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Why I Hate Chris Carter's Hair

I remember when I first saw him, so vividly. His hair was styled like no other! Oh, God, it was gorgeous. I spent hours and hours just looking at it and even created a fansite! It was all so new! I'd never seen a haircut like it. The whole World was enraptured. I guess we bacame a little obsessed with Chris Carter's hair.

Occasionally, during the past few years, he changed his look slightly, but that was OK, because it was still recognizable as the original: same general color, same highlights and tints, that kind of thing. Wonderful!

But that all changed.

Not so long ago, one of his most important stylists decided that Chris was ripping him off, and he stormed out in a huff. The guy figured it was time for a change, anyway. Evidently, so did Chris, because he not only got a new stylist - and style - but he hired a couple of manucurists as well!

I *hate* them, and I hate the new look! I feel so betrayed! Who are these people? They weren't doing his hair, way back when! They're so...so...*new*!

It's unacceptable! His hair belongs to all of us! We've spent so much time worshipping it, so much time talking about it and thinking about it and writing hairfic and hoping - longing - for him to notice us and give us a job at the salon too! We always buy exactly the same hair-care products he uses! We made his hair - and him - successful, yet he behaves as if we don't have a say in how he has it cut!

Because of this, I'm asking each and every one of you to hate Chris Carter. I want you to pray for his downfall. Let's hope that he ends his days curled up in some dumpster, cold, hungry and smelling vaguely of that stuff you find at the bottom of the jar you keep your toothbrushes in. He must suffer, and experience the worst agonies imaginable, since he has destroyed our lives!

DEATH TO CHRIS CARTER!

The "Let's Blame Somebody" Game

I blame obsessed "fans" who lose sight of the fact that The X-Files is just another television show, no matter how much they might adore it, and that producing it is just another job.

I blame arrogant "fans" who are convinced that only they have the answers, and must tell experienced professionals how to do their job, even though these 'fans' have no experience of their own, usually due to the fact that they are still in junior high.

I blame infantile "fans" who wish harm - physical, emotional, psychological, financial - upon people they have never met (and never will), simply because their intended victims had the temerity to alter their own product, an unforgivable sin. Not only did they have the sheer gall to do it, they failed to consult with these 'fans' first.

I blame psychologically-impaired "fans" who perpetrate and perpetuate hate-mail, boycotts and I-Hate-Chris-Carter-And-I'm-Not-Going-To-Rest-Until-He-Has-Been-Torn-Apart-By-Wild-Dogs mass messageboard posting campaings, simply because they feel they aren't getting their own way with the show, which is unacceptable because their mommy and daddy always lets them have their own way.

I blame Karl-Heinz von Grimmelsdorf, third Grand Duke of Prussia, for waking-up one morning in 1732 and saying to his wife, Christiane, "You know, I think I'll kill some more peasants today." What a bastard.

Most of all, I blame losers who blame other people. They are the absolute pits! Why they can't just take it like men (or Special Agent women), I'll never understand. Sheesh! Complainers, huh?

From Capitol Hill

Recent Anti-terrorism legislation implemented in the wake of the attacks of Sept 11 does not apply to fans of the FOX Network television show, The X-Files, a Whitehouse spokesperson announced this afternoon.

"Although this Administration has done more to stifle freedom of expression and basic Civil Liberties than probably any other in recent history, we are unable to justify the oppression or repression of these people, even to ourselves." said Governor Tom Ridge.

"They are already so profoundly intellectually-impaired from years of total immersion in this show, that we feel they could never constitue a threat, to either the security of these United States, or the interests of our Corporate buddies."

When asked for comment regarding the recent announcement by both FOX and The X-Files creators, Ten Thirteen Productions, that the show would end it's nine-season run in May, Governor Ridge stated that he was unaware of this development, as he had been on vacation with President Bush. Ridge said he could respond only after he had time to logon to the show's official fan forum as DFOWLEY and investigate the matter.

