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Finale Fever

Meanwhile, in an office at Ten Thirteen Productions...

John: "Definitely Shrek!"

Rob: "No way! Shrek sucked! The Emperor's New Groove was just so much better!"

John: "How the fuck can you say Shrek sucked? It was a total fucking classic! You have no taste at all, Bowman!"

Frank: "Yeah Bowman."

Rob: "Shrek was crap. It was nothing more than an exercize in Gee-Whiz. The storyline absolutely stunk on ice."

John: "No it didn't-!"

Rob: "It did! Dragons and Princesses and Trolls, for fuck's sake? Talk about tired! Who the fuck would make a movie about fucking dragons, for Christ's sake?"

John: "Listen, you cannot justifiably diss Shrek! It was amazing! The first time you saw the foliage-"

Rob: "But that's my whole fucking point! Jezuss, Shiban! You never fucking take anything in! Your brain switches to hold mode the second anybody else tries to express an opposing opinion! In fact, you do it the second anybody but you says anything at all-"

John: "Oh, Mr Bowman, please stop, you're going to make me cry..."

Rob: "Look! Once you got over the CGI in Shrek, it went as stale as that blintz I found under Spotnitz's sofa! The voice-acting was mediocre as hell, the story was lame and the dialog must have been written by a fanfic author-!"

Vince: "I dunno, Rob, it wasn't that bad. I think maybe you're forgetting that it was a kids movie."

Rob: "But it wasn't! It was marketed at computer geeks! It got more coverage on 'slashdot' than it did in fucking Variety, for fuck's sake!"

Frank: "Ah, what a bunch of horseshit! I can't believe you do this for a living, Bowman! You oughta be washing cars..."

Rob: "Hey, fuck you, Spotnitz! It's not bullshit! That movie was aimed totally at people just like The Comic Store Guy in The Simpsons! Big fat greasy Linux nerds with no lives!"

Vince: "Come on, Rob-!"

Rob: "It's fucking true-!"

Kim: "What's true?"

Vince: "Bowman thinks Shrek sucked."

Kim: "Was that the animated movie with Cameron Diaz?"

John: "Uhuh."

Kim: "Man, she's hot! She wants me."

Frank: "Oh, please-!"

John: "No she fucking doesn't! Why the fuck would a babe like her want an old bastard like you, for Christ's sake? You guys are all fucking mental!"

Kim: "Sure she wants me. You can see it in her eyes everytime she looks at me."

Rob: "When the hell has Cameron Diaz ever looked at you?"

Kim: "In that movie. I was sitting in the theater and she looked right at me. It was so obvious."

Frank: "Oh, for fuck's sake..."

Kim: "You guys are just so dumb!"

[Then...]

Dean: "Hey."

Rob: "Hey, Dean! What are you doing in town?"

Dean: "I've been shooting a music video with Alanis."

Frank: "Who?"

Dean: "Alanis. Alanis Morrisette! You know, the singer...?"

Kim: "She wants me too."

Frank: "Manners, just get the fuck out of here!"

Dean: "Uh, well, she never actually mentioned you-"

Rob: "Forget it, Dean, he's just being a dickhead!"

Dean: "Oh. Is Chris around?"

Frank: "Someplace. How come?"

Dean: "Um, I was just wondering whether you guys have any copies of the Finale lying around I could take a look at..."

[Then...]

Chris: "Hey, look who it is! What brings you to LA?"

Dean: "Hey Chris. Got any spare copies of the Finale episode?"

Chris: "No, but I'll get one to you as soon as possible."

Dean: "Great! So I'm in it then? I mean the Gunmen are in it?

Chris: "I meant you'll get a copy if you need one."

Dean: "Uhuh. So, am I in it?"

Frank: "Jesus, Haglund, you'll find out soon enough! Don't be so damn needy!"

Dean: "Fuck you, Spotnitz! I need to know soon, because I've been offered a part on Buffy, and-"

Frank: "Congratulations. Take it."

