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Interview with Two Hysterical Shrieking XF Fans

DS: It's you fans and other idiots which have made this little website of mine such a huge roaring success, so Shturmie gently suggested we should stroke your ego's a little in return. Personally, I think I'd rather have Leprosy than spend twelve seconds with any of you, but I just can't say no to my Shturmikins. So, here with me now are, sigh, a fan we'll call "shipper" and a fan we'll call "noromo". Welcome.

Shipper: [Squeals loudly] Oh my God, I can't believe I'm really here speaking with you, oh my God, I just love you so much!

DS: Uhuh, OK, fine, it's nice to meet you too-

Shipper: I can't wait for you to meet my friends, oh my God, they're just going to die when they see me with you-

Noromo: Shuttup! Stupid bitch!

DS: Now-!

Noromo: Agent Scully, why don't you leave the show, now that it's so bad? You're so obviously just going through the motions and aren't committed at all to it! Chris Carter should burn in hell for what he's done!

Shipper: Don't talk to me like that! You're the loser around here-

DS: What-?

Noromo: Oh please! [Imitates Shipper squeal] "Oh my God, oh my God! I hope Agent Scully and Agent That Guy get married and have lots of babies and then me and all my silly little friends can come visit and knit little booties and read romance novels all day!". God, you people make me sick!

DS: All right, let's-

Shipper: You're the stupid bitch around here! You can't even recognize true love! Do you really think Agent Scully could go through all that with Agent That Guy and not be in love with him? You just don't get it!

DS: Now, listen-!

Noromo: Oh, God, you are so lame! It's people like you that have made the show so pathetic now! Because of all your shippy fanfiction crap and bitching and moaning, CC has sold out! That and because he's so rich now and just doesn't care! He never respected us true fans! We made him what he is and yet he was willing to turn the show into some stupid Jackie Collins novel just to shut you f**king pathetic sicko shippers up!

Shipper: Oh, yeah, right! He's never listened to us! We're his most loyal fans and yet he still wouldn't respect any of our hopes or wishes! You noromos aren't real fans and never have been, you're just-!

Noromo: F**k off! We're the true fans! The X-Files is about the mytharc! It's about aliens and monsters and stuff like that, not some stupid f**king love story! God, you people make-!

Shipper: F**k you! You can't tell me that two people who work so closely together for so long, and who experience so much intensity together, can't be deeply in love with each other! You can see it, every time they gaze at one another! It's-

DS: I do not gaze at Agent That Guy! God! I don't even like being in the same room with him! What the hell is wrong with you people, are-?

Noromo: See? She admits it! There is no TGSR! Because you idiots nagged CC he caved in and turned the show into Love, Conspiracy Style! God! I f**king hate you shippers! You've ruined everything! Don't you ever go to the message boards? If you did, you'd see the depth of feeling out there, how the world wants The X-Files to be the way it was, when there was none of this sicko love story shit! Did you even see Jose Chung's from Outer Space?

Shipper: Oh, please! Did you even see Existence? Scully's total love for That Guy and baby William just made me cry all night! I called my friend Angela, and we cried over it on the 'phone for nearly three hours! You can't say that it-

DS: Jeezusss! You people are even worse than I f**king expected!

Noromo: But Agent Scully, tell her that she's an idiot for thinking that the show is about the so-called 'love' you share with Agent That Guy, please! I'm so sick of hearing all this f**king sappy trash!

Shipper: So go away then! We don't need you! Go and watch the PSI Factor or something-!

DS: That's it, I'm outta here...

Noromo: I bet you watch that! I bet you hope that Matt and Lindsay get married and have babies!

Shipper: No! Matt and Claire, actually...

Noromo: God, thank f**k you only write fanfiction that CC never reads!

Shipper: For your information, they do read it! They say they don't, but I know they do! I've seen so many of my ideas in the storylines!

