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Lost & Found

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Lost: Palm pilot. Previous owner a one-armed, dark-haired man of Russian descent who died unexpectantly. If you have information on the location of said, palm pilot, please contact Assistant Director Walter Skinner at the FBI: w_skinner@fbi.gov

Lost: Alligator, missing after family vacation, last seen in vicinity of Heuvelmans Lake in early '96. He is a much treasured family pet and my kids are distraught. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Generous reward offered for his safe return, though will also accept boots and/or belts. If you have any info, email: the_faradays@dumbass.com

Lost: One television show. Generous reward offered to finder of our beloved TV show, The X-Files, which has been missing since 1998. Last seen heading south, muttering something about the rain. Our lives haven't been worth living since it disappeared - please, if you can help us, open up the Vancouver telephone directory and call, well, anybody...!

Have You Seen This Man?:

Chris Carter is wanted for Crimes Against Humanity! He created a television show which finally gave me a reason for existing but he has now largely destroyed it. All the cute guys are on Buffy now! Did you know that he never, ever made an episode out of all that fanfiction I sent him! They even threatened to call the police if I didn't leave the Lot that time I flew to L.A. to demand an explanation! Can you believe that? Here I am, the recognized number-one, most respected person in XF fandom, and they treat me like that! So many of you tell me on the message boards how wonderful my fanfic is and I even have some posted on Gossamer! Let's face it, I'm a star, for Christ's sake! But will CC listen to me when I try to explain that only I can save the show? Will he even speak with me? Well, the quality of the episodes produced now answers that question! No, Chris Carter must die for not putting his life and career on hold just for me. So, if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Chris Carter, please call 1-800-HYSTERIA or email shrieking_imbecile@diecarterdie.com

Lost!: One conspiracy, last known sighting in the vicinity of El Rico Air Force Base in 02.14.99 but unconfirmed reports suggest possibly in-or-near Bellefleur, Oregon, 05.21.00 as well as other unreliable sightings since that time. Might possibly be in the company of sinister looking men or some funny-looking little grey dudes, although could be wandering forlorn and alone, wondering where the hell everybody went. If you have any information regarding this, please contact your nearest FBI field office.

Missing Person: Darin Morgan, 36, last seen in vicinity of West Pico Blvd, Los Angeles CA, 04/97. Short male Caucasian, chubby build, nondescript appearance. Desperately needed at previous place of employment! If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this person, please call (310) 369-1130 and ask for Chris, Frank or Vince.

Lost!: Small silvery stiletto-like object in or near a deserted location in the DC/Virginia area on or about the night of 05.17.96. Has great sentimental value. Generous reward offered. If found email abh@ttiot.com. PS - Whatever you do don't push small button!

Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Classified!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and due to the fact that I've seen better spelling and grammar at a dyslexics convention. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if your postings are sasquatch poo. See how nice I am?

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