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Beginnings

Door of S.C. Blevins' office opens. In walks stunningly attractive Special Agent Dana Scully. Seated in the office are Blevins and his Assistant. Leaning against a file cabinet in the corner is some creepy guy, who is wreathed in his own cigarette smoke.

Blevins: "Come in Agent Scully. Have a seat."

Scully: "Thank you sir."

Blevins: "Do you know why we've asked you here today, Agent Scully?"

Scully: "No sir. How would I know that?"

Assistant: "There's no need to be a smart mouth, Agent."

Scully: "I'm sorry sir, but that was just such a stupid question."

Blevins: "Agent Scully, you will please remember who you're talking to here."

Scully: "I'm sorry sir."

Blevins: "Now. Where were we? Oh yes. Have you heard of an Agent called That Guy?"

Scully: "Only by reputation."

Assistant: "How so?"

Scully: "Well sir, everybody knows about him. They say he's crazy. Believes in aliens and bullshit like that."

[The CSM nearly swallows his cigarette, has a coughing fit...]

Blevins: "Please don't use language like that in my office Miss Scully!"

Scully: "It's Ms Scully actually, and please stop staring at my tits."

[The Assistant turns an interesting shade of purple and pretends to tie his shoelaces. Blevins looks extremely uncomfortable indeed]

Blevins: "I...I wasn't staring at your, erm...I was looking at a mark on your shirt!"

Scully: "There's a mark? Oh no, I just bought this today! Where is it?"

[Scully proceeds to examine the front of her shirt]

Blevins: "Please, Miss - Ms - Scully, can we continue?"

Scully: "Yes sir, but this cost me $79.95..."

[The Assistant appears to be crying and his shoelace tying is taking a very long time]

Blevins: "Agent Scully! Please! Your shirt is fine. Now, what do you know about Agent That Guy?"

Scully: "Who? Oh, you mean Spooky?"

Blevins: "What? Spooky? What is?"

Scully: "That was his nickname at the Academy. They also called him Dickhead."

[The CSM hurries from the room. He too appears to be crying, but no tears are visible. The Assistant turns around in his chair and blindly arranges some papers. He seems to be having some difficulty breathing]

Blevins: "Agent Scully, I've warned you already about your language! Please watch what you say in my presence!"

Scully: "Yes sir. I'm sorry sir. But that's what we - they - called him. Dickhead."

Assistant: "I just have to, um..."

[The Assistant runs from the room just as The CSM returns]

Blevins: "AGENT SCULLY! Do you wish to receive a formal reprimand?"

Scully: "No sir, of course not. I meant no disrespect-"

Blevins: "Then please show me some!"

Scully: "Yes sir. Sorry. Why do you want to know about Dick- erm, Agent That Guy?"

Blevins: "We have a special assignment for you. Are you familiar with the so-called X-Files?"

Scully: "You've gotta be kidding me? You drag me out of medical school and now you want me to chase fairies with some crazy man? I can't believe this!"

[The CSM mutters something unintelligible about finding the Assistant and hurries from the room]

Blevins: "PLEASE! Let me finish!"

Scully: "But sir, I have a medical degree! I had to bust my ass to get through college, then the FBI Academy, put up with all sorts of sexist crap, and now this? I won't be treated this way. I'll take the US Government to court if I have to! I can sue you know!

[Blevins looks as if someone has just kneed him in the groin]

Blevins: "Agent Scully! I...there's no need to sue anyone Agent Scully!"

Scully: "Well, I will if I have to sir."

Blevins: "Agent Scully, please, calm down. Please. Now, have a seat. Please hear me out."

[Warily, Scully sits down again. The CSM and the Assistant reenter the room. They look pleased with themselves and a small crowd can be seen gathering in the hallway outside the office]

Blevins: "Now. Agent Scully, Agent That Guy has somehow got himself assigned to the sweetest position in the FBI. He goes where he pleases, when he pleases and doesn't seem to answer to anyone-"

Scully: "Typical! Only a man could get that job..."

Blevins: "Now Ms Scully! If I may continue...?"

Scully: "I'm listening. Do I get a raise if I take this assignment?"

Blevins: "Um...I'll discuss that with the paymaster. But right now, we want you to tag along with Agent That Guy. Find out what he does. Write up some reports on his work, stuff like that."

Scully: "Am I to understand you want me to debunk The X-Files project sir?"

Blevins: "Uh...?"

Scully: "Debunk. That means to demonstrate that it's all crap."

[The CSM snorts, then pretends to dust ash off his suit jacket. The Assistant looks at his shoes again. The crowd in the hall can be seen laughing]

Blevins: "No! No, not at all. We just want reports as to the validity of Agent That Guy's work."

Scully: "Do I get to go where I like, when I like?"

Blevins: "Well...well, you'll have to accompany Agent That Guy wherever he goes..."

Scully: "You said he goes wherever he wants, whenever he wants and answers to nobody."

Assistant: "What the S.C. is saying Agent Scully, is that you go where That Guy goes and write up reports on his work which you'll then submit to us. That's it really."

Scully: "So, basically you're just trying to nail this guy and get him back onto real work like the rest of us."

[The others look at each other queasily. The crowd in the hall has grown.]

Blevins: "Well, kind of, but-"

Scully: "Hey, it sounds OK to me. When do I start?"

Assistant: "Immediately. Do you know where Agent That Guy's office is?"

[Scully stares penetratingly at the Assistant]

Assistant: "Ahem, forgive me, of course you don't. Sorry. It's in the basement."

Scully: "The basement. I'm working in the basement now...?"

Assistant: "Look, Scully, my office isn't all that-"

Blevins: "Agent Scully, do you want this assignment or not? After all, you do get to spend much of your time traveling the country at the taxpayers expense you know."

Scully: "Yeah, sure I'll do it. But I'll still sue you if you dick me around. OK?"

[The men look at each other uneasily]

Blevins: "As I said Agent Scully, there'll be no need to sue anyone. I'm sure you'll enjoy this assignment."

Scully: Yeah, right. We'll see. May I go now sir?

Blevins: "Yes, Agent Scully. Please."

[Agent Scully exits the room. Blevins pulls a Kleenex from his pocket and mops his brow. The Assistant stares at the closing door]

CSM: "Holy shit."

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

1999

duane_barry@altavista.net

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