Noromo: Yeah, right! They toss away all fanfiction! I know they want to use all of my stuff, but their attorney won't let them! How much soppy fanfiction have you sent to FOX? They must laugh their asses off every time they toss your shit stories into the dumpster!

Shipper: Oh, and what are your little stories about? Aliens who come down and disguise themselves as psychic brain-sucking serial-killers who share some nexus with Agent That Guy and are members of the Syndicate-?

Noromo: No! They had a nexus with Agent Scully, actually! And they killed the Syndicate guys! Shows how much you know! I bet you've never read anything by Neitzsche! Noromos are scientific, not dumbass no-life romance dreamers!

Shipper: Oh, gee, let me guess - you're in EngLit 101 at the Community College of Bent Spanner, Kentucky, right? "Those who boast so mightily of the scientificality of their metaphysics should receive no answer; it is enough to pluck at the bundle which, with a certain degree of embarrassment, they keep concealed behind their back; if one succeeds in opening it, the products of that scientificality come to light, attended by their blushes: a dear little Lord God, a nice little immortality, perhaps a certain quantity of spiritualism, and in any event a whole tangled heap of 'wretched poor sinner' and Pharisee arrogance." Recognize that? I bet you didn't understand a word of that, right? Neitszche's philosophy is the diametric opposite of most of what people like you preach! Why is it that all Noromos act like they're some kind of Ivy League bigshots, yet they never even finished 5th grade? All I ever see at your message boards are-

Noromo: So, why are you at our message boards? Why aren't you posting to your little schoolgirl shipper boards? "Oh, Agent That Guy is just so hot! Oh, Agent Scully's hair is just so nice!". It's sickening! And for your information, everybody knows that Noromos are better educated and more talented fanfic writers than Shippers! That's why CC only ever visits our message boards! We know he reads all our posts-

Shipper: Oh, please! "CC u r a friken moron and ur show sux now Scully is a slut and can i have a job i rite relly good! signed brain_dead_99". God! CC wouldn't let his computer anywhere near your shitty message boards! He only visits the Shipper sites, everybody knows that for a fact! One of the Shipper board moderators met him at a convention once and discussed the TGSR with him for nearly five minutes! He told her how-!

Noromo: So? One of our moderators spoke to him and Rob Bowman when they were shooting a scene for FTF! He told them how they'd totally f**ked the story with the stupid romance shit and they said that he made some good points and they even gave him an FTF cap! You shippers need to get a life!

Shipper: And what about FTF, since we're on the subject? What about that hallway kiss? What about That Guy going all the way to Antarctica to rescue Scully? Do you think that would have happened if there was no TGSR? Of course it wouldn't! You're in denial! You can't even see that CC has destroyed The X-Files by denying the underlying feelings that they have for each other! Bringing in Doggett and Reyes was a pathetic attempt to patch up what the show had become!

Noromo: Doggett rocked at first but now he's as sick as all the other lamoid love story types on the show! Reyes is a total waste of time! But I bet you shippers just love them! Another couple to match-make! You are the ones in denial! This show was about the scary stuff and the conspiracies until you shippers ruined it.

Shipper: We did not ruin it! CC ruined it! He took a beautiful thing and destroyed it!

Noromo: Uh, well, yeah, it does suck now, really bigtime! But it was all your fault.

Shipper: No way! It was CC!

Noromo: Well, yeah, it was definitely that shithead CC too, but, um...

Shipper: Where's Agent Scully?

Noromo: Oh shit, she can't be gone! I wanted her to pass-on my résumé to Ten Thirteen!

Shipper: Yeah, sure, like they'd ever hire you! All you ever do is bad-mouth them! I bet they'll be happy to read my résumé though! That's because I'm a shipper, and Ten Thirteen respects shippers!

Noromo: Harharhar! Dream on! They laugh at all fans, not just...oh, wait...erm, what I said before, um, I meant that Chris Carter is a genius...no, really...

Shipper: Agent Scully, come back! Please...?

[Interview concludes]

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2001

duane_barry@altavista.net

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