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A Very Mental Image

Meanwhile, out by Frank's pool...

Chris: "Any of you guys have a camera?"

Rob: "Sure."

Chris: "Can I use it?"

Rob: "I dunno. Do you know how to use a camera?"

Chris: "What?"

Rob: "Well, you asked me if you could use my camera. How can I answer that without knowing whether you know how to operate one? Logic, Carter."

Chris: "Come on, Bowman! Stop being a spaz! Will you please let me use your camera?"

Rob: "Now? You mean you want me to go home and get it? The hell with that...!"

Chris: "No, you dickhead! I thought you had it here!"

Rob: "Why the hell would I have it with me? What, do I look like fucking Ansel Adams to you? Jesus!"

Vince: "It's a pity you aren't. Imagine how much better 'Future would have been..."

[In disgust, Chris turns and leaves...]

Rob: "What? Are you saying I did a bad job?"

Vince: "No! I'm just saying that if you were Ansel Adams, it would have looked pretty amazing, visually! That's all."

Rob: "So, you're implying that because I shot it, it didn't look visually amazing? You think it looked like shit? What's your problem, Gilligan?

John: "You didn't shoot it, Bowman, Ward did! Don't try to take credit for his work!"

Rob: "Shut up, John! I'm not trying to take credit for anybody else's work! I-"

John: "But you just claimed to have shot 'Future, when in fact-"

Rob: "Oh, I'm so fucking sorry! I mean, I was only the Director! How could I possibly try to pretend that I was at all influential on that movie? God, I better go shoot myself!"

Vince: "Adams would shoot you better..."

Rob: "Gilligan, you really piss me off! Just because I-!"

John: "Why do you always over-react to everything? You do it all the time-!"

Rob: "I do not! I do not Goddam over-react!"

John: "See, you're doing it now!"

Rob: "I'm not! You accused me of stealing Ward's credit! Of course I'm going to get a little upset!"

Vince: "A little...?"

Rob: "Screw you, Gilligan! You said I was a shit Director!"

Vince: "I didn't! I merely suggested that 'Future might have looked really cool if Ansel Adams had been the DP-"

Rob: "Bullshit! Bullshit! You said-!"

John: "You're over-reacting...!"

[Rob stands and pours the contents of the ice-bucket onto John's head...]

John: "Jeezusss...!"

[Laughing, Rob flees, as John leaps from the sun-lounger and gives chase. Then...]

Frank: "Hey Vinnie, have you seen Kim?"

Vince: "Of course I have. I've worked with the guy for years."

Frank: "Oh, everyone's a fucking comedian! How come you don't save your best material for the show?"

Vince: "Because. I make way too much money selling it to Malcolm In The Middle..."

Frank: "Ha. Ha. Ha. Fine. Where the hell is Manners?"

Vince: "How should I know? Why?"

Frank: "Oh, he always carries that damn camera around with him...!"

[Frank stalks off. Rob returns with a fresh bucket of ice...]

Rob: "Anyhow, Gilligan, what didn't you like in 'Future?"

Vince: "Shut up, Bowman."

Rob: "No, I'm serious! Why do you think I fucked-up on the movie?"

Vince: "I never said that-"

[Then...]

John: "Give it a rest, Rob! Go get me a beer!"

Rob: "Go get your own goddamm beer! Do I look like Emilio, the house-boy to you?"

Vince: "Nah, most house-boys are much better looking. And they usually aren't as fat."

Rob: "Fuck you, Vince! I'm not goddamm fat!"

John: "Rob, you look like Brando! Not the young Brando, I mean the old fat Brando."

Rob: "Get the fuck-"

[Then...]

Gillian: "Do you guys ever stop arguing?"

Vince: "Hey! How's it going?"

John: "Love the thong!"

Gillian: "Stop perving, Shiban!"

Rob: "But you're wearing a thong...!"

Gillian: "So? What's your point?"

John: "Man! Can anybody tell me why women do that?"

Rob: "A more even tan?"

John: "No, shithead! Why does a broad wear a skimpy outfit, then give a guy dirty looks when he checks her out?"

Gillian: "Because we're not putting on a show for you, that's why!"

Vince: "Of course you are! A chick with a totally hot body who strolls around wearing almost nothing has got to know that guys are going to look at her! It's only natural!"

