The Great Brain-Storm Session

[The Surf's up at Malibu...]

John: "So, how about vampires?"

Kim: "3. And Bad Blood."

John: "Uh..."

Rob: "3 blew."

Vince: "Mmm. It was a little weak."

Chris: "Oh, I dunno, I kind of liked it. It pissed-off the shippers."

Frank: "What more could you ask for?"

John: "True."

[Frank passes out sandwiches]

Rob: "Vampires are lame."

Kim: "What about Dracula?"

Rob: "That was lame too."

Vince: "That's a classic piece of literature, for Christ's sake!"

Rob: "It's a classic piece of literature which blows. Vampires are lame."

Chris: "You don't think they're an important part of folklore and culture?"

Rob: "Maybe, but they still suck. Figuratively speaking."

Frank: "No they don't!"

Rob: "They do! They're not even scary!"

Frank: "Sure they are!"

Rob: "But they aren't believable! If it's not believable, it's not scary."

Kim: "So what do you think is believable and scary?"

[Rob thinks for a moment]

Rob: "Fans."

Chris: "Fans? Our fans are fucking unbelievable if you ask me!"

Frank: "But you have to admit, they are scary."

John: "How can they be, if, as according to Rob's argument, the unbelievable isn't scary?"

Frank: "I dunno. But they sure are something."

Rob: "So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they're just lame."

[A few small fluffy clouds drift in the sky]

Frank: "Bad Blood was cool."

Rob: "Yeah, I liked that one."

John: "Was that one of of yours, Vince?"

Vince: "Uhuh. Cliffie directed."

Rob: "OK."

[Condensation from their beer cans slowly drips onto the ground between their feet]

Kim: "Hey, look at that bird!"

Chris: "Which bird?"

Kim: "There. That one. It only has one leg."

Frank: "No it hasn't! It's just standing on one leg!"

Kim: "Fuck off! Why the fuck would it stand on only one leg?"

Frank: "Uh, maybe because it's a gull! They do that, you know?"

Rob: "Jezuss."

Kim: "Shut up."

John: "There, look, it's on two legs."

Kim: "It's not the same one!"

Chris: "How can you tell, Kim?"

Kim: "I just know."

Frank: "But they all look the goddam same!"

Kim: "Not to me!"

Chris: "So, where's the one-legged one now?"

Kim: "It's there! Somewhere..."

John: "Kim Manners - Writer, Director, Ornithologist!"

Rob: "What a goddam bumpkin..."

Chris: "Maybe we should call him Doctor Dolittle."

Vince: "You're an idiot, Manners."

Kim: "Screw you guys."

[A gentle breeze blows sand into their faces]

Chris: "Man, it's warm."

Rob: "Yup. Sure is."

John: "So, OK, what about werewolves?"

Kim: "Shapes."

John: "Uh..."

Rob: "Werewolves aren't scary either."

Frank: "Jeezuss."

Rob: "Well, they're not! I mean, come on! Wolfmen? My cousin's kid is scarier than that."

Vince: "So, Jekyll and Hyde is crap too, I suppose."

Rob: "Hey, it just doesn't do it for me, OK? That stuff might have frightened our Grannies, but it just isn't scary today. Ever been to Oakwood?"

John: "Man, I bet there's some fucking scary shit happens down there at night."

[They are silently thoughtful for a while. Some guy is flying a kite not far away]

David: "Hey guys."

John: "Hey Amigo."

Tea: "Hi!"

Frank: "Hey there, mommy!"

Rob: "Did you bring beer, Duchovny?"

David: "Yes, Bowman, I brought beer! What do you think I am?"

Vince: "A Scottish Jew. I bet you didn't bring enough for everybody."

David: "Fuck you too, Vincent."

Tea: "Man, you guys..."

[They bunch up to make room]

Chris: "You could say that aliens in our recent culture are merely modern manifestations of the same fears which drove our ancestors to create the myths and legends of their time."

[They peer at him]

Frank: "What...?"

David: "How many has he had already?"

Chris: "No, seriously. They had blood-sucking vampires and monstrous werewolves, we have aliens and shit."

Rob: "OK. Aliens can be scary, I guess."

John: "But are they believable?"

