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Interview with Eugene Victor Tooms!

DS: We're here with genetic mutant and noted serial-killer, Eugene Victor Tooms, and we'll be asking him about some of his history, if that's OK with you?

EVT: Sure, fire away.

DS: Well, it's good to see you again, how have you been?

EVT: Oh, alright really, considering. I mean, I got crushed by an escalator a while back, but you knew that.

DS: That's right, when Agent That Guy accidentally hit that button.

EVT: Yeah, that's right [Laughs]. Hurt like a bastard.

DS: The guy's a moron! So, how are you now?

EVT: I get the occasional twinge in the morning and on damp days, but otherwise it's fine.

DS: Is that a problem at your age, do you think?

EVT: Actually, not really! I'm in better shape than most 25-year-olds, maybe even an 18-year-old. Hibernation is a great restorative.

DS: So, how old are you exactly?

EVT: You know, I just couldn't answer that! I lost track a long time ago, though I had tried to keep a count. I did have a diary at one point, but I gave it up in the end.

DS: Why?

EVT: The diary, or counting?

DS: Both.

EVT: Uh, well, counting just got too difficult. I'm old, let me say that! [Laughs] But going in-and-out of hibernation is confusing. If you haven't ever done it, you can't really understand that, but I assure you it's tricky on the memory. I ditched the diary because it was just too darn risky. If you guys had found it you'd have tried to charge me for about a million other deaths! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] For sure! OK, so what have you been up to recently?

EVT: Well, I've been harvesting livers mainly. That takes up a fair amount of my time. It's not as easy as it once was, like, say, a hundred years ago, certainly harder now than it should be!

DS: What do you attribute that difficulty to?

EVT: Oh, well, undoubtably the events of 09/11 have had a huge impact! People are as jittery and paranoid as hell, and far more aware than they used to be. More security conscious. That was a terrible, tragic day.

DS: Yes indeed. How many more livers do you need?

EVT: As you know, I actually need five in order to be able to begin my hibernation cycle.

DS: Uhuh, but how many do you have so far?

EVT: Uh, let's see, there was that fat guy this morning, stunk like you wouldn't believe, so, I think that's four. Maybe three [Laughs], sorry, it's been a busy few days!

DS [Laughing] Sure, I know how you feel!

EVT: I'll have to check my records. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's four now. There was a guy last week, if I could've bagged his I'd be snoozing right now [Laughs]! But he was no good, so I'm still waiting.

DS: What was wrong with him?

EVT: Alcoholism. It's a tragic, terrible waste of a good liver.

DS: That's a shame.

EVT: Yeah, terrible. Nice young guy, too. So much of that around.

DS: Is it worse now, after the attacks?

EVT: You mean...?

DS: Sorry [Laughs], a little ambiguous that one, huh?

EVT: Well...[Laughing]

DS: I meant the terrorist attacks, have they had an impact on drinking, that kind of thing?

EVT: I'm not really too sure, you know? Back in the depression days, it was worse than now. Livers all shot to hell on cheap crap. You know, prohibition came along too and that was it!

DS: It was easier in prohibition?

EVT: Oh, shit no! The opposite! Every man and his dog were drinking like I've never seen before! There were hardly any usuable livers any place! God, it was ages before I could do it!

DS: How'd you manage in the end?

EVT: Actually, it's a funny story...

DS: Go ahead, we have time.

EVT: Well, OK. I was living in, uh, now where the hell was it, someplace upstate Maryland, I think...

DS: Pouhattan Mill.

EVT: Uh, that's right, it was! Glad you're here! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] I won't try to tell your story for you!

EVT: Hey, be my guest, you have a much nicer voice! [Laughs]

DS: Thank you, but I think you might be "stretching" the truth a little...

EVT: [Laughing] Oh, that was good! OK, so there I was in Pouhattan Mill, early 30's I think-

DS: 1933. Oops!

