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Justice For All

Meanwhile, Back At The Convention...

Kim: "No way, I did it last time!"

Vince: "Hey, don't look at me! I've had to do it every damn year!"

Frank: "Come on, you guys! Where's the spirit?"

John: "At home, in a bottle. Ciao!"

Chris: "What's going on?"

Frank: "These chickenshits won't do the meet-the-fan thing!"

Vince: "Nope, I won't, and you can call me whatever the hell you like, I'm not going out there."

Chris: "Come on, Vince! You have to!"

Vince: "Really, Chris? Are you sure about that? Call my lawyer, and tell him where in my contract it says I have to subject myself to abuse from a bunch of crazy, hysterical fans, willingly or otherwise."

Frank: "Jezuss, you make it sound like Nuremburg, for fuck's sake! You-"

John: "It's worse than Nuremburg! At least those Nazi's got a quick death!"

Frank: "What a goddam baby! Come on, it'll be OK!"

Kim: "Oh yeah? You remember last year? I spent five fucking hours in that jail cell! I almost got a tattoo!"

Vince: "And it was three months before my hair grew back properly! When Mutual found out I produced The X-Files, they doubled my premiums!"

[The sound of pandemonium filters through the curtains...]

John: "Listen to them out there! Where the fuck is Duchovny?"

Chris: "Um, he left a while back."

Kim: "Christ, no Dave?"

Vince: "You better have Gillian there!"

Chris: "Well-"

Frank: "Of course we'll have her there! Look, Chris and I will be out there too, OK? Nothing's going to happen! They won't risk hurting Gillian!"

Rob: "What's up?"

Chris: "Nothing. Get ready to go out and sign some pictures."

Rob: "Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not going out there! Those people are nuts! Last year they blamed me for the Oklahoma City bombing!"

Frank: "You bunch of pussies! Gillian's going to be out there! I've moved all the tables closer together. I tell you, they definitely won't risk hurting their beloved Dana Scully!

Chris: "Uh, actually, she had to leave..."

Kim: "What? No Gillian? Man, we're fucked!"

John: "What about Robert or Annabeth?"

Rob: "Are you shitting me? They still have US Marshalls guarding them!"

Chris: "OK, alright, deep breaths! You guys know the drill! Just give the usual answers, unless it's about the new movie - if it's about the movie, pretend like you know some cool secret stuff and if they pull any tricky shit, I'll call security. And don't make eye contact either, OK, and for fuck's sake, don't let them touch you! Do all that, and you'll be fine."

[Then...]

Intro Guy: "Hey, are you guys ready?"

Frank: "Just give us a minute, OK?"

Intro Guy: "Sure, but you better not take too long, they're getting pretty restless out here."

Kim: "What are they like?"

Intro Guy: "Uh, well, kind of ugly, actually."

Vince: "Jezuss..."

Chris: "Look, guys, I promise it won't be anything like last year, OK?"

Intro Guy: "That's for sure! These guys are much worse than last year's bunch!"

John: "What? Are you serious?"

Intro Guy: "Oh, yeah! Last year was a fucking tea-party! I'm glad I'm not you guys!"

[He vanishes back out into the auditorium. Then...]

Mitch: "Hey, are we too late?"

Vince: "Mitch! Oh, thank God!"

Frank: "Where the fuck have you been?"

Tom: "We got held up at the gates."

Bruce: "Dean called the guard a fascist."

Dean: "Well he was! Fucking little Hitler! He told me to get a haircut! I'm gonna get that guy sooo fired!"

Bruce: "Christ, he works for FOX, hasn't he suffered enough...?"

Tom: "We haven't missed it, have we?"

Frank: "No! We're just about to go on. Ready?"

Mitch: "You bet! I love this part."

Rob: "You're kidding me, right?"

Mitch: "No way! Remember last year, when that dumb broad took off all her clothes and tried to sit on my lap? What a blast!"

Dean: "Hey, where's Gillian?"

Chris: "Um, she couldn't make it."

Tom: "What?"

Bruce: "No Gillian?"

Dean: "Later...!"

Frank: "Where are you guys going?"

Bruce: "Well, surely you don't expect us to go out there without her protection, do you? Remember last year? She and Duchovny were right there and they still fucking rioted!"

Frank: "Look, just wait, OK?"

Tom: "Nyuh-uh, not a chance! I'm going back to Vancouver!"

Vince: "If they're going, I'm going!"

John: "Amen!"

Frank: "Don't wimp out on us now, guys! Show some fucking grit!"

Bruce: "Fuck that!"

Chris: "Wait! What if we got you your show back?"

Dean: "Pfft, yeah, sure..."

[Out in the auditorium, the yelling has become a steady roar. Then...]

Intro Guys: "It's now or never, guys. If you don't come out here, they'll come in and get you."

Mitch: "Come on, what are you all waiting for?"

Chris: "Fine. OK. Don't worry about it, you guys will be fine!"

Rob: "Why do you keep saying you, and not we, Carter?"

Chris: "Wha...you don't expect me to go out there, do you?"

Frank: "What-!"

[Suddenly, something hits the Intro Guy on the head, and he goes down...]

John: "Jezuss!"

Frank: "What the hell was that?"

Rob: "It's a brick! There's a note with it!"

Bruce: "A note? Are you serious?

Vince: "It says What happened to the MSR?..."

John: "Fuck this, I'm outta here!"

Tom: "How? The bastards are everywhere!"

Frank: "OK men, I think it's time for Operation Human Shield!"

Chris "What the fuck is-?"

[Frank grabs Chris, and shoves him out in front, the rest of the guys bringing up the rear]

Chris: "No! Stop-!"

Tom: "Say, do you guys smell smoke...?"

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

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