A Walk In The Park

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A Walk in the Park

[It is a beautiful day to be in a park in Washington DC. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and nubile young female joggers in teeny-tiny running outfits are all over the place. In one corner, That Guy sits slumped on a park bench...]

Scully: "There you are. I thought you said you'd be by the monument?"

That Guy: "I changed my mind."

Scully: "Any particular reason? I wish you'd told me - I've been wandering around for ages. I almost gave up."

That Guy: "Sorry."

Scully: "So, why'd you come here. Why not the monument?"

That Guy: "Too depressing."

Scully: "'Depressing'? I've never heard it described as that before."

That Guy: "It reminds me of...um...nothing...So, are you and Shturmie getting married?"

Scully: "Well, that's not what I was expecting! I've heard subjects changed a lot more effectively than that, you know. What does the monument remind you of that depresses you so much?"

That Guy: "Nothing. So, are you?"

Scully: "OK, if you really don't want to discuss it...How can you be depressed on a day like today? Look around you, That Guy."

That Guy: "Whatever. Are you?"

Scully; "Am I what? Marrying Shturmie?"

That Guy: "Uhuh."

Scully: "You know I am, That Guy. Why?"

That Guy: "Oh, no reason..."

[They sit in silence for a moment. Birds flit through the air around them. Suddenly, a small fluffy dog with a ball in its mouth races up. It stops and drops the ball on the ground in front of them and looks expectantly at Scully.]

Scully: "Oh, how sweet! Look That Guy, isn't he cute?"

That Guy: "Great. It looks like Queequeg."

Scully: "It looks nothing like Queequeg! It's not even the same breed! What's up with you today?"

That Guy: "Where's Shturmie?"

Scully: "What's the matter, That Guy? I've seen prisoners on death row who were more cheerful than you! Throw the ball for the puppy!"

[The little dog yaps once. That Guy looks at it then at Scully. He looks at the dog again. He leans forward, reaching for the ball. The little dog suddenly snarls and bites his fingers, then runs away with the ball.]

That Guy: "OWW, JEEEZUUSSS!"

Scully: "Oh, my, are you alright...?"

[Scully begins to giggle. That Guy glares at her.]

That Guy: "What, you think that was funny? F**king nearly took my hand off! It hurt!"

Scully: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It was just the look on your face that's all...! Let me take a look at your hand."

That Guy: "I oughta- "

Scully: "Just shut up and show me your hand."

That Guy: "What a little- "

Scully: "It's nothing. The skin isn't punctured. There's not even a scratch."

That Guy: "I should've shot it."

[He sits there and rubs his hand. Scully peers at him.]

Scully: "Did you want to see me for any specific purpose, or were you just trying to depress me too?"

That Guy: "What have you got to be depressed about?"

Scully: "So what is it that you're depressed about? Is it The X-Files?"

That Guy: "I don't know. Yes. No. Maybe...When are you getting married?"

Scully: "Sometime. We haven't set a date yet."

That Guy: "Or you're keeping it a secret from me."

Scully: "What? Don't be ridiculous!"

That Guy: "Whatever…"

Scully: "Why on earth would we keep it a secret? You know, That Guy, you really are the most paranoid individual I've ever encountered."

That Guy: "Well, like I said, whatever..."

[Before Scully can reply, the ball comes whistling through the trees in front of them and bounces onto That Guy's lap. It is followed by the small dog, which crashes through the bushes and leaps onto his knees. It immediately attacks his tie...]

That Guy: "AARRGGGHH!"

[He tries to shove the tiny dog off, but it continues to swing from his tie, snarling evilly. That Guy draws his weapon.]

Scully: "No, That Guy, what are you doing?!"

That Guy: "Well, get it the hell off of me!"

[Then...]

The Well Manicured Man: "What the devil do you think you're doing?! Leave my poor dog alone!"

That Guy: "You! What the hell...get this mutt off of me!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Come here Foxy, get away from the nasty brute. There, there...!"

[He grabs the dog, which immediately curls up in his arms and licks his face.]

The Well Manicured Man: "There now, my poor little Foxy, did the nasty man hurt you?"

That Guy: "What a stupid name! You did that on purpose! Look at my tie! It's ruined."

Scully: "And your shirt. And your pants..."

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, that will teach you to try and steal my dog!"

That Guy: "What, are you nuts? The damn thing attacked me because you threw the goddam ball onto my lap! You- "

The Well Manicured Man: "I did no such thing! If you hadn't interfered with our happy little game- "

That Guy: "Your happy little game was to try and get your stupid mongrel to tear my throat out!"

The Well Manicured Man: "As I've already stated, I never even threw the ball."

That Guy: "Well, who did?"

Krycek: "What's going on?"

That Guy: "Well, gee, what a surprise..."

The Well Manicured Man: "Good morning Agent Scully."

Scully: "Good morning."

That Guy: "What the hell is good about it? I've just saved my jugular from Cujo and you're saying good morning?"

