Wait Until Spring, Spotnitz!

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Wait Until Spring, Spotnitz

Early one afternoon, back at Ten Thirteen Productions...

Chris: "What's going on?"

Rob: "Frank's barricaded himself in his office again."

Chris: "Oh, now what?"

Vince: "Come on Frank! I'll give you my Buffy DVDs."

Kim: "What are you, nuts? You wouldn't even sell me those last week!"

Vince: "As if! Relax!"

Frank: "I already have all the Buffy DVDs! Jeezuss! You guys never listen to me!"

Rob: "Sure we do Frank! Hell, we're listening to you right now, whining like a fucking little girl!"

John: "Oh, way to go, Bowman, now we'll have to use fucking tear-gas to get him out of there."

Rob: "So do it! Oh, fuck this! I'm gonna go play Wolfenstein!"

Frank: "You're not even supposed to be here, Bowman! Why don't you go do some work or something? For a change!"

Rob: "Hey, fuck you, Frank! Stop telling me what to do, alright?"

Frank: "Oh, God forbid! I'm only the boss! You guys never do what I tell you to do!"

Kim: "You're not the boss! You're just the President!"

Frank: "So? You're not the President! You have to do what I say!"

Rob: "Fuck me...that's just a goddam legal deal! Somebody had to get the job, and none of us were dumb enough to take it! It doesn't make you our fucking boss!"

Frank: "I'm President of Ten Thirteen Productions, you're not. That means I'm in charge. How come you guys don't respect me and you never listen to a fucking word I ever say!"

Vince: "Now, that's not true, Frank. We always listen, and we, uh, respect you as an executive and as, erm, a man."

Frank: "Bullshit!"

Chris: "No, it's true! We love having you in charge around here! I mean, if we had a real boss, we'd actually have to do some work!"

[They all giggle]

Frank: "See! See! That's just the kind of Mickey Mouse shit I'm talking about!"

John: "Oh, come on, Frank, this is bullshit!"

Frank: "Fuck you, Shiban! Stupid loser!"

Rob: "Just ignore the prick!"

John: "Hey, fuck that, I need to use his stapler!"

Rob: "So use a paperclip, for chrissakes!"

John: "Oh, yeah, great idea Bowman, why don't I just throw the damn script out the window?"

Vince: "You'd be doing the world a favor, John..."

John: "Up yours, Vinnie! Won any writing awards lately?"

Vince: "Have you?"

Chris: "Oh, knock it off! Maybe if you guys actually did some more work around here, we might start getting awards again! Christ, if I hear one more time-"

Frank: "Hello! I'm barricaded in my office, here! Jeezuss...!"

Kim: "So what do you want, Frank? I've got a dentist's appointment in 45 minutes!"

Frank: "What...? I want you to start taking me seriously, for one thing!"

Kim: "Fine. We take you seriously now. Can I use your stapler, please?"

Frank: "Ulterior motives!"

Vince: "What?"

Frank: "Ulterior fucking motives! You guys just use me!"

Rob: "For what? You're fucking useless! The dead bugs in my lampshade do more than you! Fucking ulterior fucking motives!"

Chris: "Look, Frank-"

Frank: "And stop making fun of my documentary!"

John: "What, you mean The Life of John Fante: Just Who the Fuck is He Anyhow?"

[They all giggle again]

Frank: "Hey, it's called John Fante: A Life! At least he had a life, Shiban!"

Rob: "Well, that's more than you can say for your fucking documentary!"

[More giggling. John high-fives Rob]

Frank: "Fuck you, Bowman! My documentary is doing fine! How's The Lone Gunmen coming along? Fuck you."

Rob: "Oh, and you had nothing to do with that, right? If you hadn't fucking wasted all that-"

Frank: "Oh, so all of a sudden I'm Mr Responsible for Everything! John Fante says go fuck yourself! Did you know that he dictated his last book because he went blind from diabetes?"

Rob: "Yeah, well, it ain't diabetes that's making you blind!

[They giggle]

Frank: "You're a total no-talent, Bowman! John Fante gave the world more meaning, with more eloquence, with each word that he wrote than you have in your entire fucking career! I bet you can't even spell eloquence!"

Rob: "I can spell asshole-!"

Chris: "OK, OK, enough already! Jezuss, it's like working in a fucking crèche! Look, Frank, come on out, and I'll buy you a cup of coffee. We have to go see the damn Network in two hours. I don't need this shit!"

Frank: "It's not shit! I'm tired of you guys! You suck!"

Rob: "That's it, I'm outta here."

Vince: "Me too. Absolutely out."

[They wander off down the hallway. Then...]

Gillian: "Hey guys, what's going on?"

John: "Frank's having another tantrum."

Frank: "Hi Gillian...!"

Gillian: "Uh, Hi Frank. Whatcha doing...?"

Frank: "Nothing. These guys suck."

Gillian: "Oh. Hmm."

Frank: "What are you doing?"

Gillian: "Um, well, Robert, Annabeth and I are going to have lunch with some friends. Do you want to come along?"

Frank: "Maybe. What friends?"

Robert: "Is he often like this?"

John: "Nah, just when he's tired."

Robert: "Oh."

Gillian: "Well, Jeri Ryan will be there."

Frank: "Who's Jeri Ryan?"

Annabeth: "She plays Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Voyager".

[Total silence descends]

Vince: "Are you serious?"

Annabeth: "Sure, we're old friends."

[Loud banging and scraping sounds emanate from within Frank's office. The door jerks open, and he leaps out]

Frank: "OK, hell, why not? Sounds like fun. Coming Chris?"

Chris: "Uh, we have that meeting..."

John: "Chris, read my lips: Seven of Nine..."

Vince: "...Seven of Nine!"

Chris: "Fuck it, fuck the Network! I was going to get a cup of coffee anyhow!"

Robert: "So, what, you're all coming? What is this, a staff meeting?"

Frank: "Hey, shuttup, Bob! We're entitled to a break occasionally!"

Kim: "Yeah, we don't all have cushy jobs like you."

Chris: "Fucking actors! No idea...!"

Gillian: "Hey!"

Annabeth: "So maybe you guys should have lunch with somebody else!"

Frank: "Fuck that - it's Seven of Nine, for chrissakes!

Vince: "Actually, I've been thinking about writing her a part on the show for a while now."

Gillian: "Uhuh. Which part of her...?"

Frank: "Do you think she'll give me her autograph?"

[The door closes slowly behind them. At last, peace and quiet returns to the offices of Ten Thirteen Productions...]

2002

duane_barry@altavista.net

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