"I also want to find out what XFWicked thought of me calling her a stupid little lamer who probably still lives with her elderly mother and wouldn't recognize Chris Carter if he kicked her front door in and jammed a 10-footer [surfboard] up her ass!", a visibly excited Ridge continued.

"And what about that whole Doggett-Reyes-Relationship thing? What's up with that?"

Dreamland Pt 1 and, uh, well, just Pt 1...

Hello everybody, Chris Carter here. I've been masquerading as DFOWLEY simply because I've wanted to assess the opinions and reactions of fans of my show, The X-Files, as expressed here upon this forum. I apologize for any discomfort this knowledge might cause anybody.

You might be wondering why, if I've been so intent on collating this information, I have not chosen to lurk anonymously as a 'guest', rather than run rampant throughout the length-and-breadth of this message board, dropping hints to my true identity the way the Air Force drops daisy-cutters upon Tora Bora. Why not just openly declare both my identity and my intent right away?

These are not only valid questions, but truly excellent ones, and I shall explain.

The answer is simply that I'm not Chris Carter. I'm some zit-faced adolescent hammering away at my keyboard with two fingers, while harboring technicolor fantasies encompassing David Duchovny, Anna Kournikova, a steam press and two guys from Boise named Chuck and Andrew. FOOLED YA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! You really thought I was Chris Carter! HAHAHAHA! Nobody's ever tried doing THAT before here at the official XF forum, I bet! HAHAHAHAHA! I can't wait til I tell all my friends! HAHAHAHAHAHA! They'll think I'm just sooooo cool!

Sigh. Gimme a freakin' break...

A disgruntled former fan of The X-Files speaks out:

When I feel myself beginning to enjoy life, I sometimes get over it by heating a pair of vice-grips until they are white hot, which I then pick up with my bare hands and use to pull out my teeth, one by one.

Other times, I smear myself with super-glue, then slip between a container ship and the wharf it's tied-up to, and wait for it to sail.

One time, I used an industrial staplegun to attach raw chicken livers to my breasts, then threw myself into a pit full of starving Rottweilers. I would have done it again, only the ASPCA took out that court order...

I remember the time that I suspended myself from a 100,000 volt power line with razor wire and slowly lowered myself into a vat of sulphuric acid. Man, what a day that was!

Most interestingly, there's this one TV show which I think is really crappy now, compared to how it used to be, and so I make a point of watching it religiously. Not only that, I even record it, then frame-by-frame through it, looking for mistakes and continuity errors, or anything that I can claim is bad, because it makes me feel like some kind of bigshot.

The best thing about doing these things is that I get to endlessly whine to other people about how bad it all is. Unfortunately, for some reason they seldom ever sympathize, and often suggest therapy. One clown even claimed that I should stop doing it! What a moron! How the hell can I bore people if I do that...?

Creator of seminal television shows such as The X-Files spoke with us from his vacation home in Costa Rica:

DS: "Hello Chris, how's it going?"

CC: "Geat Dana, how about you?"

DS: "I'm fine. So, what are you up to these days?"

CC: "Well, I just finished watching some guys paint my boat, and now I'm about to watch a guy mow my lawn, and right after that I'm going to have another nap in this hammock."

DS: "Sounds harsh. Anything new?"

CC: "Not really. The houseboy told my accountant to stop calling and just fax me the numbers for syndication."

DS: "This is the number of stations showing your reruns?"

CC: "Hell no, I mean the amount of money I made this month for lying in the sun here and drinking Pina Coladas!"

DS: "Damn! Sounds like you are really broken-up about The X-Files ending!"

CC: "Pfft, yeah, dying!"

DS: "What have you to say to the critics of the show?"

CC: "Nothing. They're losers. Who's got time, ya know?"

DS: "OK, well, how much longer will you be lying in that hammock before you decide to make another show?"

CC: "Oh, I dunno, maybe another year. It's really comfortable! Only cost me $50 from some discount guy down here! But me and Dori are planning to take another tour of Europe later. She wants to watch them build her new Ferrari. I told her it would take ages, but she doesn't seem to mind. Whatever."