EVT: OK, that's it...! [Pretends to leave]

DS: [Laughing] Well, that concludes our interview with Eugene Victor Tooms...!

EVT: [Laughing] OK, OK, so it was 1933, and I was in pretty bad shape, so many useless livers around everyplace I looked, and then one day I'm at work - I was a delivery guy for some racketeer at the time-

DS: What did you deliver?

EVT: Oh, this'll make you laugh - it was bootleg liquor! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] How ironic!

EVT: Yeah, figures huh? Always something! So anyway, I'm at work, and the urge is killing me! Like, really killing me, ya know? And then the big boss walks in, some mobster from Jersey, or someplace. Really flashy suit, lots of jewellery, that kind of look.

DS: This is who you work for?

EVT: No, no, no, this is the top guy, the whattaya call it, the Don. You know, everybody runs around shit-scared of him but grovelling all over him. Really made me sick.

DS: And he was checking out the operation?

EVT: Exactly! It was his operation really, my boss was just a lieutenant, you know? So anyways, I'm there in this big old warehouse just full to the rooftop with moonshine, bootleg, whatever, and this guy comes in to do the books. Him and his accountant, some weasley-looking little guy. And his muscle.

DS: Uh...?

EVT: You know, his bodyguards? So the boss goes into this mezzanine office they had, with his bean-counter, and his hoods stay at the bottom of the stairs with their guns and shit, and they take no notice of me, right? I'm just some palooka who delivers the merchandise, I'm nothing. They're playing cards. But I'm under the office and I hear the accountant say he's going out for a bite to eat and he asks the boss if he wants anything. Then the accountant leaves but the thing is, I heard the boss's reply, and, man, I'm so desperate, I just have to go for it!

DS: Go for it? What-?

EVT: The liver! The boss-man's liver!

DS: Oh! Did you get it?

EVT: Oh, yeah, sure! There's this vent in the floor at the corner of the office, maybe, I dunno, eight-by-twelve, something like that. Hell, a skinny kid could've got through it. So anyways, I'm up through there like a greased lizard, gnawing on the fat f**k's liver before he can draw his piece, before he can even scream! All the while his goons are at the bottom of the stairs, totally oblivious to their boss being ripped-open up behind them! [Laughs]

DS: And...

EVT: And I do the job and I'm out of there but here's the thing! The reason I went after him wasn't just desperation!

DS: It wasn't?

EVT: No! The thing is, this guy, the boss-man, he's in charge of one of the biggest bootleg liquor operations on the east coast, and he doesn't drink! That's what I heard him tell the accountant! Can you believe that? Everybody else in the joint was a raging alcoholic, but not him, because "he likes to stay on top of things"! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] Bet he regretted that!

EVT: Uhuh! The great thing was that your guys never even knew, couldn't even remotely pin it on me-

DS: You mean the FBI? How come?

EVT: He was a mobster! None of his people were ever going to say what really happened! Shit, they didn't know what really happened! [Laughs] Sure, the Feds knew he was dead, there was a funeral and everything, but they just figured he'd been hit. His boys told them it was a heart attack! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] So you got away with it completely! What then?

EVT: Well, that was my fifth! I hit the nest and that was it until, um, Baltimore I think.

DS: That's right, in '63.

EVT: Right.

DS: I'm a little lost, I thought the records showed that you did get five victims?

EVT: In '33? Oh, yeah, see, what happened was, I got hungry. I like liver, you know? I didn't actually need the last one, which was actually number six. Tell the truth, it made me sick. The guy I got it from was an alcoholic! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughs] After telling us about how bad they were! Oh, Eugene!

EVT: Well, you know, a little spontaneity never hurt anybody. Well, maybe that guy! [Laughs] But you know, we were talking about the effect of the attacks and stuff, and I got a little side-tracked.

DS: OK, you were saying?

