| Xander hefted a large box of crackers, blood, taped Passions episodes, and Sex Pistols CDs over the threshold of his basement and invited the pale, colorless, ashen, pallid, wan, cadaverous sex kitten to join him in the messy room usually reserved for laundering clothes, heating water, and harboring Xander’s frequent nocturnal admissions because where else would an unemployed former-stripper with a penchant for comics be on a Friday night?
“What are you doing, whelp?” Spike asked with a sneer. “What does it look like I’m doing, Fangless? I’m moving you into my basement apartment because Giles is making me and I do whatever he says. And why are you leering at me?” “I wasn’t leering, I was sneering and you should know the difference. Caught you leering a time or two myself.” “If I ever leered at you, it was simply to admire your solid and muscular body and porcelain-white skin. That doesn’t mean I’m gay.” “What?” Spike asked, confused at the change in topic. “Never said you were gay, but now that you mention it…” “I’m not gay! As my numerous failed heterosexual relationships, several close female friends, and sad, ambiguously gay excuses for male friends will attest to, I am not gay! What about you?” “Me? What would ever give you the notion that I was gay?” “Could it be your sex-on-toast walk or the subtle application of eyeliner and nailpolish?” “I’m not gay! So just get that thought right out of your head and finish tying my firm and powerful body to this hard wooden chair only a few feet from your bed.” Xander tied the ropes extra-tight and stood up to admire his handiwork. “Not bad, for a donut boy,” he remarked. “Yeah, well don’t worry,” Spike leered. Or maybe he sneered. “You’ll probably get a construction job soon and then, though your diet of fried food, chocolate, and beer will continue, you’ll suddenly develop a well-formed, muscular body of your own.” “Well that’s good to know, Spike. Now, I’m tying you to this chair and even though I know you have vampire strength and could easily escape, please don’t. But if you do, remember that I’m moist and bitable and not the slightest bit gay. You got that, Bleached Wonder?” “Certainly, whelp.” “Um, Spike?” “Yeah?” “Can you call me something else?” “Boy? Nummytreat? Fatty?” “Okay, stick with whelp.” Xander stripped off his clothes and lay down on his bed while Spike wriggled in the chair nearby. “So, whelp, where’s the chit?” “Huh?” “The chit? Bint? Bird?” “The girl?” “Yeah, the demon girl. Where is she?” “Anya? Let’s see…she left me for a Chaos demon after determining I’m gay-which I’m not-then turned back to her demon ways, cursed me, uncursed me, stopped being a demon, died, and then claimed we’d never been together. Wait. Anya who?” “Right, that’s clear as mud, whelp.” “Oh, and your relationships are so clear. Tell me, Fangface, what exactly did go on during all of those years in Europe?” “What do you mean?” Xander rolled over on his side to face Spike. “Just because I spent an indeterminate amount of time in the company of three oversexed vampires does not mean that I had sexual relationships with them!” “Well, except for Drusilla.” “Oh, yeah. Her. I sometimes forget her.” “Sure, you forget her. She was ONLY the reason you tried to kill me and Willow a year ago.” “Hey now, that wasn’t my fault. If Dru hadn’t left me, I would never have had to do that. Really, you gettin’ kidnapped an kissin’ Red and gettin’ your ex-girlfriend spiked-which was bloody cool by the way-and ruining the lives of four to six people was all Drusilla’s fault. ” “Are you kidding? For Pete’s sake man, take responsibility for your actions!” " I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault!" “Whatever, Fangface. I think you have serious problems.” Xander stretched wantonly on the bed, his eyes still on the vampire. Spike noticed Xander staring at him and felt his cock stirring. “I can smell you, you know.” “Huh?” “Smell you. When you want me, I can smell it.” “Oh, and what, exactly, does ‘want’ smell like?” “Uh…kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken actually.” “Mmmmm…popcorn chicken…” “For god’s sake, Xander! You’re goin’ to become a huge tub! You better get that physically challenging construction job fast!” “Wait, you’re distracting me. You said you could smell my ‘want.’ If ‘want’ smells like KFC, does ‘need’ smell like Taco Bell? Cause I think you kinda smell like a Burrito Supreme…” Spike stared at Xander incredulously, then he remembered where he was going with his earlier line of thought. “I can smell you wanting me over there on that fold-out couch.” “Well I don’t know what you’re smelling, buddy. I don’t want you. At all. I don’t lust after men. Except sometimes when I lusted after Angel. And sometimes Larry, before he died tragically and was never mentioned again. Oh, and occasionally Oz because he was just so fucking cool. Oh, and Jesse, even though he was only in two episodes and went on to become Milo-Computer Hacker Of CTU Who Took a Coffee Break and Never Came Back While Simultaneously Transforming Into Gabe the Foot Guy On Six Feet Under.” “What in the bloody, wankin’, soddin’ hell are you talkin’ about?” “Oh! And Riley and Graham, even though I haven’t really met them yet because the girls just started school. And even though I’ve never met either of them in my life, I might also one day be attracted to Gunn who is one hot black man and Andrew who is one nubile little piece of boy-meat. But I’m not gay.” “Look, boy. Are you gonna let me shag you now or what?” “Yes, please.” Spike pulled on the ropes which snapped as easy as red licorice, lifted his brawny, muscular, powerful, sinewy body from the chair, and crawled onto the bed with Xander. He looked deep into the depths of Xander’s chocolatey, cocoa, sable brown eyes and fell instantly in love. “Xander, even though I hate you and you hate me, looking into your chestnut, mahogany, cinnamon brown eyes has made me love you and I have no desire at all to turn you into a vampire because then you wouldn’t be the babbling, insecure youth I fell in love with on this very bed not thirty seconds ago. I think I love you, Xander, and will prove that love by frequently referring to you as ‘pet’ and ‘love’ from now on. That alright?” “Yes,” Xander said breathlessly. “Now please just fuck me!” In a fraction of a second, Spike’s clothes were off. “Wow! That was fast. You must be very experienced. Now I’m nervous and not so sure about this…” ”I know you still want me, pet. I can smell your desire getting stronger.” “So, is this ‘smelling intangible emotions’ thing maybe effected by distance? Because you’re right in front of me now and before you were over in the chair—it does seem to change a lot.” “Do you ever stop talking, love?” Xander shut up and let Spike kiss him. After several minutes he broke away, needing to breathe. “You are so hot!” Xander exclaimed. “I mean, you’re not *hot* cause you’re a vampire and are therefor room temperature except when you’re downright cold although there really isn’t a reason for you to be *cold* if you’re in a temperate environment. Anyway, you’re so hot! I can’t resist the allure of your compact and muscular body.” “Hey, that’s good! Can I use that line sometime?” Spike asked. “Sure,” Xander offered. “Hey, did you know that your eyes turn gold when you’re turned on?” “Yes I did. Also, my vampire face comes when I do, if you catch my meaning.” “Oh! Neat! Let’s try it!” Spike quickly stripped Xander and the two men began sliding together on the bed. Spike rolled Xander to his back and mounted him with a growl. “This must be quite different for you,” Xander said between kisses. “How so?” Spike asked. “Well, it’s assumed that 1) I’ll now let you take a dom role and 2) It will bring up bitter memories of Angelus who was most definitely a dom.” “Bugger that! I never had sex with Angelus!” “Yes, you did.” “No I didn’t!” “Yes! You did!” “No. I. Didn’t. I think I’d remember!” “You wreaked havoc with him through Europe for a century—“ “—Twenty years.” “Huh?” “Twenty years. I was turned in 1880 and Angelus became Angel at the turn of the century…” Xander's head was spinning. “Don’t try to figure it out, pet. Just go with it.” Xander decided that was a great idea when he felt Spike’s powerful cock rubbing into his thigh. “Spike? Though I’ve never done this before and I’m terribly scared, please, please take me now!” “I want to, Xander,” Spike said, “but we don’t have any lube and it’s bound to hurt you and I don’t fancy getting a blowjob *and* a migraine on the same night.” “That’s alright, Spike,” Xander said, nuzzling the vampire’s neck. “The drawer by my bed has a never-ending supply of lube. The Lube Fairy leaves it in convenient places all over this town including the pocket of your duster. We may never know how or why, though. Besides, we have yet to determine what sets your chip off. Why, I’ll bet that if I was a willing participant, then it wouldn't go off at all which doesn’t really make sense, but let’s just try it anyway, okay?” Spike let his face vamp out and looked deeply into Xander’s nut brown, tawny, mud-colored eyes. “Okay then, pet. Can I bite you?” “What the fuck? When did it go from the pain of anal intercourse to you biting me?” “I’m a vampire, Xander. I like blood. I like blood the way you like cholesterol-rich cheeseburgers.” “Well, I guess it’s okay, then…” “Don’t worry, Xander! With my Super Healing Spit, the