DS: "What do you think your next show will be about?"

CC: "Mmm, haven't really thought about it - hang on Dana, the delivery guys are here with my new Steinway - OK, sorry, just had to tell them where to put it. Uh, what were we saying?"

DS: "Your new show."

CC: "Oh, yeah, right. I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it, what with consulting with the architect about the renovations to my chateau outside of Zurich, but I'm thinking it'll probably be some SFX-type deal. Or maybe not."

DS: "Well, thanks for your time Chris, and I guess I'll be seeing you next time we're in Paris."

CC: "Hey, you bet!"

Diana Fowley receives a letter from Chris Carter:

Dear Diana,

how are you? Sorry I haven't written lately, but things have been pretty hectic at the office recently.

You might be interested to know that I took your advice and visited some fan sites. Wow! I had no idea there were so many! When all those hysterical fans at the conventions kept insisting that I visit their personal webpage, well, I thought it was just the same person coming back over and over again. Hey, those people all look the damn same, you know how it is!

Needless to say that everybody here at Ten Thirteen Productions was shocked by what we saw. We hadn't realise we'd gone so wrong! My God! If only we'd known.

As a result, we've decided to repair the damage and do all those things that the show's most ardent fans demand.

1) David is back. It took a lot of pleading as well as that guy with the rifle, but Fox Mulder is back for good. He's trussed-up in a box right now, but don't worry, he can't hurt himself, as the affects of the tranquilizers haven't worn off yet. Our lawyers are preparing the divorce papers, and once we've forged his signature, we'll have them served on Tea. I believe David was getting bored with the monotonous LA sunshine anyway, which is just as well, since...

2)...we're moving the show back to Vancouver! Yup, that's right, rain rain rain! All that bitching about the new look being "unacceptable" really hit home, so we've decided to fire the crew here in LA. Screw the Teamsters! Hey, at least we didn't do it to them before Christmas, right? Speaking of firing,...

3)...our friends Gish and Patrick are history! Yup, no more Doggett and Reyes! According to those experts on the fansites, everybody on the planet hates the characters and wants them to die horribly. Man, I had no idea that the whole World watched the show. That's so nice. Anyhow, our lawyers say that we'll have no problems regarding the blatant breach of contract that this will entail, and I'm sure that Annabeth and Robert won't care anyway. And the stories were never quite the same with them around, so...

4)...we're dusting off the top episode, as voted by the experts on the fansites, and will just remake that continuously. Our writers are thrilled! They're already organizing a mini-golf tournament, now that they are going to have such a lot of spare time on their hands! They don't even have to think up ways to explain the disappearance of MR and JD, or the reappearance of all those characters that we'd previously killed off. This is helped by another idea we have, which is...

5)...to hire the CIA, NSA, FBI and KGB, contracting them to visit every single person who has ever watched the show and erase their memories. I know, I know, it's a big task, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Actually, some of the folks here wanted to kill the fans instead, but I managed to talk them out of it, and...uh...say, has anybody seen Vince...?

Well, anyway, as you can see, we have a big job ahead of us, but we are sure it'll be worth the effort. We're all very grateful to our fans for telling us how to do our jobs properly, and I don't know how I can ever repay you for your suggestion, other than to let you know that you're back on the show. Unfortunately, it'll be a one time thing: the fans want to see you killed. Their wish is my command.

Regards,

Chris!

One of the Forum's problem fans finally has his day:

Frank: "Heya Chris."

Chris: "Hey."

Frank: "Got those notes for the meeting?"

Chris: "Mmm...notes?"

Frank: "The notes! For the pre-shoot! You said you'd...are you even listening to me?"

Chris: "Huh?"

Frank: "Hello? Earth to Chris!"

Chris: "In a minute."

Frank: "Oh, you're not on those show forums again, are you? Please tell me you're not!"

Chris: "That bitch!"

Frank: "What?"

Chris: "You know what she called me? 'Vapid!' - can you fucking believe that?"

