A Whale Of A Time

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A Whale of a Time

[The Guys shoulder their way through the throngs in a crowded underground nightclub. The place is really pumping and the music is blasting...]

The Well Manicured Man: "Goodness me, must this music be so loud?"

The Cancer Man: "These people are morons! What did you expect from a building full of morons?"

Krycek: "Oh, man, lighten up - this is the best secret meeting place yet!"

The Cancer Man: "I might have known you'd like it here!"

Krycek: "Didn't you ever have fun when you were young...?"

The Cancer Man: "Krycek, just promise me that if you go out to anybody's car, you make sure they are what they seem this time!"

Krycek: "Huh?"

[The Cancer Man and The Well Manicured Man smirk at each other. Krycek suddenly catches on]

Krycek: "Awww man, that was one time! Anybody could've made that mistake!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Not me...!"

The Cancer Man: "Did you say something?"

The Well Manicured Man: "I think my ears are beginning to bleed!"

The Cancer Man: "Where the hell is The Fat Man? He should have been here by now..."

[They peer through the smoky gloom. Suddenly...]

Krycek: "There he is! Oh my God!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Where? What?"

Krycek: "Up there! I don't believe it!"

[On a raised platform, The Fat Man is dancing with some scantily clad women. He is shirtless, but still has his tie on, and his torso is covered in flouro bodypaint and glitter. The crowd is cheering him on. The Guys make their way to the platform, which is between the main sound system speakers]

The Cancer Man: "What the hell do you think you're doing? Get down from there!"

The Fat Man: "Oh, there you are! We've been here for ages! Isn't this place great?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, God, put a shirt on, please!"

[Just then, X arrives. He is carrying multi-colored drinks with little umbrellas in them. He has a nubile young woman on each arm]

X: "What are you guys having?"

The Well Manicured Man: "I think the question should be what are you having?"

The Cancer Man: "In case you've forgotten, we're supposed to be having a secret meeting!"

The Fat Man: "Oh, come on, get with it!"

Krycek: "Uh, "get with it"? You do realize this is the 21st century now, don't you?"

X: "Hey, shuttup Rat Boy - it wouldn't do you any harm to enjoy yourself for once!"

Krycek: "Well for your information, I think this was a great idea-!"

The Cancer Man: "What? I can't hear a word you're saying!"

X: "He wasn't talking to you!"

The Well Manicured Man: "No, nothing for me thank you."

The Fat Man: "You guys crack me up!"

The Cancer Man: "LOOK! Can we please get the hell out of here? We have some serious matters to discuss!"

[From out of the crowd, a gorgeous babe/drunken bimbo approaches The Cancer Man. She is clutching a glass of something green and has an unlit cigarette between her fingers]

Drunken Bimbo: "Hey Grandpa, you got a light?"

X: "HARHARHAR! Well, how about it Gramps, ya gotta light?"

The Cancer Man: "Get the hell out of here!"

Drunken Bimbo: "Hey, what's your problem, you stupid old fart?"

[Gleefully, the others look on as she tosses the contents of her glass upon The Cancer Man's suit coat, then dissolves back into the crowd. The Cancer Man reaches under his lapel...]

The Cancer Man: "If all these people weren't around...!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh come now, I thought she was a rather spirited young lady!"

The Cancer Man: "Well you can forget all about that sort of nonsense!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Can you speak up please?"

The Cancer Man: "I said, you can forget about- !"

The Well Manicured Man: "I'm sorry, I still can't hear you, can you- !"

The Cancer Man: "I SAID YOU'RE A DIRTY OLD BASTARD!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh. What-?"

X: "Whoa! Is that who I think it is over there?"

Krycek: "Who? Where?"

X: "Over there, by the pool table."

[They all look in the direction indicated by X. They spy a familiar figure sitting alone in a dark booth]

Krycek: "It's Deep Throat!"

The Fat Man: "He's supposed to be in Moscow!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Well well well. I see two drinks at his table. Who do you suppose the other one belongs to...?"

X: "I'll give you three guesses!"

The Well Manicured Man: "I beg your pardon? I do not wear dresses!"

X: "Huh?"

The Fat Man: "You guys really crack me up!"

The Cancer Man: "What?"

The Fat Man: "I SAID-!"

Kryhek: "LOOK! It's That Guy!"

X: "I knew it..."

The Well Manicured Man: "Why on earth would you think I ever wore dresses? Is it my accent?"

The Cancer Man: "Oh, for...SHUT UP!"

Krycek: "You want me to take him out?"

[The others look at each other and try not to laugh]

Krycek: "What? What? Oh for...you know what I meant! Oh, knock it off! It was one time!"

The Cancer Man: "Sure, sure..."

Krycek: "It was!"

The Fat Man: "Hey, don't worry about it, you know? Different strokes...!"

[The Guys dissolve in a fit of giggles]

Krycek: "Oh man, that's it!

[He lunges for The Fat Man, but he jumps backwards. In doing so, he slips on a greasy spot on the dance floor and hits the ground with an immense crash, taking most of the dancing girls with him. The crowd cheers wildly]

The Well Manicured Man: "What an idiot...!"

X: "What do we do about those two?"

The Cancer Man: "Let's get a little closer!"

