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| You've just found out. Someone you love and who is close to you Self Injures. This can be a devasting revelation accompanied by many natural feelings, five of which are listed below. Shock Since SI is such a personal matter and often hidden, you are probably shocked to learn that your loved one SI's. This is sometimes the last thing a person would think of their loved one taking part in since it is not spoken of very widely and many do not have an extensive amount of knowledge on this subject. However, upon learning of their SI, everything, all the signs that you may have been ignoring, may seem to "fit together" - as someone once put it to me. Such as (in my case as well) - why they are predominately in long sleeves (even in warm weather), their understanding//connection of movies such as Girl, Interrupted (good movie, if you haven't seen it - I definitely recommend it), and other things of this nature. Anger & Frustration Anger is a common reaction to learning of a loved one's SI. Anger because you do not understand why they would do something like that to themselves, or why the would feel the need to. You may have been lied to by the SIer when you questioned them on their marks and//or scars. Lies indicate distrust, or lack of openness. You may feel anger because they lied to you, or because they did not tell you sooner. Frustration often follows once the realization of your sense of helplessness in the situation has surfaced. You may feel frustration when your attempts to "help" or "save" the SIer has failed. Your inability to stop them or control one's actions can be extremely frustrating. Empathy, Sympathy & Sadness Understanding the emotional pain one is experiencing is wonderful and extremely helpful in helping an SIer. However, it can also cause psychological pain for yourself as well. Empathy is being able to "step into their shoes" or "see the world through their eyes". This is helpful for them, but often brings sadness for you, as you are able to feel some of the emotional pain the SIer is experiencing. You may feel sympathy towards the SIer. You may feel bad for them or pity them and their situation, which can be a condescending view. An SIer may take offense to this. Guilt After learning of a loved one's SI, it is common to feel guilty. You may feel as though you have failed as a parent, partner, or friend. Perhaps you did not offer enough love, affection, or attention. You should have called them more, talked with them more often, spent more time with them. If you had done it differently, they would not be in this situation. It is all your fault. Please. People honestly give themselves too much credit in situations such as these. You do not have the power to force anyone to do anything. Your actions may have contributed to the emotions of the SIer, but they certainly did not force them to do anything. Guilt is not a helpful emotion and will only cause you to feel depressed. Detachment Oh this one sucks. It really does. I've experienced it and it does not make anything any better. You may, upon learning of a loved one's SI, want to, or detatch yourself from that person. You may feel that you cannot deal with this new knowledge, or cannot stand the fact that you can't stop them. So you simply stop seeing them. Talking to them. Knowing them. It may be "too much for you to handle". You may (want to) tell them that unless they stop your relationship is over. This does not help. I wonder if it has ever accured to you this will simply make the SIer feel worse about themselves, and that perhaps they may lie to you - telling you that they have stopped or don't SI anymore, but in all acuality - they do. And your reaction has made it ten times worse. |
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| Our thoughts affect the way we view things. Upon learning of a loved one's SI, you may experience some or all of the following thoughts: "I can't believe you're doing this." "This is all my fault." "You're not who I thought you were." "This changes things." "I can't see you anymore until you get over this." "You just want attention." "You're crazy." Looking at these written down you can obviously see that they are negative thoughts and could negatively influence your emotions and actions. And think - could you imagine saying these things to the SIer? They would be extremely hurt. Try to recognize these thoughts and be in control of them so that you are able to help and continue a positive relationship with your loved one. |
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| This is a very touchy subject (if you hadn't already noticed), and although with most attempts you are simply trying to help - there is a thin line between helpful and hurtful. Do... Be supportive and let the SIer know that no matter what, you will always be there for them. You are here for them if they ever need to talk about anything. Do... Let them know that you love them. This is so important. Don't assume they already know. Tell them. Do... Let them know that you don't understand, or know that much about Self Injury if you don't. But are willing to learn. Be honest with them. Don't pretend to see-all, know-all. Do... Let them know that this does not change things. You do not look at them differently, and they are still the same person you know and love. Don't... Detach yourself. This will make the SIer feel extremely hurt. They will most likely lose their trust in people when it comes to this subject, refrain from telling people altogether, and may even lie to you - saying that they have stopped and are "better" in an effort to save your relationship. Don't... Yell. This will worsen the SIers emotions and make them feel as though no one understands them. Don't... Let this new knowledge change your relationship with the SIer. They are still the same person they have always been. Chances are, they have been Self Injuring for a while, and you just have not known it until now. You didn't look at them differently before, why start now? Don't... Feel guilty. This is not your fault! Don't... Tell them, or think that they are crazy. They are simply coping. They are not crazy. Don't... Tell them they "need (to get) help". Gee, thanks. Don't... Take all sharp objects away from them. This has happened to me before. It's like this - come on now, it's not like I'm going to see a knife and charge for it. Give me a break. Oh yeah, and if they really feel the need to SI, trust me, they will find a way. Don't... Look at their arms or search for marks. Didn't your parents ever teach you "not to stare - it's rude"? Don't... Give them ultimatums. "If you do this - I'm going to do it too!". That puts an unbearable and extremely unfair load on the SIer's shoulders. They do not want you to hurt yourself because of them, but it is an addiction and cannot be stopped just like that. Don't... Warn them about the risks of infections or the scars that may result. That is probably the last of their worries, and okay - they're not stupid. |
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