Frank: "Oh for...come on, man! They're waiting for us!"

Chris: "Yeah, OK, just a second..."

Frank: "I can't believe you even bother! They're just stupid kids!"

Chris: "Yeah, in a minute..."

Frank: "You're unbelievable!"

Chris: "Hah! That'll get 'em going!"

Frank: "What?"

Chris: "Uh...? Oh, I'm posting as 'DFOWLEY' and I just called 'Die Fowley, Die' a no-life virgin! Hehehee..."

Frank: "Oh, man! This is ridiculous! Let's go!"

Chris: "Yeah...OK...in a second..."

Frank: "I'm gonna tell the guys that you chat to little girls on the web!"

Chris: "Uhuh...no! That's amazing! I don't believe it!"

Frank: "Me?"

Chris: "No! This uberfan, Jeremy, who uses the name 'DWAYNE 101' just posted the most amazingly insightful comment about the show I've ever seen!"

Frank: "Where?"

Chris: "This one!"

Frank: "Wow! The guy's incredible! Mind-blowing! He knows all the secret answers to everything!"

Chris: "Phenomenal! I'm going to reveal myself and tell everybody how impressed I am by Jeremy's astounding grasp of the quasi-mystical pathos inherent within the structure of the show!"

Frank: "I can't wait to meet him! I bet he's a real hunk!"

Chris: "Hey, I know - let's do lunch! I'll call him now!"

Frank: "Brilliant! Let's give him a job!"

Chris: "Yeah! Let's give him my job!"

Gillian: "What's going on?"

Frank: "You just have to read this!"

Gillian: "Read what?"

Chris: "This message, right here!"

Gillian: "Why should...oh my God! Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD! That's it, I'm going to have sex with this guy right now!"

David: "Me too! I hate this fucking show, but this guy is so talented that I want to have his babies!"

Laurie: "Let's all have his babies!"

Mimi: "Me first!"

Erkle: "Hey, I have a rhinoceros growing out of my left eye!"

At this point, Jeremy awakens and proceeds to take his para-masturbatory fantasies to their inevitable conclusion...

Fear And Loathing In Muncie IA:

A little after 10PM one Sunday in November, suburban housewife Mary-Allen Hofstetter of Muncie, Indiana, began to argue with husband Boyd. That dispute, centered upon an episode of FOX Broadcasting Company's cult television show The X-Files which had just ended minutes before, brought mankind closer to extermination than at any time ever before in it's history.

Tearfully, Mary-Allen explained just how close mankind came to utter extinction, that fateful evening.

"It was so awful! He said that Agent Scully had a nice ass and he couldn't figure out why Agent Mulder didn't want to jump her bones," said a sobbing Mary-Allen, "so I patiently tried to explain - yet again - the beautiful nature of their relationship, but Boyd just turned around and said that Mulder must be some kind of fag! I don't know why I waste my time trying to make him understand the motivations of civilized people. He drives a tow-truck - like he'd get it!"

"What? Just because I haul wrecked cars from out of the canal, that makes me shallow?" responded Boyd, from his Muncie Municipal Medical Center bed. "She called me a fucking pig, just because of what I said about that Mulder guy! Come on! He's gotta be a homo! He never seems to get a damn fuck-!"

"Oh, and you're the one who'd rather go bowling with your idiot friends than curl-up and watch the show with me!" a visibly emotional Mary-Allen interjected. "Sometimes I think maybe you're a queer! When did that useless bum Wally Grazzo ever have a girlfriend, huh? Answer me that, Mr Macho!"

"See? See the kind of fucking shit I have to put up with?" an aggrieved Boyd asked plaintively. "I work ten fucking hours per, and what do I get? Oh Boyd, why can't you express yourself like Mulder? Oh Boyd, why don't you open up to me like Mulder? Oh Boyd, why can't we bond like Mulder and Scully? Jezuss H. fucking Kerist! Who'd you think you married, Alan Alda? Tell them what you did to me!"

