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The Time of Their Lives
It is early in the morning. All is quiet, but the guys are skulking around under some trees beside a darkened building, whispering amongst themselves. They are up to no good.
The Cancer Man: "OK X, get up there and do your stuff."
X: "Me? Why me? Why can't you do it?"
The Cancer Man: "Don't be absurd! You're the man for this job."
X: "Wha...why doesn't Krychek do it?"
Krychek: "Hey man, I'd love to, but, well, you know..."
[Taps on his false arm. It makes a hollow sound.]
Deep Throat: "And I also feel remiss at not assisting you, my boy, it's just that I have a bad knee. I was in Vietnam, you understand..."
X: "Hey, *I* was in Vietnam, but I still have to do all the hard work! Christ, why did I ever let myself get involved with a bunch of old geezers..."
The Cancer Man: "Now, now - no need to be like that."
[X glares at him, then steps over to the fire escape ladder, which he tugs at. It slides to the ground with a loud screech of metal on metal."
The Cancer Man: "Ssssshhhhh! What are you trying to do, wake the whole neighborhood?!"
X: "Gee, sorry. Maybe you shoulda done it..."
[With a loud rustling noise, The Well Manicured Man emerges from a nearby bush]
The Well Manicured Man: "What's happening?"
The Cancer Man: "For God's sake, keep your voice down! Why aren't you in the lobby?"
The Well Manicured Man: "No one has told me where it is yet. How can I find it if I don't even know its location? Surely you must have-"
Deep Throat: "Where the hell is The Fat Man? He was supposed to show you!"
The Cancer Man: "Oh, you guys are too much..."
Krychek: "Shall I show him...?"
Deep Throat: "This is ridiculous! I'm going back to the car."
The Cancer Man: "No, wait a second, hang on! Alex, take The Well Manicured Man 'round to the lobby and wait there for my signal."
The Well Manicured Man: "I still think we should have used my plan-"
Deep Throat: "Oh, knock it off, you had your chance! We voted for this one, so we'll carry out this one!"
The Well Manicured Man: "But you never even really listened to my idea..."
The Cancer Man: "What do you expect? We were all so drunk we wouldn't have understood it anyway! Besides, a wager made is a wager won: *my* wagers are, anyway..."
X: "What the hell is going on down there?"
The Cancer Man: "Shut up and keep climbing!"
Krychek: "Come on The Well Manicured Man, it's this way, and try and keep quiet!"
The Well Manicured Man: "Whatever happened to respecting ones elders...?"
[Krychek and The Well Manicured Man disappear from view around the corner of the building]
Deep Throat: "So, when do you want me to make the call?"
The Cancer Man: "Wait until everyone else is in position. Where the hell is that fat idiot...?"
[He pulls out his mobile 'phone. On the other side of the building, Krychek and The Well Manicured Man creep towards the main entrance. They enter a large clump of bushes and crash headlong into the hulking form of The Fat Man.]
Krychek: "Arrgghhh! Jee-zuusss! What are you doing?!"
The Fat Man: "For the love of God boy, never sneak up on me like that! You almost gave me a coronary!"
The Well Manicured Man: "Oh my God, oh my God...somebody help me up..."
The Fat Man: "Where did you go? I've been looking all over for you?"
Krychek: "Look, shall we just get inside, huh?"
The Fat Man: "Do you think it's safe? I saw someone go in about five minutes ago."
The Well Manicured Man: "I think we're supposed to wait for the signal first."
Krychek: "Hey, sshhh, someones coming!'
[They wait anxiously as an old guy out walking his dog passes by. Their nerves are jangling. Just then, The Fat Mans 'phone rings.]
The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, now really, this is too much..."
The Fat Man: "Hello, The Fat Man speaking."
The Cancer Man: "Where the hell are you? You're supposed to be at the lobby with The Well Manicured Man! Can't I trust you guys to do anything right...?"
Krychek: "Who is it?"
The Fat Man: "The Cancer Man...Well, actually, for your information, I'm here with him now!"
The Cancer Man: "So, where's Krychek?"
The Fat Man: "He's here too. Do we go in now or what?"
The Cancer Man: "No! Just stay put until you get the damn signal!"
[Click]
Krychek: "So, what did he say?"
The Fat Man: "He said you're a stupid idiot."
