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Employment
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Partner(s) Required: Needed to contribute work and share running costs for a new-concept website devoted to trashing The X-Files television show. Whilst we shall commit a significant amount of our time and energy to web-publishing snide comments and derogatory statements about the cast, crew and storylines of the show, we shall also remain committed to our principal goal of being invited to tour the sets and rub shoulders with the cast and crew of The X-Files. Intelligent people and non-hypocrits need not apply. Email: need_a_boyfriend@dramaqueens.com
Retarded Hack Seeks Work: Prefer big budget and/or prestigous televison show, but will consider one-off movie screenplays or even Pilots. Credits include Dead Cats Don't Meow, Beast Master 9, Star Trek: Enterprise, Spice Girls Reunion and Spice Girls, Help, We're Broke, LA County Slasher 2073 and The Lone Gunmen. Email: literary.giant@ymca.com
Security Personnel: Gigantic, brutish thugs required by television production company to keep demented and outraged fans off the site. Experience with firearms, baseball bats and chainsaws essential, as is a complete lack of scruples and any ethical and moral sense. Ideal opportunity for merciless killing machines and/or psychopathic axe-murderers to gain a foothold in the entertainment industry. Suitable applicants will also be considered for executive marketing roles. PhD in Behavioral Science and/or Human Psychology an advantage. Email: fbcresumes@fox.com
Wanted: Professional The X-Files-hater. Our company requires the services of somebody with absolutely nothing whatsoever to do and no discernable life, to badmouth The X-Files television show and it's creators. You must be an aspiring-but-unpublished writer or possibly an undiscovered film-maker, and utterly devoid of talent and intellect. You must be frustrated to the point of psychosis. We offer you the chance to vent your rage and frustration all over the Internet! Tell the world how much you despise Chris Carter and Annabeth Gish! Inform society of the unbelievable depths to which The X-Files television show has sunk! Gleefully dance a jig of Schadenfreude across every website, messageboard and newsgroup you can find as you wave the latest dip in ratings before you! Dredge-up every last scathing review by every self-proclaimed critic you can find! Knock yourself out! This is an unpaid position and we shall cease interviews after the 50,000th application. Email tragic.loser.wanted@thejokesonyou.com
Wanted: We urgently need somebody to respond to our corporate website's email. You will be unpleasant, neurotic and without a shred of common sense. You will be qualified in Inconsistent Contextual Cognition, experienced in Inappropriate Response Dialog Generation and committed to a goal of becoming the best possible Dramatically Violated-Psyche Experiencer in the business. If you look for the offensive in everything, shoot off sarcastic and shrill replies, and just love telling people how badly they've mistreated you, call us today, as our important clients await your replies to their comments and enquiries! Position might suit an XF message board regular.
Apply: Mental Bitch or Bastard Position, AKorn Marketing, Cambridge MA, 02142.
Partner Wanted: Must be open-minded and willing to accept the truth, especially when it's so obvious is jumps up and bites you on the ass. Prefer attractive female. Contact f_mulder@fbi.gov
Partner Wanted: Must be rational and able to recognize bullshit, especially when it's so obvious it jumps up and smashes your f**king brains out with a baseball bat. Prefer anybody other than f_mulder@fbi.gov. Contact d_scully@fbi.gov
Lawyer Wanted: Am planning to sue aggressive, stupid, narrow-minded bitch who won't respect any other opinions or the possibilty that everything in this Universe isn't as she's been told it is, and who blindly flails around in the dark and ignores reality! Contact f_mulder@fbi.gov
Break Wanted: You're such an asshole, f_mulder@fbi.gov! You wouldn't know reality if it super-glued you to your couch, poured gasoline on your head and ignited it while dancing around your living room in a G-String, singing "you are a f**khead, you are a f**khead!". Contact d_scully@fbi.gov
Agents Wanted: Must be sensible and mature. Must be able to maintain self-discipline and a professional attitude at all times. UFO enthusiasts, conspiracy theorists or other nutjobs need not apply. Contact w_skinner@fbi.gov
Legal Counsel Required: Long-established and prestigious secret cartel has position available for completely selfish and unprincipled scumbag interested only in big fast bucks and prepared to take the concept of "creative interpretation of the law" to stratospheric new heights. The ideal candidate will previously have litigated on behalf of genocidal maniacs, serial killers, television company executives, organized crime syndicates and possibly even O.J. Simpson. You will have impeccably exaggerated credentials and hail from a wealthy family somewhere back east. For an application form, email shark@shyster.com
Webmaster or webmistress wanted: Are you an utterly humorless preppie? Do you take yourself more seriously than God? Do you consider your opinion to be of more importance than anything else in the Cosmos? Do you believe that Special Agent Fox Mulder/David Duchovny is the Messiah? Do you think that the rest of the cast and crew of The X-Files should be taken away and beaten with dead monkeys? Do you think that any episode that isn't identical to your own personal favorite is the end of life on Earth as we know it? Do you believe that YOU should be in charge of making The X-Files? If this sounds like you, then contact us NOW! Our X-Files fansite needs a new administrator, as the last one dared to permit free-speech and has been strangled with a length of razor wire. No web-design skills necessary, just an arrogant and pompous manner. Don't even know what HTML is? Who cares, we sure don't! All we want is somebody willing to join the clique; somebody prepared to stifle an opposing opinion before it can be considered by others; somebody willing to be a completely hateful motherf**ker. Remember - Fox Mulder is God, everybody else is lame!
email position@betterthanyou.com
Self-Important Asshole Wanted Urgently!: Start today! We need somebody to moderate our X-Files-related messageboards, mailing lists and newsgroups. You will need to love yourself to the point of psychiatric impairment and have a phobic-like distaste for everybody who doesn't write Buffy Fanfiction. You must maintain encyclopedic dossiers devoted to the wardrobe selections of Gillian Anderson/Dana Scully, Sarah Michelle Gellar/Buffy and anybody who has ever appeared on Roswell and Dawson's Creek. Also, you will need to be able to demonstrate a total disinterest in anything other than the ravings of former-devoted-fans-now-disillusioned-with-the-sloppy-and-pathetic-drivel-that-is-being-churned-out-week-after-week-by-Chris-Carter-and-his-cronies-which-is-obviously-targetted-specifically-at-teenage-boys-and-other-losers-and-it's-so-obvious-the-show-is-ruined-now-and-what-about-the-stupid-Doggett-Reyes-relationship-thing-what's-up-with-that? If you believe you can meet these criteria, we want to hear from you!
Please email your resume and teen magazine subscription list to moderator@hateeverybody.com
Wanted: Discreet, professional hitperson for difficult contract. The mark is a well-known lunatic who believes himself to be the "Life Partner" of Special Agent Dana Scully of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Believed to be holed up in a cabin atop a mountain somewhere in New Zealand. Has a long and well-documented history of severe psychosis. Is armed and considered to be extremely dangerous. Payment negotiable and will consider dental plan.
Apply everybody@wholeworld.com
[This advertisement currently being investigated by the FBI. Special Agent Dana Scully]
Urgently Wanted: New partners for World Domination project, to replace previous investors tragically killed in a mysterious fire, as well as a train car explosion, a fall down some stairs, an exploding Limousine and several unfortunate shootings. Need a Fat Man, a Well Manicured Man, a Grey-Haired Man, a Red-Haired Man, a Cigarett