"So I hit you with the frying pan? Big deal!" screamed Mary-Allen. "Like you've never done worse all by yourself!"

"And? AND? Tell them what else, you stupid bitch!" retorted Boyd angrily. "Tell them how you set me on fire! That was my favorite Goddam shirt!"

"Oh, your brain is too small to feel pain! What about the time you drank that whole keg at Mikey's wedding reception and tried to drill a hole in your forehead!" shrieked Mary-Allen angrily. "How am I ever supposed to live that down! You got blood all over Julie's wedding dress! That was her Grandmother's dress! The para-medics called me 'Mrs Bozo'!"

"That was a one-time thing!" exclaimed Boyd, wincing from the pain of his injuries. "And I won $100 because of that, which I notice you spent pretty fucking happily! Twenty years! Twenty goddam years we been married, and have I ever so much as raised a hand at you? No, not a goddam once!"

"Oh, well, aren't you Mr Sensitive! How about the time you glued that pointy black hat and broomstick on my mother's headstone! That was supposed to be funny?" Mary-Allen cried.

"It was for Halloween!" shouted Boyd.

"It was APRIL!" Mary-Allen shouted back. "I married a freaking Tulpa!"

"I'm a Shriner!" said Boyd, heatedly. "Twenty years, and you can't remember even that?"

"Why do I even bother?" sighed Mary-Allen unhappily. "We've watched the show together for eight years, and you don't even know what a Tulpa is?"

"There she goes with that damn Mulder shit again!" yelled Boyd, equally unhappily. "It's a fucking television show, for chrissakes!"

"How dare you? How DARE you?" gasped Mary-Allen, leaping to her feet. "I thought you knew...I want a divorce!"

"Uh?" a mystified Boyd exclaimed. "You must be the stupidest broad that ever walked the Earth! I married Jethro Clampett in drag and didn't even know it!"

"I think you'd rather be married to a man!" shrieked Mary-Allen. "You could have had your honeymoon at Bowl-A-Rama! I'm sure you'd have been very happy together!"

"Oh yeah? well at least I wouldn't have had to put up with twenty goddam years of PMS!" howled Boyd, as he struggled with the orderlies. "Jethro Clampett wouldn't have locked me in the basement and set the house on fire just because of a fucking TV Show!"

Tomorrow night, we investigate further and idscover how this simple domestic dispute escalated into a world-wide nuclear incident.

This Just In:

As possibly the first sign of official recognition of what many consider to be the precarious state of the nation's mental health, United States President George W. Bush has signed an aid package worth almost $11 billion, to be used to treat and rehabilitate sufferers of The X-Files syndrome, an illness afflicting and affecting millions in the United States and around the world.

The U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy G. Thompson announced the assistance package today to a standing ovation of mental health workers.

"It's been a long time coming, and we acknowledge the obvious fact that it's well overdue. It's common knowledge that my own wife suffers from TXF, and I know how horrendously debilitating this disease is, in all it's forms." Thompson commented afterwards.

TXF Syndrome manifests itself in a variety of ways, with symptoms ranging from incessant weeping, the sufferer rambling constantly about "the MSR", through to abrupt violent episodes involving hysterical behavior, and death threats against individuals who might in any way be connected to The X-Files television show.

At present, the only effective treatment for TXF sufferers has been permanent confinement within the nation's overstretched mental institutions, with many of the severest cases eventually being euthanized. However, the latest injection of desperately needed funds should stimulate new forms of treatment, many health professionals predict.

All over the planet, every day, most television shows happily go about their business secure in the knowledge that they and their loved-ones are healthy and secure, with barely a worry in the world. The truth would shock them. The deadly truth that is The Killer Fans.

A little after 10PM one freezing Sunday night in November, well-known television show The X-Files turned out the lights and donned its coat for the short walk from the office to it's waiting car, a trip it had made every Sunday night for many years. It had no way of knowing that this was to be the last time it would ever make that journey.

The X-Files was like a lot of TV shows: attractive, friendly, intelligent and loved by many. Today, family, friends, even the police remain stunned by the ferocity of the attack that occurred that fateful night.

