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Home Wanted: Rent or board. Quiet and friendly evil force seeks residence. I have a steady job ruthlessly preying on everybody's worst nightmares (no, I don't work for the CIA, NSA or FBI). I must move from my current home in Los Angeles due to the fact that nothing scares these people anymore, therefore NYC not an option either. Prefer Midwest location. Kids OK. I have a cat (housetrained), so need pet-friendly house. Email: clawmonster@scaryshit.com

Home For Sale!: Situated within The Falls at Arcadia, one of the nation's top-rated planned communities! Beautiful split-level, 3 bedrooms including two ensuite, large dining and entertainment areas, huge yard with Jacuzzi, double garage, unbelievably quiet street and friendly neighbors. Some property regulations apply. Reluctant sale, owners transferred by employer. Contact theshroeders@gogolak.com

Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Classified!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and due to the fact that I've seen better spelling and grammar at a dyslexics convention. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if your postings are sasquatch poo. See how nice I am?

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