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This Just In

Frank: "Hey, Chris, did you know that you're dead again?"

Chris: "Huh?"

Frank: "On the forum. Somebody just posted the announcement."

Vince: "What, that must be three times in two years?"

Chris: "More like four times."

Rob: "So, what are you, a cat?"

Kim: "Wishful thinking."

Rob: "You think I wish he was a cat?"

Kim: "No! These guys saying that Chris is dead. That's wishful thinking."

Chris: "Wow, gee, thanks, Manners!"

Kim: "Hey, I didn't write it! I don't wish you were dead! Well, not right now, anyway..."

Frank: "Nah, not until after Sweeps."

Vince: *snork*

Chris: "So, whose wishful thinking is it? The fans?"

John: "Of course! You didn't let Mulder and Scully get married and live happily ever after!"

Frank: "Don't you go to the shipper sites?"

Chris: "God, who does?"

John: "About a million fifteen year old girls, that's who."

Rob: "And Shiban, obviously."

John: "Fuck you."

Vince: "You'll never find a girlfriend there, John, they're way too classy for you."

John: "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Frank: "So, what do they say at these sites?"

Chris: "For Christ's sakes, who cares?"

Vince: "Hey, I'm interested!"

Chris: "Can somebody please explain to me just why the hell we should waste our goddam time listening to the fans? You know it just gets us in the shit!"

John: "How can listening to the fans get us in the shit? I think maybe we should listen to them more!"

Rob: "You're a fucking retard, Shiban! How long have you been doing this?"

John: "Long enough to know, Mr Bowman, that we ignore the fans at our peril! That's how fucking long!"

Frank: "You're wrong. We can ignore the fans. We have to concentrate on the viewers, not the fans."

John: "What the hell is that bunch of horseshit supposed to mean?"

Chris: "He's asking you if we've ever been able to please the fans. And the answer is no. Never."

Vince: "Oh, I don't know-"

Chris: "Come on, Vince! Either we're too shippy or we're a pack of loveless noromos. If Mulder so much as looks at Scully for longer than a fucking microsecond, we get hate-mail from people claiming we've turned the show into Love, The X-Files Style, but if we don't have them humping in every damn episode, the Internet is flooded with raving spinsters, bitching their asses off!"

John: "Oh, what crap!"

Rob: "It's true! Jeezuss, Shiban, how can you not recognize that?"

Frank: "Casual viewers are at least as important statistically as fans! We keep them happy, we're OK. If we get into some dumbass gotta please the loud-mouths-type spiral, we're fucked!"

John: "So what constitutes a fan? Couldn't you argue that anybody who makes a point of watching the show is, therefore, a fan? If that's the case, then they're not a casual viewer."

Chris: "What? Run that by me again?"

John: "Well, look! A casual viewer is somebody who flips through the channels and lands on The X-Files and decides to watch it. But next week they might watch something else. A fan, on the other hand, makes sure that they see the show that night. Ipso facto, they are an important demographic."

Rob: "What a bunch of crap..."

Vince: "Why? It's true. I'd say the fans make up the main numbers, at least as far as John's argument goes."

John: "Thank you, Mr Gilligan."

Vince: "You're most welcome, Mr Shiban."

Rob: "John's argument is monkey shit."

John: "It's not! You just have to look at-"

Chris: "Look! We will never, ever be able to please them! Not ever! They will always bitch about something! I say fuck 'em, and just make the damn show as we please!"

Rob: "They want Mulder back. That's the only way to please them."

Chris: "Oh, for the love of God. They can't have him back! He's gone! We didn't fucking drown him in a bathtub or something! Duchovny walked, and that's fucking that! Fuck! They don't like Doggett, they don't like Reyes, they don't like Kersh, they don't like Follmer-"

Rob: "No, they only like Mulder and Scully-"

Chris: "Tough! Christ, they're gonna shriek like Banshees when Gillian finally leaves! Maybe they want us to recast? Can you imagine the howls of outrage, if we did that? Maybe I should call Jon Stewart and see if he wants to play Mulder! I say screw them. If they don't like it, they should just watch their Survivor tapes! Fucking pack of losers!"

Frank: "No wonder they want you dead."

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

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