Interview With Duane Barry

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Interview with Duane Barry!

DS: This is an interview with former FBI Agent and 'alien abductee', Duane Barry. It's been a long time! What, must be nearly six years? Seven?

DB: Oh, easily!

DS: You're looking well!

DB: Thank you! Not like last time! [Laughs] A bit strung-out back in those days!

DS: Most people here won't have seen you since 1994, so I guess you'd better cover some ground here. Tell them what you've been doing with yourself.

DB: Relaxing mainly! [Laughs] A lot of skiing...

DS: Still skiing? Not tired of it yet?

DB: No way! Duane Barry owns a share in The Cancer Man's waterski-supply deal down in Costa Rica. I spend a lot of time down there with him and Krycek.

DS: How is Alex?

DB: Fine. Still dumb! [Laughs]. And still works part-time. He's happy.

DS: He went down with you after Skyland.

DB: Yeah

DS: So how do you all get on? Do you like Costa Rica?

DB: Oh it's great, truly great! The most beautiful place, and we have a lot of fun. The Cancer Man's a really funny dude, once you get to know him, great sense of humor. Very droll. Can't ski for shit, but what the hell. [Laughs] Alex is kind of an idiot, but he's OK.

DS: So explain just what did happen with that whole "Duane Barry is dead" thing?

DB: You mean after Skyland?

DS: Uhuh.

DB: Well, the plan was for us to take off down south anyway, but then your partner starting stirring the pot, you know? That was about when you'd had enough, right?

DS: Uhuh. More than enough!

DB: So That Guy just really started pissing Duane Barry off, and you don't wanna go pissing Duane Barry off. Then Krycek turned-up and said that The Cancer Man wanted me to lay low for a while and Duane Barry says, "how am I supposed to do that, when dickhead out there is riling ol' Duane Barry up?", so Alex agrees to give Duane Barry a sedative, something that puts you under real deep, to make it look like Duane's dead, you with me?

DS: Uhuh. I'm familiar with it.

DB: OK, so boom, down Duane goes, but Duane Barry decides to have a little fun with it. You know, do the old "AACCCKK!" choking thing, just to see the looks on everybody's faces! [Laughs] That was great. Your partner looked like he was going to have a heart attack!

DS: [Laughing] You always were a kidder! Then what?

DB: So anyway, next thing I remember, Duane Barry's lying on the slab at Quantico. Boy, that smell sure brought back memories!

DS: Oh yeah, know that! I love Quantico!

DB: Yeah, great place. Anyhow, Duane and the Navy pathologist were just shooting the breeze, but then she says that somebody's coming, and covers Duane Barry up. Next thing I hear is your partner questioning her about the lab results, and she's being really uncooperative, and he's gettin' all hot and bothered about it! [Laughs] The funny thing was that he didn't notice what I was doing!

DS: Like what?

DB: Well, Duane Barry's under the covers, pulling all kinds of faces and giving him the finger, and then Duane starts to goose the doc! She wasn't bad neither! Duane Barry had been in Davis [psychiatric correctional hospital] for a while, you know what I'm saying? [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] Sure, you must have been a little, erm, frustrated?

DB: [Laughing] A little? So anyway, she's desperately trying to keep a straight face, and your partner has no idea what's going on. Is he a little, maybe, retarded, or what?

DS: Don't get me started, please! [Laughs]

DB: Anyhoo, after that it was Costa Rica! Alex and Duane flew down with you the next morning and this is the first time Duane's been back since!

DS: Really? In all these years?

DB: Yup!

DS: Any more 'visits'? From the 'aliens'? [Laughs]

DB: [Laughing] Sure, they're our biggest customers! Seriously though, that deal with Skyland was great, wasn't it?

DS: Oh, you have no idea! When The Cancer Man first suggested it to me, it seemed so stupid - you know, the 'alien abduction' shit, but then I thought about it and I knew That Guy would buy right into it, so I said "what the hell"! [Laughs]

DB: Yeah! Duane Barry felt bad about having to stuff you into the trunk, but The Cancer Man wanted that video tape to look good. It did too, didn't it?

DS: Yes, it was great! Even Skinner bought it! [Laughs] I think we should point out here to everybody that both the State Trooper and the cable-car operator [at Skyland] were in on the whole deal, so nobody actually got hurt.

DB: [Laughing] And no animals were harmed in the making of this movie! Duane got hurt though. That damn rubber bullet left a bruise for three weeks!

DS: The one that hit you in the travel agency?

DB: Yeah! Damn that hurt! Took Duane Barry by surprise! [Laughs]

DS: So what have you got planned for the future?

DB: Right now Duane's helping Bill with the new house.

DS: That's Agent That Guy's father?

DS: That's correct. Oh, and he says hello, they all do.

DS: That's sweet. All of That Guy's family is down there with you, right?

DB: Sure, Bill, Teena, Samantha. Funny, they're good people, great people. Wonder what happened with That Guy? [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] Who knows? He's bad enough that his own family want to get away from him!

DB: Really makes you think, huh?

DS: Oh yeah. So what else?

DB: Down there? Uh, well, recently we've been entertaining the whole neighborhood, actually!

DS: How do you mean?

DB: Oh, see, Deep Throat and X have been trying to teach The Fat Man how to ski! It's not a pretty sight! First time Duane Barry's ever felt sorry for a wetsuit! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] Oh God, I can imagine! And all those guys have been down there since...?

DB: Since El Rico, mostly. Deep Throat has been down there for a long time now, and then X joined the party, then The Well Manicured Man finally made it, back in '98. Then El Rico happened, then Diana and The Cancer Man, and then Krycek was able to finally move down permanently.

DS: So, no more conspiracies?

DB: No more what? [Laughs] Kidding, actually The Guys are cooking up something interesting now. Strughold has been bugging them and I know they miss it, miss the action, and it just seems a damn shame to leave That Guy in peace! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] OK! So I guess we still have something to look forward to yet?

DB: Oh yeah! We're also keen for you to head down there again. Permanently, that is.

DS: Well, not long now! I can't wait to see Melissa again! Shturmie is not that keen on the tropical heat though.

DB: Ah, he'll get used to it. If even The Well Manicured Man can quit whining and enjoy it, anybody can!

DS: OK, well I guess that about wraps it up! Thank you Duane, we've really missed you and it's been great!

DB: Thank you Agent Scully. See you next year!

DS: Definitely!

Interview ends.

2001

duane_barry@altavista.net

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