Gillian: "So you think it's OK for guys to treat women as mere objects?"

Rob: "Bullshit! If I walked down Rodeo wearing a g-string, I know I'm going to get looks!"

John: "Fuck, if you walked along Rodeo wearing a g-string, you'd get harpoons!

Vince: "Think of the carnage! What would be worse, the traumatic blindness or the ricochets off his blubber?"

Gillian: *snork*

Rob: "Hey-!"

[Then...]

Chris: "Have any of you guys seen Manners? Oh, hi Gillian!"

Gillian: "Hi! I haven't seen Kim."

Chris: "Well, where the fuck is he?"

Rob: "I bet he went to the wrong house, again. Probably ended up in Culver. Right about now, the Menendez family are wondering who the fuck is the old white dude sitting in the living room, yelling at Grandpa."

Gillian: *snork*

Chris: "Yeah, yeah. Tell him to come see me when he gets here, OK?"

Gillian: "What's up?"

Chris: "We need his camera..."

[He wanders away...]

Gillian: "What do they want a camera for?"

Rob: "Christ knows."

Vince: "I think it's something to do with that movie."

Gillian: "Which movie?"

Vince: "That Ted Serios thing-"

[Somewhere nearby, a car horn sounds relentlessly...]

Gillian: "What's that noise? What are you staring at, John?"

John: "God, Gill, you're just so hot! Can you go put a robe on, or something? It's driving me crazy!"

Gillian: "Stop looking then! Show some class!"

John: "Well, stop showing some ass!"

[She stands and empties the contents of the ice-bucket onto John's lap...]

John: "Jezusss!"

Rob: "Oh man! I just refilled that!"

Vince: "I guess you'll be going straight to sleep tonight, Shiban."

Gillian: *snork*

John: "That wasn't funny! You can injure a man that way!"

Gillian: "I'll remember never to do it to a man then."

[The car horn continues to sound...]

Gillian: "Just what the hell is that?"

[John's cellphone rings. He answers it...]

John: "Hello?"

Kim: "Where the fuck are you guys?"

John: "We're at Frank's house. Where are you?"

Kim: "I'm in his goddam fucking driveway! I've been here for 15 fucking goddam minutes!"

John: "So, why don't you come up?"

Kim: "Because, Shiban, retard, the fucking goddam gates won't open! Who broke the fucking things? Jezusss!"

John: "Where's your card?"

Kim: "Are you deaf, Shiban? I said the fucking gates are broken!"

John: "What about the code-?"

Kim: "Listen, moron! I've tried the code! It doesn't work either! Somebody come down and let me the hell in! I've been honking for ages! The neighbors are watching me through fucking binoculars!"

[He hangs up...]

Rob: "What's going on?"

John: "Manners is locked out."

Vince: "Locked out? Of where?"

John: "Here! That's him making all that racket in the driveway!"

Gillian: "So why doesn't he use his card?"

John: "He says the gates are busted."

Gillian: "Oh. Well, they worked OK for me..."

Rob: "God, he's just such a fucking bozo!"

[Then...]

Chris: "What's that noise?"

John: "It's Kim. He's talking to the neighbors."

Chris: "Why's he honking his horn? The guy's a fucking idiot!"

Gillian: "He says the gates are broken."

Frank: "Oh, for fuck's sake! There's nothing wrong with the damn gates! God! I've been stung by jellyfish that were smarter than Manners...!"

[He and Chris head for the driveway...]

Gillian: "I bet you guys do a lot of dope."

[In the driveway...]

Kim: "Where the fuck were you? I've been here so long, two guys tried to clean my windshield! Fuck!"

Frank: "Knock it off, Kim! Why the hell didn't you use your code?"

Kim: "Because, Mr Spotnitz, the damn gates don't work! What do you expect when you install the cheapest security system known to man?"

Frank: "The hell with you, Manners! This cost a damn fortune! How come nobody else had problems with it? Give me your card!"

[Kim tosses it to him...]

Frank: "Jezuss, no wonder! This is your card!"

Kim: "Of course it's my card! Who else would it belong too, Yasser Arafat? Christ almighty!"

Frank: "No, moron, this is the card for your security system! It opens your gates! The ones at your house!"

