Sensei Seb’s…

NINJATASTIC FIGHTING SCHOOL!

So. You want to be a ninja like me? Damm straight you do! Of course you want to be able to fucking kung-fu people through walls, and of course you want to bust some balls with your hardcore ninjatron skills. It’s not possible to be as good a ninja as me of course, because I just kick too much damm ass. This one time, I kicked this four year old in the head, because he was giving me some sass (if “daddy, does mummy love me?” counts as sass). And this other time I broke into Microsoft and stole windows XP, added loads of crippling bugs, a restrictive desktop, and a shit load of worthless files. They still haven’t noticed. But I digress. Being a ninja is not a piece of piss. Its damm hard. You need to be able to wear black without gathering dust and crumbs, you need to be able to wave your arms and legs about like your having a seizure, and you need to lick some fine ass bitches right in the face with a special licking machine (the bitch licker 5000™)

So step right up to sensei Seb’s Ninjatastic fighting school!

Lesson one

Being a ninja

Right then. If you wanna be a ninja, you got to be prepared to get bread on your hands. DID I SAY BREAD? I MEANT BREAD. So just remember that they chuck a loaf of kingsmill, you chuck it right back.

Lesson two

Don’t be scared to eat your opponent’s arms. This is a guaranteed win, coz you can’t fight without arms

Lesson three

Make sure that the whole room, in which you are ninjaing, is made completely out of the lining of a pigs face.

Lesson four

Fuck all the female ninjas you can, coz women look hot in black

Lesson five

Remember the ninja code “one plus one is two, two plus two is four, four plus four is NINJA!

Lesson six

Get the right size of costume for your testicles, and make sure they stay the same size as your nose. OR YOUR SELF RESPECT!

Lesson seven

Don’t try it

Lesson eight

Remember that the whole point of waving numchucks is to make sure that those god damm “losers” from the “government” don’t “kill” you. And your “wife.” assholes.

Lesson wheelbarrow

When making sure that your ninja skills are tip of the top, don’t eat any cream. Ninjas are allergic to cream. Or at least I am, coz last time I ate cream, this girl said I had a week to live, and then she came out of the cream, and took my still beating heart from my body.

Lesson frinkle

All your ninja are belong to him, not me. Him.

So in conclusion, you will never be as good as me, and I didn’t push that girl down the stairs, I promise.