Dean: "But-"

John: "Hey Dean, did you like Shrek?

Dean: "Huh?"

Rob: "Did you like the movie Shrek?"

Dean: "I don't-"

Chris: "Listen, Dean, no offense, but we're about to have a Finale meeting here, so..."

Dean: "Oh. Sure. Call me soon, Carter!"

Chris: "Yeah, will do."

Kim: "And give Alanis my love, OK?"

Dean: "Yeah, yeah, whatever!"

[Dean reluctantly departs...]

Kim: "Like I said, sooo dumb...!"

Chris: "Who is?"

Kim: "You."

Chris: "Me? What the fuck did I do now?"

Frank: "Manners thinks that Cameron Diaz wants to jump him."

Chris: "Her too? I thought it was Alanis! Fucking mid-life crisis. Just go buy a little red convertible and shut the hell up!"

Kim: "I have one. It's called a Porsche. I'm surprised you haven't seen it outside."

Rob: "You're such a dork."

Kim: "Fuck you. You drive a woman's car."

Chris: "Can anybody tell me why we are wasting time with this shit? Let's get this meeting started, already!"

John: "Bowman didn't like Shrek."

Chris: "Really? How come?"

Rob: "It's because I'm a professional film-maker, Shiban, not some wannabe Fanboy 101 loser like you! How can You try to pass judgement over my taste in movies? God, you thought The Matrix was cool...!"

John: "I did not! You're such a fucking liar, Bowman!"

Chris: "How come you didn't like Shrek?"

Vince: "Oh Christ, can we have this meeting-?"

Kim: "So, did you like The Emperor's New Groove? I thought that was totally cool."

Rob: "Yes! See, now that's what I'm talking about! Totally classy, and brilliantly constructed!"

John: "A fucking Disney movie? What are you, retarded?"

Rob: "The Emperor's New Groove rocked! I mean, look at the acting and dialog! It was superb! The pacing was never out, and-"

Frank: "But, Rob, a Disney movie?"

Rob: "So what? It was great!"

Kim: "Kronk ruled-!"

Chris: "Jesus, shut the hell up about that shit! I hope you guys have given the Finale as much fucking attention as-"

John: "So what about Harry Potter?"

Rob: "What about it?"

John: "Well, that was kids movie, but it was great for adults, too."

Frank: "Christ, you have got to be kidding me! My ass went into a coma before the titles finished rolling! It was about as entertaining as syphillis!"

John: "Come on, it was great!"

Rob: "One word, Shiban: 'yawn'."

Vince: "Sorry John, I'm with them on that one. If you weren't nine years old, it was fucking torture."

[Then...]

William: "Hi there!"

Frank: "Hey Bill! What are you doing down here?"

William: "Oh, you know, I was just on my way to speak with the agency and I thought I'd say hello."

Chris: "Isn't your agency based in Vancouver?"

William: "Uh, well, they have an office down here, now."

Vince: "Why would you come down to LA, when you can see them in Vancouver?"

William: "Erm, I'm in a skiing competition here."

John: "Really? I never heard of-"

William: "Listen, Chris, I really need a copy of the Finale-"

Frank: "What, are you going to ski on it?"

Chris: "Now, Bill, you'll get a copy if you need one. You know that."

William: "Well don't forget how popular The Cancer Man is with the fans! You'd be doing the show a great disservice by not including him in the final-"

Rob: "Yeah, yeah, sure thing Bill. Don't get too sunburnt now, you hear?"

William: "Fuck you, Bowman. Don't you have a job to go to?"

Rob: "You're the one who came all the way down-"

William: "Damn it, I need to know whether I'm in the Finale, because I've been offered a part on Buffy, and-!"

Frank: "Take it! Those chicks all wear tight clothes."

Chris: "Look, I'll give you a call tomorrow, OK?"

William: "Well, OK, but don't dick me around, Carter..."

[He reluctantly departs...]

Kim: "You guys ever watch Sesame Street?"

