Last time I entered this alternate dimension I foresaw a future that preyed on my hopeful visions of you and the irreconcilable guilt that I feel over us. A guilt so vibrant and tangible that I can almost taste it, but it chokes me before slipping down my throat. Like throat cancer it evokes a terminal sickness in me, blighting my thoughts of you, I'm Pavlov's bitch.
We were together at first, just being, together. Nothing to show that there was anything between us, save the sincerest, passionate, platonic love. All was calm as though the world outside this sheltered room had just stopped in its worn-out tracks, stop clock set. Then the cogs started whirring and another presence entered my universe. My dedicated Mother, wishing open my door and she told me He was coming. He was walking up the untamed garden, through the briars, coming-relentless. She spoke with rare gravity about Us, and how He would know.
My unconscious guilt resurrected spurred me to try to change or at least try to alter the appearance of the situation we were in, being together. A confusing contradiction, given our philial affections, it was only disreputable desires which could have caused me shame, no behaviour. But within a time-span not possible but within a dream, He was there, at my door, and I felt naked. My splintered soul bare before Him, displaying the conflict between the two halves within: yours, and His. I know He saw it, but as He stared, I felt a terrifying sensation creep up my spine, under my treacherous skin. I turned to you as you crumbled in silence. The silence of bravery, not wishing me to notice your pain. Silly. Of course I'd notice you, I sense you.
I grasp you in my arms as you fall, stumble in troubled disbelief- you can't be falling, you can't! The world becomes a blur as I move my hand toward your face, turn it to look at me and read in your eyes the ill begotten truth. You can't leave me-what I'll do without you? I'm sinking slowly, into the ever changing river of your love, becoming more engulfed in every passing second that I'm with you, and now you're leaving, my river is draining away from me and I sink. I've sunk to the floor, cradling you in my arms, praying: oh God, don't let him go! A laugh lost in the moment at my ironic plea to a God I have no belief in.
But He doesn't understand our blinding pain, knowing that these may be last few moments of our lives together. While you may be free of restrictive inhibitions, the ecstasy given by pain, knowing that no consequences apply to you from now-it does not apply to me. While all I want to do is hold you close and wish away your pain, tell you that I love you and that I'll wait for you always-I can't. Not while He's there with his accusatory eyes.
The tears had started rolling down my cheeks like raindrops on the stone cold window.Yet still, He just stood, looking at me with dangerous love in His eyes, wanting me with every fibre of His quaking body as you gasped for breath, drowning in me. And then in a moment so slight you couldn't brush it with a fleeting hummingbird's wing, something changes in His glance. A falter in His gaze that says more than any vocal expression every could. My heart skips a recurring beat: something's wrong- oh God not again! The tell-tale blood begins to show through his disgustingly white shirt and the charming knife carelessly drops from his grip.
A crisis of faith as my other half falls, collapsed in the same way as the first. But I can't reach out and hold Him too, lest you slip away as I'm gone. Without me there He crumples and I don't understand. An underlying hatred seeps through me, I can't believe that this could happen, I can't believe that He would do this. Then a feeling of terrible guilt, I was the driver in this high speed crash. Without me, none of this would be-but is that right? Would it be right for me to have never known you or Him? For, however much pain I'm certain to have caused with my thoughts and wishes...can that compare with the overwhelming feelings of blissful joy and destiny that we've otherwise experienced?
And before my eyes, I scarcely notice, as He slips away beyond my reach. A unconsolable wreck, I hold on to you tighter, I'll never let go, you can't get away from me that easily. A few seconds more, just a few seconds more, but then you follow, with a last searching look into my eyes, questioning whether it's true. Is it? As I open my lips no sound comes out but you watch their path and know what they say. I'm left on floor, two bodies around me. It seems so surreal yet I know it's completely untrue. There's just one small part of me which doubts that it's a brain fabricated fiction. Is there nothing more to it? Will it one day prove true?