[Leaving The Fat Man to his dancing, The Cancer Man, X, The Well Manicured Man and Krycek sidle nonchalantly through the crowd in the direction of the booth. As they head around the bar...]

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, hello young lady! What a delightful surprise!"

Scully: "What are you guys doing here?"

X: "Oh, you know, hanging out..."

The Well manicured Man: "We come here often!"

Scully: "You? Yeah, right!"

Krycek: "No, really!"

The Cancer Man: "Where's Shturmie? Is he here with you tonight?"

Scully: "He's over there. He's getting me a coke."

The Well Manicured Man: "How gallant. He's such a gentleman. It's a pity some others aren't more like him..."

The Cancer Man: "What? Speak up!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, nothing..."

X: "You're not drinking, Agent Scully. Are you on a case?"

Scully: "No, it's just that, in my condition, well, you know..."

X: "Oh, that's right! Congratulations, by the way!"

Scully: "Thanks..."

The Well Manicured Man: "You and Shturmie must be very happy!"

Scully: "Oh yes! So, why are you guys really here?"

The Cancer Man: "What, a few buddies can't even go out for a night on the town without people asking questions? What's the world coming to...?"

Scully: "Sure, fine, whatever. I see your fat friend is enjoying himself anyway."

The Well Manicured Man: "Harumph!"

X: "Sooo...are you and Shturmie here with Agent That Guy?"

Scully: "No way! He's probably back at the office, sharpening pencils! Or watching videos..."

Krycek: "But he's right over there!"

Scully: "WHAT?"

[She turns...]

Scully: "Oh, great! What, is he stalking me again? Hey, that's Deep Throat! Oh wonderful. He's probably filling him up with more lies and crap! What a sucker! I suppose he's going to try and drag me out of here on The Great Quest..."

[The Guys all stifle smirks. Then...]

The Well Manicured Man: "Agent Scully, would you care to dance?"

Scully: "Wha-?"

Krycek: "WHAT?"

X: "You have got to be kidding me?"

The Well Manicured Man: "What's wrong with you? Can't a gentlemen ask a young lady for one innocent dance without all these looks of outrage?"

The Cancer Man: "You horny old- if she's dancing with anybody, it's going to be me!"

Krycek: "YOU? No way! Like she'd dance with any of you old bastards! I'm the good-looking one in this outfit!"

X: "We know what you're getting at...!"

The Cancer Man: "Yeah! Pretty Boy! BWARHARHARHARHAR...!"

Krycek: "Oh, that's it!"

[He swings at The Cancer Man, who deftly avoids the punch. Instead, it connects with X, who brushes it off as if it were nothing. He punches Krycek once in the face, knocking him out cold. As he falls, Krycek knocks somebody's glass of beer onto Scully's outfit.]

Scully: "Goddammit! Are you crazy! You're like a pack of children!"

[Behind them can be heard a commotion. The bouncers are coming...]

Frohike: "Out of the way, security! What's going on here?"

Langley: "Hey, Agent Scully, what's up?"

Scully: "Wha- what are you guys doing here?"

Byers: "We're moonlighting. We needed some extra cash for our lawyers."

Frohike: "Gouging bastards!

The Cancer Man: "Have you boys been naughty again...?"

Langley: "What's it to ya?"

Frohike: "Yeah punk, what's it to ya?"

[Before he can reply, Krycek begins to moan, loudly]

Byers: "So, what happened to him?"

X: "I knocked him out."

Byers: "Oh."

Langley: "Fair enough."

Frohike: "So, Agent Scully, you wanna dance?"

The Cancer Man: "Oh, for chrissakes...!"

Scully: "I'd love to Frohike, but you turn me on too much and that wouldn't be fair to Shturmie..."

Byers: "Is he around, Agent Scully?"

Langley: "We wanna do a profile cover of him in The Magic Bullet"

Frohike: "Sort of a 'God's God' kinda thing."

Byers: "He is our hero, afterall..."

The Well Manicured Man: "There may be hope for you fellows yet!"

[Scully's cellphone rings]

Scully: "Hello? Where are you? Oh! OK. Hang on a second honey-"

[She covers the mouthpiece]

Scully: "He's outside with Deep Throat. He says there are too many asshole's in here. He wants to know if you guys want to come back to our place for pizza."

X: "How...how did he know we were here?"

Scully: "He knows everything."

The Cancer Man: "I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's amazing!"

The Well Manicured Man: "What do we do about Krycek?"

[They all look down at the figure crumpled on the floor. Frohike shrugs]

Frohike: "I dunno."

Langley: "Who cares?"

[They head off through the crowd in the direction of the club's entrance. As they disappear from sight...]

X: "Hey, wait a minute - if Deep Throat is outside with Shturmie, who's that with That Guy...?"

[In the corner booth, That Guy rises from his seat. He peers around him suspiciously, then slips the thin folder that Deep Throat has given him under his jacket. He waves to Deep Throat, then heads off in the opposite direction to the others. Deep Throat stands up, then walks through the crowd. In the darkness, nobody notices his features change. The Alien Bounty Hunter steps from the club, then strides off up the street. Back in the club, The Fat Man is having a whale of a time...]

1999

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