Frank: "What?"

Kim: "Sesame Street! You don't even know what Sesame Street is? What, did you grow up on Planet X, or something?"

Frank: "Oh, fuck off, Manners! Of course I know what Sesame Street is! I just wanted to know what the fuck you mentioned it for!"

John: "I think Kim was Bert. Or Ernie."

Rob: "Ernie and Bert were gay! It was so funny watching those two on a kids show-!"

Vince: "Get the fuck out of here! They weren't gay! They were fucking puppets, for Christ's sake!"

Rob: "So, they were gay puppets!"

Chris: "For the love of God-!"

Rob: "Look, two guys living together like that-"

Vince: "They were puppets! You do understand that, don't you-?!

Rob: "Don't be so dense, Gilligan! I'm talking about the concept they represented-!

Frank: "You represent the concept of 'Rob Bowman, Total Weiner'!"

Rob: "Screw you, Frank! How could they not be gay-?"

John: "How could you not be a moron-?"

Kim: "Look! Jezuss! All I meant was that Sesame Street is full of subversive humor aimed at adults watching the show with their kids! That's all! fucking gay puppets-!"

Rob: "So, do you think all those mommies sitting on the couch next to Junior missed that whole Bert-Ernie Relationship thing? It was so obvious!"

Chris: "OK, that's it, you-!"

[Then...]

Mitch: "Oh, Hi guys. How's things?"

Frank: "Ah. Mitch. What's up?"

Mitch: "Uh, I just wondered if you had any copies of the Finale."

Chris: "No! I've told you already, if we decide you're in it, we'll Fedex a copy to you right away!"

Mitch: "Uh, OK. It's just that I've been offered a part on Buffy, and-"

Frank: "Take it!"

Mitch: "But if the shoot conflicts with-"

Rob: "Gee, Mitch, that's so kind of you to think of us..."

Mitch: "Hey, my loyalty remains with this show, OK? You guys don't give a fuck at all, do you?"

Kim: "Nope. Not a one."

Vince: "Speak for yourself, Manners!"

Chris: "Look, Mitch, we'll call you..."

Mitch: "You'll call me? What the fuck kind of brush-off shit is-?"

Frank: "We're having a meeting, Pileggi! A Finale meeting! OK?"

Mitch: "Uh. OK. Just keep me informed!"

Rob: "Sure thing, boss!"

Mitch: "Fuck you, Bowman..."

[He reluctantly departs...]

Chris: "Jezuss. They're worse than the fucking fans!"

John: "So, OK, who liked Monster's Inc?"

Frank: "Now, that was good!"

Chris: "Oh, for f-!"

[Then...]

Mimi: "Hi guys! What's up?"

Chris: "Please, God, no...!"

Frank: "What do you want, Rogers?"

Mimi: "Man, what's your problem? I just want to know if you have a copy of the Finale for me."

Chris: "No! We do not have any copies of the fucking Finale for you, OK?"

Mimi: "Fuck, Carter, what's up with you? All I asked-"

Chris: "NO! This is a Finale meeting! We haven't decided yet! If you're in it, you'll get a script, OK? Fuck!"

Mimi: "Well, alright, there's no need to scream! Just don't forget that you never showed Fowley dead, OK? You can easily bring her back, and the fans love her!"

Frank: "If she's back, she's back-"

Mimi: "Well, hurry up! I'll need an answer soon, because I've been offered a part on Buffy-"

Chris: "Fuck you! fuck Buffy! Get the fuck out of here!"

[He slams the door in her face...]

Chris: "Goddammit! I can't fucking believe this shit about Buffy! Just who the fuck do they think they're kidding? What is this, the Buffy crossover episode?"

[There is a knock at the door...]

Chris: "Man, that's it...!"

[He wrenches it open...]

Sarah: "Hi! I hope I'm not intruding! My producers and I were just wondering if you have any spare copies of the Finale..."

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

scullysland@yahoo.com