trip with plane, do that
immediately. Like you all knows, December is approching.
Do you know that Bukky is a dog, it is a male dog, but always relaxed whenever
staying in the sitting room as film watching were going on.
You informed to me that the loan will be ready yesterday, please reconfirm to me
if everything is ready.
In conclusion, when are you getting ready to makr the trip? If it is by air,
book your flight and send the flight shedule to me at once. But if it will be by
road, confirm to me immediately.
Love to you all.
[OOOHHHHH!!!!!..........HIT THE POST......................................................................DENIED!!!!!]
#11
S'pose I'd better get in contact with Musa. Say cheese.
Dear Mr. Musa.
Jonothan Mokoena has instructed me to get in contact with you regarding a consignment. I am expecting the relevant documnetation from jonothan soon. What is happening now?
Dick Pleasure
FROM THE DESK OF;
MR MUSA MUHAMMED.
TEL/fax 220-462673.
private 220-903685.
ATTN; MR DICK PLEASURE.
Dear Sir.
I got your email with thanks, also.
We wish to inform you that we have received some Boxes
of consignment claim to be personal infects to this
security company.
We also wish to inform you that your presence is
needed here in our office for the final signing off
the consignment off from our posession to avoid
accumulating more demurrage.
However, you have been demanded to come down with your
demurrage fees and clearing charges and handling
charges as well, all this will cost you about
$25,000us
dollars, to avoid accumulating more charges, you have
to come down as quick as possible.
Unitll I hear from you soon.
Thanks.
MUHAMMED MUSA.
#12
Dear Mr. Dick,
This is to inform you that I am not happy with the way you wanted to delay this
transaction which we should have concluded within a space of two to three days
based on your arrival to Banjul Airport.
Your idea of coming to Banjul by road is not advisable, we are in a modern world
and the use of camel is not in our blood, therefore, I do not see why you are
still hinting on coming to Africa with animals. I have told you Africa do not
have a good Railway network, and your coming into Africa by raod is too fearful.
I wonder what you will meet on your way. In fact, I do not want to have you
harmed by thieves on the way.
Dick, I do not want you to die on the Mediterranean and the hot Sahara dersart
of Africa, that almost cover all the land mass areas you wanted to take to
Banjul, The Gambia.
Basically, I want to hear from you now exactly which way you wanted to follow.
If you are coming by air, Mr. Mohammed Musa of the Security company will wait
for you at the Airport, so that he will pick you from there to the hotel where
you will lodge. Therefore, you will send your Flight Schedul to both Musa and
myself as to make Musa know the exact time you will arrive Banjul.
Alternatively, if you instisted coming by road, I suggest that you will have
yourself check into a hotel in Banjul as soon as you arrive. From there, you
will communicate Musa on phone to inform him that you are around.
The whole thing now is left for you to decide. I think i have advised wisely
enough.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[Looks like it's Musa I should of been making a monkey out of.]
[A bit of the stern stuff]
Hi Jonothan,
I am quite dismayed at your lack of compassion regarding the death of my parents and the resulting issues it has caused. I am also waiting for those documents you have recieved from MUSA. I have contacted him but as I do not have these documents in hand, I can not make any other arrangements. Now please, for the love of sweet baby jesus could you sort this out.
Dick Pleasure
#13
[Now here's the science. Concentrate...
The American architect Richard Buckminster Fuller came up with Bucky Balls when he was trying to find a way for constructing buildings using a minimum of materials. The shape is a series of hexagons, pentagons and triangles, which can be fitted together to make a round surface. The modern football is essentially a Buckminster Ball consisting of 20 hexagonal and 12 pentagonal surfaces. When they are sewn together and inflated they make a near perfect sphere.]
Hi JoMo,
MoMoMoKoKoKoKoeeeeeeeeeeena! How are you today? Good news.....
I am picking up the Model Realease forms from my Solicitor this afternoon. I have decided that your stage name for the film will be BUCKY BALLS. I think this is a great name. You will however have to have 2 implants surgically implanted into your scrotum. I was going to ask for ones the size of footballs (see the connection with BUCKY BALLS, footballs and Mr. Buckminster) but this would make you look like a freak. We wouldn't want that now would we? No, ones roughly the size of tennis balls will do. Please proceed with the operation at once. There will be some swelling and bruising and you will need time to recover before we start the film. You will be paid very well for your troubles. Is it illegal to have dogs in films in the Gambia? I would like us to be arrested. I am thinking of your dog Bukky (the real one here).