Chris: "Most scientists would hesitate to deny their existence. The odds are in favor of intelligent life beyond the Earth."

John: "But what are the odds of them coming here and probing your anus?"

Tea: "Yuck! This is what you guys do all day?"

Frank: "It's a living."

[David passes out the beers. It's a cheap brand]

John: "So, we've done vampires, werewolves, ghosts...have we done ghosts?"

Rob: "Uh DUH! How about The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas? Fuck, Shiban!"

John: "Hey, eat it, Bowman."

Kim: "Actually, it was How the Ghosts Stole Christmas. And we did Space. Was that a ghost?"

Frank: "No, it was just shit."

Chris: "Shut up Spotnitz, I wrote that!"

Frank: "What, and you admit it?"

Chris: "Fuck you."

John: "Say, didn't you also write Jersey Devil?"

Chris: "What's your point?"

John: "Nothing..."

[Chris flicks a lump of ice at him]

David: "There was that episode with the ghost of Scully's dad. Ocean-something?"

Kim: "Beyond the Sea. Also, there was Elegy, where that guy saw all those dead girls."

[Frank stares at him]

Frank: "Manners, just how the fuck do you remember all this stuff?"

Kim: "I dunno. I just do."

Frank: "Jeezuss. You should have a fucking website..."

[They watch the birds scavenging in the sand]

John: "OK, so that's ghosts too. We've also done time-travel, aliens, zombies, serial killers-"

Rob: "When did we do zombies?"

[They all look at Kim]

Kim: "Fresh Bones. Season 2. Happy?"

Chris: "You're a fucking marvel..."

John: "So, is there anything we haven't already done?"

David: "Are you sure we did time-travel? I don't remember that. Which episode?"

[They look at Kim. Again]

Kim: "What? If you people are gonna keep giving me shit-"

Frank: "Just answer the damn question, Dolittle!"

David: "Dolittle? What the hell is that?"

Chris: "Just our little joke. Go on Kim."

Kim: "So it was Synchrony. Season 4. That researcher guy and the freezing thing. Remember?"

David: "Oh, right, and he comes back to stop himself."

Kim: "Uhuh."

Chris: "We did a sea monster, once. Only it was in a lake."

Frank: "Well, it's decided then - we do a lake monster, only it's in the sea. Thank God that's settled..."

Chris: "Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Kim: "We did a sea monster on land, too. In Agua Mala. Remember?

Chris: "Oh yeah. With the cat. Well, I don't know. What do you think we should do, Dave?"

David: "Hey, what the fuck do I care? Not my problem anymore!"

John: "Useless prick."

[Dave smiles to himself. It's becoming very hot. The sun is high in the sky]

Kim: "See! I told you! There's that one-legged bird again!"

Frank: "Oh for f-!"

Tea: "Oh, poor birdie! Where?"

John: "It doesn't have one leg! Kim's just never seen a goddam seagull before!"

Tea: "You're kidding, right?"

Chris: "No."

Kim: "I have too seen fucking seagulls! This one just happens to have only one leg!"

David: "Where?"

Kim: "That one!"

David: "Which one?"

Vince: "Gee Kim, I wonder if it's related to all those one-legged gulls over there."

Kim: "What-?"

[They observe a large group of gulls all standing on one leg]

David: "Maybe they all had skiing accidents or something."

Tea: "Dave, don't be so mean..."

[She laughs anyway]

Kim: "Whatever! Make an honest mistake. I still say it only has one leg..."

[A speedboat roars past, frightening the birds]

Frank: "Oh, jeez, look at the time! I gotta split."

Chris: "Yup, I guess we should..."

[They stand and brush the sand from their legs]

David: "So, dinner, my place?"

Vince: "Are you going to have any food this time?"

David: "Hey, the hell with you then, Gilligan! Have your own fucking barbecue! What are you laughing at?"

Tea: "Nothing! Sorry! It's just that I keep forgetting how well you guys know each other..."

[They pack up their things and head towards the parking lot]

Frank: "Don't get so drunk that you forget to come up with an idea...!"

Chris: "Would we do that?"

Rob: "Naaahhh...!"

[Soon, the seagulls swoop down on the remains of their picnic. They all have two legs]

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

duane_barry@altavista.net