[The Cancer Man puts the 'phone back into his pocket, shaking his head slowly]
The Cancer Man: "You know, if ya want something done..."
Deep Throat: "Tell me about it."
X: "Psssssttt!"
The Cancer Man: "What?"
X: "I'm in position. Do you want me to do my thing?"
The Cancer Man: "Ssssshhhhhh! Call me on my 'phone!"
X: "Oh, man...!"
[He pulls his 'phone out of the bulky rucksack he's carrying and dials. The Cancer Mans mobile 'phone rings.]
The Cancer Man: "Hello? Who's that?"
X: "It's David Letterman! Who the hell were you expecting?!"
The Cancer Man: "Don't get smart with me! Just do as you're told!"
X: "Fine! Do you want me to do this now, or should I just go home...?"
The Cancer Man: "Hold your horses, I'll call you when we're ready."
[Click]
X: "Hold your own damn horses, dips**t!"
[X's 'phone rings]
X: "Yes?"
The Cancer Man: "I heard that. I hear everything."
[Click. He then calls The Fat Man]
The Fat Man: "Hello, The Fat Man speaking."
The Cancer Man: "Why are you answering the 'phone like that?"
The Fat Man: "It's how I always answer the 'phone!"
The Cancer Man: "But you know it's me! Why bother to say your name? Why not just say 'Yes?' since you know who it is?"
The Fat Man: "But what if it's not you? What if it's my mother?"
The Cancer Man: "Your...your *mother*!? Why the hell would your mother be calling you at three o'clock in the morning?! Man, you are the lamest sometimes, ya know that?"
The Fat Man: "Me? You are! You're a total a*****e sometimes!"
The Cancer Man: "Look, just shut the hell up and get in that building!"
The Fat Man: "Now?"
The Cancer Man: "Yes, now! Holy f..."
[Click]
The Well Manicured Man: "Now?"
The Fat Man: "Yes, now...!"
[The Fat Man, The Well Manicured Man and Krychek scuttle up the stairs leading into the buildings lobby, looking very furtive indeed. The Cancer Man dials another number.]
X: "Uh huh?"
The Cancer Man: "What can you see?"
X: "What do you mean 'what can I see'?. You mean in the room?"
The Cancer Man: "No! I mean in Mexico! Yes, I mean in the room!"
X: "Well, be more specific next time! And the TV is on."
The Cancer Man: "S**t! It is?"
Deep Throat: "What's wrong?"
The Cancer Man: "X says the TV is on."
Deep Throat: "Oh, don't worry about that, it's always on..."
The Cancer Man: "Alright, X, stay put and stay out of sight. Not long now!"
[Click. He calls The Fat Man.]
The Fat Man: "Hello, The- I mean, yes?"
The Cancer Man: "Whatever...Where are you now?"
The Fat Man: "In the lobby. Shall we go up?"
The Cancer Man: "OK, but stay out of sight! Put Krychek on."
The Fat Man: "Here, he wants to talk to you."
Krychek: "Hello, Krychek speaking."
The Cancer Man: "I know it's you! What is it with you guys...?! Jeez! Look, you know the room number, right?"
Krychek: "Yeah, sure. Do you want us to do it now?"
The Cancer Man: "No, no, wait for the signal."
Krychek: "OK."
[Click]
The Fat Man: "What did he say?"
Krychek: "He says you eat too much."
[Meanwhile...]
Deep Throat: "Well, I guess I should make my Call From The Grave..."
The Cancer Man: "OK, use this 'phone."
[He passes the 'phone to Deep Throat, who dials a number. It rings for a while...]
That Guy: "Hello?"
Deep Throat: "Whoooo, the truth...!"
That Guy: "Hello? Hello, who is this?"
Deep Throat: "Whoooooooo, the truth is out there Agent That Guy, whooooo...!"
That Guy: "What? Who is this? It can't be...!"
Deep Throat: "Whoooooo, you're close....whoooooo, it's out there...!"
That Guy: "Is it really you? Hello? I thought you were dea-"
[Click. The Cancer Man is rolling around on the ground, covering his mouth with his hands, trying to keep himself from laughing too loudly...]
Deep Throat: "I've waited a long time for that!"
The Cancer Man: "Oh man, that was just sooo great...!"
[He takes the 'phone and dials a number.]
X: "Yeah?"
