Scuba Steve's Guide to Romance

12 dead flowers = 1 happy girl.

This can be either the easiest or the most difficult step. It's easy if you just want to find a simple slutly biatch to fuck a few times and get over with it. It's difficult if you try to find someone with whom you will have a long lasting, loving relationship. I already have the latter, and am *VERY* happy with her, but I'm assuming most of my readers don't and would rather the former. Sometimes finding a lady that is cheap is difficult, but rest assured, it is easily possible.

All I'm gonna say about this is that they are called "Double Happiness Snuff Bottles" and I'm not making a judgement as to their contents or use.

Pick up lines are golden. As an example, here are a few I just made up to help all you bachelors out there:

• Let's play Dungeons and Dragons baby, because you can roll my dice anytime.
• Thats a nice bag but it would look a lot nicer over your head while I fuck you.
• You can be MY Lieutenant Uhura if you rub on my Tribble.
• You wear your princess Leia bikini and I'll show you Jabba the Hutt.
• If we start screwing right now, baby, we con be done before Babylon 5 comes on.

If none of these work, you need to find a more receptive woman. Either that or some better pick up lines.

What better way to tell your girl she smells bad.

This is important to some degree at least. When you take a lady out to someplace, you must be dressed accordingly. If its someplace nice, dress, nicely. Wear a jacket and tie to a nice restaurant. This means no fake tuxedo t-shirts, either. And not a plaid jacket, those are for when you want to impress other ladies. If your just taking her to McDonalds, you classy dog you, then more casual dress is acceptible, but the womenfolk usually don't appreciate stains on your clothes that fit any of the following conditions:

• blood
• semen
• over a year old
• has significance in your life

Of course, thats why some of us wear Hawiian shirts, nobody can tell if they're stained or not.

Can't think of a gift? Give her your heart. Or the heart of a nearby animal.

Sometimes it's best to give your lady friend a gift. I've outlined some below.

Flowers: Too overused. No woman would appreciate those.

Candy: Bad mistake. If TV has taught me anything, this will make women think that you think they are fat, and then you will get bitched at to no end.

Underwear: Unless you've been together for a long time, or the girl you are with is reasonably easy, giving her underpants usually makes it all the longer before you get to see them on her.

Stuffed Animals: Do not give while saying the following: "I'll stuff something else, later tonight."

Gifts are best when they come from the heart, I guess. Find something your girl's actually into. Or go with the Jewelry, they all love jewelry.

Chocolate and diamonds. The man that invented this is probably getting laid by like three women at once right now.

Be on time. If you are late you will die a horrible horrible death.

Use those "manners" things that your parents always tried to teach you when you were young. I don't really remember most. Here's what I remember:

• Let the lady taste the food first, to make sure it's okay.
• Always use the fork on the left.
• Eat with your elbows under the table.
• Use your napkin. For what, i don't know, but use it for something.
• If the Menu is in french, don;t try to order in french, it's a dumb language anyway.