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Secrets And Lies

Meanwhile, in an office at Ten Thirteen Productions...

John: "Is existentialism spelt with an s or a z?"

Vince: "Gee, I usually use a whole bunch more letters than that..."

Kim: "Bwarharhar! Good one!"

Rob: "Uh, duuuhhhh, my name is John Shiban...!"

Chris: "Hahahar!"

John: "Oh, yeah, laugh it up, Carter! Just don't expect to sleep on my couch when FOX pull the plug."

Frank: "Nah, we've already got rooms reserved at the Y'..."

John: "So anyhow, Marx brothers, is it s or z?"

Kim: "Fuck, UCLA really outdid itself with you, huh?"

Frank: "Hey, I went to UCLA!"

Kim: "And, your point is?"

John: "Shuttup, Manners! What are you even doing here, anyhow?"

Kim: "Somebody has to laugh at you."

Vince: "You get all the dirty jobs, huh?"

Chris: "What the hell are you using existentialism for, anyway? I hope you aren't planning on getting all deep and shit with that script!"

John: "What's wrong with deep? I like deep! Better than some of the totally dumbass trash we've been seeing lately..."

Vince: "How can you try and use a word like that if you can't even spell it? People will see right through phoney shit like that."

John: "What, just because I'm unsure of a fucking letter combination, you think I don't know what the damn word means? What kind of airhead Tisch shit is that?"

Vince: "Fuck you, NYU rules!"

John: "Oh, New York, oh, wow! So, what, don't tell me, you majored in hot-dog vending? Wait, I've got it, it was cab-driving!"

Rob: "Hahahaharr!"

Kim: "Boy, you guys are just a walking fucking commercial for higher education-!"

John: "Hey, screw you, Manners! How do you spell it, if you're so goddam smart?"

Kim: "I don't! What kind of a freak uses the word existentialism?"

Rob: "Not me! Sounds like some kind of fag word."

Frank: "How many times you used that one now, Chris?"

Chris: "What-?"

[Then]

Mitch: "So what are you guys arguing about this time?"

Vince: "Shiban doesn't know what existentialism means."

John: "Bullshit, Gilligan! I bet I can give a better definition of it that you ever could!"

Mitch: "Who the hell would ever use that word, anyway?"

Kim: "Thank you."

John: "Gimme a fucking break, Pileggi! You went to varsity in Texas, for chrissakes!"

Mitch: "What? You think I spent my time breaking-in horses, or something?"

Rob: "Hey, you could race Vinnie in his cab!"

Vince: "And interrupt his cattle-rustling down at Dry Gulch? No way!"

Kim: "Mitch Pileggi: Texas Ranger!"

[John throws his pen at Kim]

Chris: "This sure beats working, huh?"

Frank: "Yeah, and to think of all the time I wasted watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Mitch: "Existentialism is a philosophy which attempts to apply logic and order to randomness and chaos, it's principal premise being that human beings are self-aware and capable of defining themselves through the way they live their lives. Kind of."

[No pin dropped]

Kim: "Fuck me...!"

Chris: "You been reading Kierkegaard again, Mitch?"

Mitch: "How come I get such shitty lines all the damn time?"

Vince: "What?"

Mitch: "That's why I came down here! I'm sick of the crap Skinner has to say! If I have to warn anyone to watch their back one more fucking time...!"

Chris: "Uh..."

Mitch: "What the hell have you got for me now, huh? Where's Agent Scully?, Where's Agent Doggett?. Bo Peep lost her fucking sheep less than I lose agents! For the love of Christ, gimme something good for a change, will ya?"

Frank: "Well, hey, John's writing all the meaningful stuff right now, why don't you take a look?"

John: "No! Wait, this isn't-!"

[Mitch snatches the notepad out of John's hands and begins reading]

John: "Gimme that back!"

Mitch: "What the fuck...?"

Rob: "What?"

Mitch: "So, is Mulder coming back, or what?"

Chris: "What do you mean?"

Mitch: "Well, it says here that..."

John: "Gimme that the hell back, fuck ya!"

[Mitch brushes him away]

Mitch: "What the fuck? This is fanfic!"

Vince: "What?"

John: "Shuttup! Don't listen to him! He's talking shit!"

Frank: Let me see that!"

[They crowd around and read]

Kim: "She reached out to her beloved Mulder, but he wasn't really there. Her long-unfulfilled womanly desires struggled desperately with the-"

[John leaps at them and grabs at the notebook, but is shoved aside]

Rob: "This is shipper fanfic! You write fucking shipper fanfic? What are you, gay?"

Chris: "Now I've seen it all!"

Frank: "Man, I always thought that Carter would turn out to be the closet shipper!"

Chris: "What are you talking about? Get the fuck out of here!"

Kim: "Well, you have to admit, some of those episodes from Season seven..."

Chris: "Oh, the hell with you!"

Frank: "My God! Oh my GOD!"

Kim: "What? What?"

Frank: "Look!"

Rob: "Misty Starchild! You're Misty Starchild? Shiban is MISTY STARCHILD!"

John: "You guys really suck! You've just totally violated my rights! That shit is private!"

Mitch: "Who the hell is Misty Starchild?"

Kim: "What, are you shitting me? You've never heard of Misty Starchild? She's the most idiotic, sappy shipper of them all! Or he is."

Chris: "God, those shipper fanfic sites are full of her stuff! His stuff. Your teeth dissolve just reading the shit!"

Vince: "Isn't she the one that calls for you to be drowned and stuff?"

[They turn and look at John]

John: "What? WHAT? That's bullshit, man! That's somebody else! Lots of people say that shit!"

Rob: "Well, he has a point..."

Chris: "No way! Misty-Fucking-Starchild riles up all the other shippers on those stupid schoolgirl messageboards! I get more fucking hatemail because of her - I mean him - than for any other reason! How fucking existential is that?"

[The silence is deafening]

Frank: "So, what do you think we oughta do?"

Chris: "GET HIM!"

[Shiban flees like a rabbit with a death-sentence, the others at his heels. A nearby office worker watches as the men sprint across the street outside and disappear from view behind buildings. She turns back to her work, shaking her head sadly. Fucking LA...]

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

duane_barry@altavista.net