In the cold, dark spaces of the internet, they were waiting. Faceless, nameless psychopaths, with only one thing on their minds - brutal, bloody vengeance! Veangence for a wrong that only they could see or feel, a perceived wrong that has investigating authorities mystified.

As the doomed television show strolled obliviously through the building, innocently unaware of the storm of death approaching, these lethal menaces struck!

Neighbors talk about the horror that unfolded...

Ally McBeal: "I had just closed my curtains when I heard the most awful shrieking sound! It was as if Hell had opened up and its demons were coming for us all!

FOX: "What did you do?"

Ally McBeal: "It was terrible, terrible! I didn't know what to do! I was too scared to even look out the windows, the sound was just...nightmarish...the howls, I think they were disembowelling the poor...Oh God..."

FOX: "That's OK, take your time."

Ally McBeal: "Sob! I'm sorry. It's just...Oh...and they kept tearing at it and tearing and all the while screaming something about an MSR or something..."

FOX: "What did they look like, the attackers?"

Ally McBeal: "Horrible! Awful creatures! Screwed up, pinched faces, all purple and their veins were all sticking out...and...sob...! I finally thought to do something and I called 911, but it was just too late...sob!"

Others witnessed the horrific events of that evening.

The Simpsons: "Man, it was the worst I've ever seen! I mean, I got attacked once, you know? It was just the same then too, the accusations of sloppy writing and stuff! Just the same! I thought I'd never see that ever again. At least, I hoped I wouldn't. I was luckier, I survived. Poor The X-Files, didn't stand a chance. God, the blood was everywhere!"

FOX: "Did you try to help The X-Files?"

The Simpsons: "What could I do? I really wanted to, I did, but...they're just too terrible! Once they decide to target you, it's all over. I mean, they're nuts already, you know, and once they've decided to do it, there's just no stopping it. If I'd gotten involved, I probably wouldn't be here. Not even the FCC could have done anything!"

But not everybody agrees. We asked Detective Rich Grope of the Los Angeles County Sherriff's Department for comment.

Det. Grope: "Look, I sympathise, you know? It was a terrible thing, but it didn't have to happen. These television shows, shows like The X-Files, they just roll over and die without a fight."

FOX: "But don't the police tell the public to comply with assailant's demands, not resist?"

Det. Grope: "That's a different situation! This is a fight to the death, not a mugging. The X-Files was a big strong show, and yet it allowed itself to be gutted by a bunch of little girls and gay film students! If it had stood-up for itself, come out punching, they'd have scattered. They'd probably be chasing Dawson's Creek up a tree right now, or calling Roswell names. Instead, a wonderful show is now just a chalk-mark on the sidewalk."

FOX: "So what advice do you have for TV shows if they're ever in this situation?"

Det. Grope: "I'd say "kill the bastards"! Forget about kowtowing and hoping they leave you alone! Kick 'em in the balls, or whatever! They're just idiots anyway! They do it for the attention!"

Surprisingly, he's not alone in this belief. We asked renowned Forensic psychologist Dr. A. Shrink to comment:

Dr. Shrink: "Yes, yes, he's quite right. It is a manifestation of severe, almost pathological insecurity, an emptiness in their own lives, and a desire to be noticed by their victims."

FOX: "Can you explain what you mean by the last part, Doctor?"

Dr. Shrink: "Well, usually, the television shows they attack are the very shows they desire to be a part of! By attacking them in public internet places, they secretly hope to be noticed by television shows and invited to join them in whatever it is that television shows do. It's quite sad, when you think about it."

FOX: "Thank you Doctor."

Tonight, television shows are just a little less naive. They are asking, "could it ever happen to me?". It's a good question, and the answer is most definitely "yes". But the fact is, life is a dangerous place. All any of us can do is keep on living, and hope that we are someplace, anyplace, else - When Fans Attack.

Goodnight, and be safe.

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

duane_barry@altavista.net