EVT: Well, when I was around in the '30's, things were kinda bad, you know? For the little guy, and even though the rich were doing fine, everybody drank too much! And then the '60's, well, it was a little better, but still there was a lot of bad shit, and drugs! Jesus! Drugs, man, that was really starting to happen. You guys really have to get the message out there, that it's bad! So bad! If they only knew what they were doing to their poor livers!

DS: Yes, it's a real problem.

EVT: That's for sure! So, anyhow, the '60s wasn't totally rosy either, but I got by. I think you talked to that cop, the Sherriff? What was his name?

DS: Frank Briggs.

EVT: Yeah, old Frank! Helluva nice guy, Frank! How is he these days?

DS: Oh, seems OK. Still a little pissed at you though! [Laughs]

EVT: [Laughing] I bet! He took it personally, which is a shame, 'coz I really respected him. He almost nailed me too! I got that last one though, and they never did figure it out until you and whatshisname, Agent That Guy came along.

DS: Sure, that was a lucky break for us-

EVT: But not for me! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] No, about as unlucky as you could get!

EVT: Hey, who knew about these computers, huh? Amazing technology! Imagine trying to stretch and match prints with an abacus, huh? [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] I guess! So, the '30's were bad, the '60's were a little better?

EVT: Oh yeah, but I was glad to get back to sleep again, I have to say. But the thing is, when I woke up again in the '90s, when you guys first got on my case, things were amazing! I'd never seen it so good! Jobs, money, incredible cars! Those Kraut and Japanese jobs. Yet people were talking about a "recession"! I nearly laughed my ass off at that! F**k, I'd come from nowhere, no records, no résumé, nothing, and walked straight into a job! Some f**king recession!

DS: The job was the animal control thing?

EVT: That's right! Shit, back in the early '30s, the only job was crime! There'd been like, what, a dozen years of prohibition, thirteen years?

DS: That's right.

EVT: No jobs. No legitimate jobs, anyway. It was the depression, with soup kitchens and people freezing or starving to death. In America! Shit! That's why I laughed when I heard people whining in your day! F**k, they'd bitch about job security, then drive their BMW home! And I just couldn't believe how much things had changed!

DS: More than from 1933 until the 1960's?

EVT: Different. Really different. I mean, I missed all the wars, the modern ones! The Great War, WW2, Korea, most of Vietnam. I even missed the Gulf War! But, you know, in the '60s I was impressed by the airplanes. Cars had changed a little, but they were still cars, but the airplanes! They were so fast! I didn't know what to think! And television! I had no idea what that was! I used to think radio was black-magic, for f**k's sake! [Laughs]

DS: [Laughing] I can imagine your shock.

EVT: I dunno, it was pretty astounding! And those f**king cellphones! I couldn't believe it! If I'd known about those I'd have shit myself! I could've been busted so much easier! But that's it though, things were so good, still are, besides the terrorism thing. Yet people are starting to think and behave a lot like the people way back when. It's a crying shame, and there's no need for it.

DS: I guess people's bubble has been burst. They know now how hopeless we really are - the FBI, whoever - and they're worried.

EVT: Tell them they've got worse things to worry about than a bunch of goat-herders.

DS: Yes indeed. You must be getting hungry, I guess.

EVT: Yup. Time to go, I think. It's honestly been great talking with you again Agent Scully, I really hope I catch up with you again in the 2020s!

DS: Not if I catch you first!

EVT: Well, f**k only knows what equipment you'll have then, so it wouldn't surprise me!

DS: I'll give you a head start! [Laughs]

EVT: Oh, one free liver and a get-out-of-jail-free card?

DS [Laughing] Yeah! Hey, you know, Agent That Guy's at home right now. You remember where he lives, right?

EVT: Say, that's a good idea! That's a great idea! Thanks, I might just stop by and say hello to him!

DS: [Laughing] Don't forget that he owes you for that escalator thing!

EVT: [Laughing] True! OK, take care.

DS: You too.

Interview ends.

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2001

duane_barry@altavista.net

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