° Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
° A day without sunshine is like, night.
° On the other hand, you have different fingers.
° I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
° 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
° 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
° I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
° You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
° I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
° Honk if you love peace and quiet.
° Remember half the people you know are below average.
° Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
° Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
° Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
° He who laughs last thinks slowest.
° Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
° Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
° The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
° I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
° I intend to live forever - so far so good.
° Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
° If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
° My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
° Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
° The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
° Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
° When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
° If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
° A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
° Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
° For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
° Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
° Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
° No one is listening until you make a mistake.
° Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
° The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
° The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
° The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
° To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
° To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
° Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
° You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
° Two wrongs are only the beginning.
° The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
° The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
° A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
° Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
° Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
° Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
° Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
° If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
° How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
° Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
° If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
° If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
° Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
° Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
° Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
° A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
° A closed mouth gathers no feet.
° If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
° Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
° My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
° It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
° For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
° If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
° Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
° Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
° A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
° Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
° No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
° A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
° Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
° Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
° Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
° There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
° Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
° By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
° Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
° I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
° Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.