wound will be healed in no time. That goes for me as well. Feel free to cut, beat, and burn me. It’ll only take seconds for me to heal. Except when it takes hours. And sometimes days.” “As long as *you’re* okay with it.” Spike reached into the drawer and pulled out the Magic Lube and began stroking his aching cock. “Xander, though I don’t have any condoms, I’m going to fuck you now because vampires have nothing living inside their body. You should just take my word for it.” “Thank you, Spike. That’s very convenient. I won’t worry a bit because I am going through my Rock!Stupid Xander phase. I bet if you were having sex with an invisible girl right now, and she were biting your earlobe so that it danced around independent from your body, I wouldn’t even notice a thing.” Spike slicked his fingers and pressed one against Xander’s entrance. He slipped the finger in and Xander groaned pleasurably. Spike worked the fingers in and out and began to add a second. “I’m ready, Spike. Please put your dick inside of me!” “Can’t.” “You can’t?” “Nope.” “Why is that, exactly?” “Cause I’ve only got, well, two fingers in you now,” Spike said as he added the second finger. “Why does that matter?” “I can’t fuck you until I’ve got at least three fingers working you. It’s the ‘Three Finger Rule,’ see?” Xander groaned impatiently. “Okay. I wouldn’t want to break the rules.” Eventually, Spike had three fingers in and then replaced them with is cock. Xander shuddered happily as the vampire entered him and began thrusting. “You’ll wanna drink my blood when this is over,” Spike panted, though he had no need to breathe. “Ew! Why?” “Don’t know. You just will.” “That is so gross, Spike!” “I didn’t make the rules, pet.” “That’s it! I can’t do this! I fear you won’t respect me in the morning! Please…just…go…” Xander sobbed heavily into his pillow, Spike’s dick still embedded in his ass. “Too late. I can’t leave now, love. If I leave…I…I DIE!” “What? Why would you die? You could just stop being our prisoner and try living a normal and productive life like Angel and probably countless other vamps that eat animals instead of humans.” “You don’t understand, pet. We’ve had sex-well, we’re *having* sex. We’re BONDED now, you and I. You belong to me and I belong to you. YOU’RE MINE!” “Dude. Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how weird that sounds? I’m not a Carmen Electra poster or a wristwatch or a bottle of Scope-which you should think about because Blood Breath? Not so much with the good. I can’t just be YOURS.” “But you are, pet. You’re gonna start changing. You’ll start dressing better and we might have to get out of town because otherwise, I’ll want to kill your parents for not giving you enough love as a child.” “My parents were okay, Spike. I’m just a loser kid with no ambitions and a 1.75 grade point average.” “STILL! You’re mine…and now we must go to LA so Angel can look down at me and tell me I’m leading you astray.” “Ooooh…Angel, huh?” Xander’s eyes dilated with imagined lust. “No! Mine!” Spike slapped Xander’s ass “Although Angel will claim certain privileges of sirehood even though he isn’t my sire—Don’t let me get into THAT! Look, love, I know the path will be difficult, but there is no one in Sunnydale that can teach you how to love an evil gay man with a hot bod and a sexy accent. I’m sorry.” “But…but…” Xander could think of nothing to say but before Spike could tell him who he belonged to, again, the door of the basement was thrust open. Into the room stepped a non-evil gay man with a hot bod and a sexy accent. “Giles!” Spike moaned, coming-or quite possibly cumming-in Xander at that moment. “What are you doing here?” “Willow did a Gay Spell and found that there was someone at this address in need of a Gay Tour Guide Through Gay Life. And even though I have had at least three on-screen female companions, I am without a doubt gay and fully capable of relating to Xander and his situation as I was once in love with an evil gay man with a hot bod and a sexy accent named Ethan.” “Oh, Giles. I’m so happy! Now I can have hot monkey sex with my evil vampire lover whenever I want and it will be okay with my friends and family in a way we haven’t quite decided yet. Now, will you excuse us please? I’d like to finish having sex with Spike in my basement so we can go to the Bronze, the old high school, the future site of The Magic Box, and several assorted cemeteries for blowjobs before the sun rises.” “Right, then. I’ll just pop off…unless you want me to stay?” Giles asked hopefully, eyeing Spike’s naked ass. “I’m sorry, Giles. You can’t fuck Spike. He’s MINE!” ~The End~ |
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| Fangless and the Whelp |