The Cancer Man: "Well, did you see him?"
X: "Did I see him?! He was asleep on the damn couch! He almost spotted me!"
The Cancer Man: "Well, I told you to stay out of sight! Did he see you?"
X: "Look man, do you know the difference between 'he almost spotted me' and 'he *did* spot-?!"
The Cancer Man: "STOP FOOLING AROUND! Jeez! Phew. Where is he now?"
X: "I think he's lying on the couch again. Oh s**t, the light just went on!"
[X stealthily peers around the edge of the window. That Guy is on the 'phone, trying to get the number traced.]
That Guy: "But there's gotta be a record of the call! How can there be no record of the call? Why wasn't it logged? I got it just two minutes ago!
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I have no record of any call being received on your line tonight."
That Guy: "What the heck do I pay you guys for?! You stupid bimbo, you can't even...hello? Hello?"
[He stares at the 'phone for a few seconds, scratches himself then turns off the TV and the light and collapses back on to the couch.]
The Cancer Man: "Well? What's going on?"
X: "OK, I think he's gone back to sleep. He probably thought he dreamed it!"
The Cancer Man: "OK! You can do your stuff now!"
[Click. X begins to rig up some apparatus outsideThat Guys window. The Cancer Man calls The Fat Man.]
The Fat Man: "Hel- yes...?"
The Cancer Man: "OK, are you in position? If you are, count to 100 then go do it!"
The Fat Man: "Alright. We're in the elevator. We'll go up now."
[Click]
The Well Manicured Man: "So, who does it? I'm a bit too old to be running around you know..."
The Fat Man: "Yes, I'm a little out of shape myself."
Krychek: "A *little*? For Petes sake...OK, OK, I'll do it...! Man, I wish I was a boss...!"
[He punches a button on the elevator panel. When they arrive at the correct floor]
Krychek: "Make sure you keep this door open for me!"
[Krychek signals the other two to be quiet, then tiptoes down the hallway. He stops outside number 42...]
The Well Manicured Man: "Well, what's he waiting for?"
The Fat Man: "How should I know?"
[Krychek begins to pound on the door with all his might, and shouts...]
Krychek: "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, WHOOOOOOOO, THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!"
[That Guy jerks bolt upright on the couch then lunges for the door, pistol in hand. Krychek runs down the hallway towards the elevator. As he nears it, he sees the doors closing.]
Krychek: "Open the f*****g doors!"
[He catches a last look of dismay on the faces of The Fat Man and The Well Manicured Man as the doors close completely.]
Krychek: "B*****DS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Behind him, he hears That Guys apartment door being hastily opened. He ducks into the stairwell. That Guy, dressed only in a pair of shorts, blinks owlishly down the empty hallway. Suddenly, an intense blue light illuminates his apartment from outside his window. Looking back inside, he can see the outline of a Tic-Tac-Toe game, complete with zeroes and crosses, taped to his window. The door to the stairwell bangs shut, and he decides to give chase, heading for the stairs.]
The Cancer Man: "OK, are the cars ready?"
Deep Throat: "Yes, The Grey Haired Man and The Red Haired Man are waiting for us!"
The Cancer Man: "Right, let's get the hell outta here!"
[They head through the trees towards the road and the waiting cars. Lights are coming on all through the apartment building and shouts can be heard echoing from the stairwell within.]
X: "Hey, wait for me you guys! Where the hell are ya?!"
[X jumps down from the fire escape, and sprints off through the trees. He makes it to the road just as the second car pulls away. He dives in and slams the door behind him. The cars roar 'round to the front of the building, where The Well Manicured Man and The Fat Man are waiting, red-faced and sweating. They quickly clamber in and the cars race off with squealing tires. The sound of their laughter echoes through the empty street.]
The Cancer Man: "Hey, wait a minute, where the hell is Krychek?"
The Fat Man: "He missed his exit..."
The Well Manicured Man: "Yes, it really was most unfortunate."
The Fat Man: "Mmmm, my bad. I forgot to hold the elevator for him."
[They all look at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing again. Behind them, a one-armed man can be seen running along the road, waving frantically, while being chased by a semi naked man. The old guy with the dog watches them run past, and shakes his head in disgust.]
Old Guy: "There goes the neighborhood..."
Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]
1999
duane_barry@altavista.net
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