Scully: "That Guy, it's- "

That Guy: "Traitor."

Krycek: "Overreacting as usual huh, That Guy?"

That Guy: "You shuttup, Rat Boy!"

The Well Manicured Man: "All this fuss over a little game of fetch!"

That Guy: "Hey, you threw the damn ball onto me and now you have to pay my drycleaning bill!"

Scully: "Don't forget the tie…"

The Well Manicured Man: "I'll do no such thing! Why, I- "

The Cancer Man: "Well, well, look who it is. Agent That Guy…"

Scully: "My, the gang's all here. Figures…"

Deep Throat: "Ah, good morning my dear!"

That Guy: "You better be talking to her!"

Scully: "Good morning."

X: "What happened to your clothes, Mr That Guy?"

The Fat Man: "Have you been rolling in the mud again?"

Krycek: "He's crying because he got hit by a little rubber ball! Lucky we didn't have a stick!"

That Guy: "Well, you could always use your arm next time!"

Deep Throat: "He got you there, Alex!"

The Fat Man: "Yes, that was rather good."

X: "Out enjoying the fresh air, you two?"

That Guy: "We were…!"

The Cancer Man: "No you weren't, Mr That Guy - you've done nothing but whine since you got here! You're pathetic!"

That Guy: "How the hell would you- so, spying on me again, huh? You're always spying on me! You've been doing it from the beginning!"

The Fat Man: "I think you flatter yourself, Mr That Guy…"

The Well Manicured Man: "Yes, you do rather seem to have an over-inflated sense of self-importance…"

Deep Throat: "Actually, we were just out for a stroll. Our offices get rather stuffy at times, you understand, and it's such a beautiful day. Don't you think so, Miss Scully?"

Scully: "That's Ms Scully , and how did he know That Guy was bitching?"

That Guy: "I was not bitching!"

Krycek: "Yes you were, That Guy! We could here you clear across the park, even without the, uh- "

[A voice from the bushes behind them says…]

Frohike: "The CIA-issue AA-117 Acoustic Amplifier!"

Langley: "I already told you, it's not the AA-117! It's a- "

Byers: "Shuttup, you guys!"

Frohike: "Uh-oh…"

The Cancer Man: "You know, Krycek, have I ever told you that you are possibly the dumbest secret agent ever?"

The Fat Man: "I'm beginning to wonder whether it was only his arm that was cut off…!"

Scully: "I hear it's the only wood he has…"

[The others, in unison…]

"OHHHHHH!"

Byers: "Man, that was cruel!"

Langley: "Pretty funny though!"

Frohike: "And true…"

X: "Will you guys get out of those damn bushes? You're giving me the creeps!"

The Fat Man: "Don't you three have any lives at all?"

Scully: "Nope."

Deep Throat: "Perhaps, since you obviously have no women, you should be friends with Krycek

Byers: "I had a woman!"

Frohike: "Yeah! I could have agent Scully if I really tried!"

Scully: "Yeah, right…!"

Langley: "Anyway, Krycek's a jerk!"

Krycek: "OK, fine, that's it. If you need me, I'll be in the car…!"

That Guy: "Now, now, don't pout…!"

Krycek: "Shut the hell up!"

That Guy: "You still have to pay for this!"

Krycek: "Go f**k yourself! It's not my fault you can't even take care of your own damn clothes!"

Frohike: "Hey, watch your mouth, there's a lady present!"

Krycek: "Yeah, and her name is That Guy!"

[That Guy lunges at Krycek. He trips over the dog, which yelps then attaches itself to That Guy's pants leg. The Fat Man tries to grab Krycek, but only succeeds in knocking the two antagonists down. They struggle with each other in the grass, while The Cancer Man, Deep Throat and X try to break it up. There's a lot of shouting and cursing.]

Scully: "Well, that's it, I'm going back to work."

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, no, won't you walk with me for a while? It's such a lovely day!"

Scully: "No, thank you, I think I've had quite enough of my time wasted already today. Thanks anyway."

The Well Manicured Man: "Pity. Well, if you change your mind, you know where we are."

Scully: "Sure."

Shturmovik[KGB]: "Hey, what's going on?"

Scully: "Nothing that matters even slightly, honey."

Shturmovik[KGB]: "Isn't that Agent That Guy and what's his name, that one-armed guy, Alex?"

Scully: "Uhuh. Don't worry about it. Let's go back to the apartment."

Shturmovik[KGB]: "OK, sure. You want an ice-cream cone?"

Scully: "No thanks, you're all the sweetness I'll ever need…"

[They walk away, arm-in-arm. Behind them, passersby are gathering as the small group of men struggle violently on the ground, while The Well Manicured Man, clutching his dog, looks on. Someone is waving Krycek's prosthetic arm around, but it's too far away to tell who it is. Three heads can be seen protruding from the bushes. Two policemen sprint past Scully and Shturmie in the direction of the melee. There's not a cloud in the sky.]

1999

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