Kim: "Yeah, so? What's your point?"

Chris: "Well, it's not going to open anybody else's now, is it?"

Kim: "I don't follow."

Chris: "You kill me, Manners! Do you have your camera?"

Kim: "My...? What camera?"

Frank: "The camera we specifically asked you to bring! The one you should have had here hours ago!"

Kim: "What am I, Craft Services? I don't drive around with freaking cameras all day!"

Chris: "Well, that's just great...!"

Kim: "So, are you going to let me in, or what? Who else is here?"

Frank: "Everybody. Gillian's in a thong bikini thing!"

Kim: "Yeah?"

[He unlocks the gates, and Kim drives in. Soon...]

Kim: "Hey."

Gillian: "Hi Kim! Have some trouble?"

Kim: "Spotnitz has crappy security."

Frank: "I have crappy friends..."

Rob: "What took you so long, Manners?"

Kim: "It's not my fault! I got lost on the way here. I had to stop in Culver City and ask for directions. It took me a while to find somebody who spoke English!"

Gilian: *snork*

Frank: "Culver City? Where the hell were you coming here from, Catalina?"

Kim: "I was at the marina! What's your problem!"

Chris: "The problem is we need your camera! We want to try something!"

Gillian: "Oh, are you trying to make thoughtographs? Cool."

Kim: "How do you expect to take thoughtographs with a digital camera?"

Frank: "Wha...?"

Kim: "Well, aren't those pictures supposed to be induced by brainwaves acting on the film emulsion? My camera's a digital."

Chris: "But, it's a camera...!"

John: "He kind of has a point there, Chris. Isn't it some kind of chemical reaction?"

Chris: "But-"

Rob: "Aren't thoughts the result of electro-chemical reactions in the brain, which cause the waves? Would it matter if it's a digital camera?"

Vince: "You'd think that brainwaves, being electroagnetic radiation, would be able to affect electronic equipment, including sensitive CCD chips. I can see what you're saying, how chemicals might respond to thoughts, but I reckon a digital camera would work."

John: "Are CCD chips more sensitive than film? Film has a much wider color range and better contrast than digital cameras can produce. Would that affect it?"

Kim: "My camera could. It's awesome."

Frank: "It's got nothing to do with color or light! It's about the brainwaves!"

Rob: "How do you know? Are you some kind of neuro expert?"

Kim: "My camera cost a fortune. I bet it could do it fine!"

Frank: "Look-!"

Vince: "Did you know that astronomers have been able to detect the signature of chlorophyl in the Earthlight reflected back to us from the Moon?"

Gillian: "Really? They can tell it's caused by plants?"

Vince: "Yeah. Some people from Arizona and France did it. They hope to be able to use the technique to detect life on planets beyond the Solar system."

Gillian: "That's amazing! Can they really do that?"

Vince: "I don't think the equipment is sensitive enough yet to do it-"

Frank: "Maybe Kim's camera could do it..."

Chris: "Jezuss! Great! The day wasted, because Kim forgot his camera! Man...!"

Gillian: "Well, I have a camera."

Frank: "You? Really?"

Chris: "You have it here? Now?"

Gillian: "Sure! It's just an old Polaroid that I let Piper play with. Do you want to use it?"

Chris: "Yes! Please!"

Gillian: "OK, back soon."

[She heads for the driveway. The guys watch her go...]

John: "Man, she looks hot in that thing!"

Chris: "I must admit..."

[Soon...]

Gillian: "OK, what shall we do?"

Frank: "Uh...?"

Chris: "Why don't you stand over there by the pool and take a shot of us, and we'll all concentrate on the camera."

Vince: "Don't you have to cover it up or something?"

Frank: "Of course. Just put your hand over the lens or something."

Gillian: "That's kind of awkward. I know...!"

[She reverses the camera, and holds the lens tightly against her bikini top...]

John: "Oh, God...!"

Gillian: "OK, I'm going to push the button in 5 seconds! Start concentrating!"

[They do, and she does. There is a whirring sound, and the picture pops out. They crowd around her...]

Gillian: "Hey, look! There's an image!"

Rob: "So what is it?"

[They watch as the image slowly forms...]

Gillian: "It looks like...five women...no, it's the same woman...it's...it's me...but...why am I naked...?"

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

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