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Ode To A John Doe

Frank: "We went to Tahiti last year. That was really nice."

Rob: "Oh yeah, Tahiti is great!"

Frank: "I didn't know you'd been to Tahiti."

Rob: "Oh, man, twice! I love it. Kick out the French and it'd be perfect!"

Kim: "Well, I still like Palm Springs."

John: "That's because you're old, Manners. Old people go to Palm Springs."

Kim: "That's Palm Beach, you dolt!"

John: "Beach, Springs...it's all water."

Kim: "Wha...were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?"

Frank: "I wonder if anybody has ever attempted to derive a direct correlation between the elderly and places with Palm in their names."

Vince: "Palm is an anagram of lamp."

Rob: "Ha. Ha. Ha. You kill me, Vince. Maybe coconuts are Alien Bounty Hunter eggs. Sheesh."

John: "Well, I still say Palm Springs is for old farts. Like Kim."

Kim: "Palm Beach is for old farts! Goddam, you're an idiot, sometimes!"

John: "Well, like I said, beach, springs..."

Kim: "Palm Beach is in Florida! It's about 50,000 miles away from Palm Springs! Jezuss!"

John: "Whatever! Why would you vacation in a place like Palm Springs, anyway? It's a dump."

Kim: "It is not a dump! It's a fine place! I've been vacationing there since I was a kid, OK? Where do you go, Paris?"

John: "Aspen, actually."

Kim: "Oh, jeez, I should have known!"

Vince: "Aspen! God...!"

John: "Oh, Mr No Life speaks out! You take your vacations in the commissary, Gilligan!"

Vince: "Screw you, I went to New Zealand!"

Frank: "New what?"

John: "Isn't that in Holland, or someplace?"

Kim: "You go to Holland? You got family there?"

Vince: "New Zealand! It's a country!"

Kim: "Yeah, in Europe. What's your point?"

Vince: "That's Zeeland, Geography King! Zeeland isn't a country!"

Rob: "You just said it was!"

Frank: "It's no wonder the show is so inconsistent."

Vince: "No! New Zealand is a country in the South Pacific!"

John: "You mean Fiji?"

Vince: "What? If I meant Fiji, why would I have said New Zealand? That's like saying that Aspen is Denver! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Frank: "Well, it sounds like a groin infection to me."

Vince: "So what the hell would you know? It's a great place!"

Kim: "So, do you speak Dutch?"

Vince: "Why would I speak Dutch? I don't go to Holland! New Zealand is not Dutch!"

John: "So, do you speak New Zealandish?"

Vince: "They speak English! Better than you!"

Rob: "I guess, what, they have those missionaries and stuff there? Or else, where did they learn English?"

Vince: "From fortune cookies! Where do you think they learned it? They went to school, for chrissakes, unlike you!"

Rob: "Hey, I went to school!"

Frank: "But what do they normally speak?"

Vince: "English! Jezuss! It's almost part of Australia. Ever hear of a place called Australia? They speak English there, too."

Frank: "Yeah, only just! I've been to Australia! It was nothing like Crocodile Dundee."

John: "Really?"

Frank: "Yeah, it was kind of like England, only with sunshine and weirder accents. FOX have a Lot there."

Rob: "So do Warners."

Vince: "You guys are fuckwits."

Frank: "So what the hell is in this New Whatever place? It's a long way to go just to speak English with the natives."

Vince: "Forget it."

Rob: "Nah, come on Vinnie, don't be like that! What's it like?"

Vince: "It's a beautiful place. Totally wasted on schmucks like you."

Frank: "Is it like Tahiti?"

Vince: "No! Well, OK, some parts are. It's much bigger than Tahiti. It's about the size of California but only has about 3 million people or something. Mountains and snow and lakes and stuff. Some really nice beaches."

Kim: "Sounds like Palm Springs."

Rob: "There are no fucking beaches at Palm Springs!"

Kim: "So, I was half right. Sue me."

[Then]

Chris: "What are you guys doing?"

John: "Working! Why aren't you?"

Chris: "Fuck yourself, Shiban! What are we doing with that script?"

Frank: "Is this a riddle? I love riddles!"

John: "Hey, a man walks into a bar and pulls a script out of his pocket-"

Chris: "Yeah, yeah, funny. Any ideas yet?"

John: "Nah, Vince kept interrupting us with his Dutch vacation stories."

Vince: "Fuck you-"

Chris: "Jezuss, Vince, we don't have time for fucking clogs and windmills! Come up with something!"

Vince: "But-!"

Chris: "Look, we need something, right now! I don't care how bad it is! Anything!"

Frank: "Where do you take your vacations?"

Chris: "Huh?"

Rob: "We want to know where you take your vacations."

Chris: "Why?"

John: "Why not?"

Chris: "Look, you guys, this script thing is kind of urgent-!"

Frank: "Come on, Carter! Hawaii?"

Chris: "Uh, no, Dori and I normally go to Mexico."

Vince: "Mexico? Why?"

Chris: "Some traditional family thing, or something. Jeez, I don't know! I can't remember. Just give me a damn story idea before you leave, OK?"

[He storms out]

Frank: "Well, I got nothing, how about you guys...?"

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

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