What kind of dog is he? If he is a Great Dane we could use him, if he is a Jack Russell it would just look stupid. Please advise. The Model Release form also stipulate that you must have had a test for HIV within the last 6 weeks. Have you had a HIV test recently? if so, could you scan the results and send them to me. If not you must have an HIV test at once. Please make sure they use sterile equipment for your operation and good luck.
The banker has agreed to the loan. I told him it was to pay for your operation. Tell me when you go in for it and I will make sure I send you some flowers.
I am awaiting the documents you obtained from MUSA, then I will know what to arrange with him. Please hurry with sending me these documents. Time marches on.
Regards
Dick
PS. Can you train Bukky to do this???
> The following is a true story, as seen recently by millions of a
> Spanish commercial TV channel.
> The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name
> forward for a popular Friday night "surprise" show.
> She idolised teenybopper pop star Ricky Martin, and it was arranged
> for TV cameras to be discreetly placed throughout the house. The house was
> then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's
> bedroom, all set to give her a wonderful surprise when she got back from
> school. Meanwhile, the parents were in the show's studio, in front of a live
> audience. Upon returning home from school , the daughter didn't go staright to
> her room as expected. Instead she began to investigate the house, calling
> out the names of her family to establish who was at home.
> Having established that she was on her own , the daughter made her way
> to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a large tin of
> pate at this stage the live audience is wondering what the hell is going on.
> She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
> quickly strip off and spread the pate all over her crotch. (Remember Ricky
> Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a
> nubile young girl, stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch
> As if this didn't shock the parents enough, the daughter then calls
> the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs to settle down to his
> favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed."
> The broadcast is abruptly cut. A set of acutely embarrassed parents
> are left in front of a deadly quiet studio audience, while 2.1 million
> Spaniards sit in front of their tellies and piss themselves laughing.
> Consequently, sales of tinned pate in Spain have rocketed
Dear Dick,
I received your mails with much understanding to the passages.
Before any other thing, I am much concerned with the death of your parents. In
fact, if I were on your shoes, the kind of fears you are having in taking Flight
is what I will have too. But since this business requires immediate conclusion,
there based my advise for you to have your trip by air. However, since you have
made it a point of duty that anything flight is concled, you now make your
alternative and possible arrangement to be in Banjul, and then let me know when
this will take place.
Dick, it is grate to hear that the Model Release Form for the film is out and I
am much desperate to have my kids watch the film I am involved.
Bukky Balls is a nice name to answer in the film. But as for surgicall operation
need for the film, I suggestthat will be when I come over to London so that you
will be there to direct on what/how it will suit the film.
My payment from the film suposed to be higher because it is not everybody that
will accept to carry out this kind of surgical operation, and to act in a film
with a swollen sctrotum. However, it has to be included in the Agreement Letter
which you are to come down to Banjul with for endorsement.
Dick, we are not acting any film in Banjul, The Gambia, and dog films will not
be acceptable there. The Gambia is a small black nation, and as such, people
living there are too conscious of religion. Our mission to Banjul is only to
have the consignments clear and claim.
Bukky is an Alsatian.
Dick, I am HIV Negative and the result is not here with me. It is at my native
country home Kenya. I assure you that as soon as we meet in Banjul, I must
present it to you.
Coming to the loan issue, it is good as your banker finally agreed giving it to
you. In fact, you are great to have him convinced. The documents are ready and
you have to view them as an attachment here. You have to make sure that you
travel to Banjul with the Deposit Certificate bearing your name. That is the
only document you will be required to produce on reaching the Security Company.
In fact, I am happy that you have communicated with Musa.
Please, Musa and his organization do not know the real contents of the four
consignments since I delared them as Artfacts, therefore you should not discuss
anything money as regards to the contents of the consignments.
I hope you will understand all the explainations.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[Also recieved was a scan of a receipt from the security company for $250,000 for deposit of 4 trunk boxes for safety, and a scan of the certificate of deposit for four silver trunk boxes of family treasure.]