This is My Life
This page is a collection of writings that deal with personal problems I see within my life.
I'm sorry if anyone takes what is stated within them wrongly, I meant not to offend anyone, but to express how I feel.
Myriad pre-apologies.
Even when you are fully aware of the friends you have who love and care about you, have you ever felt suddely very alone in the world? In the matter of a small moment, everything you know and trust, you suddenly doubt, and there you find yourself trapped. Trapped in an eternal moment of loneliness, doubt, and fear, almost as though a deep black satin pit from your worst nightmare has swallowed you up, vowing to never let you go. Suspended in this moment, time freezes, and the darkness envelopes you. In what seems an inescapable eternity, you feel more lonely, unloved, and afraid than you ever though to be humanly possible. You try to fight it, the loneliness, the pain, the fear, the darkness. But it only fuels the darkness, making it even more inescapable than before. You lose hope, lose faith, lose everything. All you know is that the gap where you know someone should be, your friends, their faces unseen, voices unheard, names unknown, is empty. Where it should be complete, all is a void. Inescapable, unpredictable, unstoppable. Consuming, never letting go. And when you are somehow released from that flash of eternity, all you can do is collapse and cry, praying that someone you know cares would suddenly be there, at your side, holding you in their arms, promising you that everything will be alright. But there never is.

This is My Life
Independence . . . such a simple matter, that which many strive to achieve, but never quite reach. I suppose being independent is a good thing, but is it possible to actually be too independent? I used to be the sort who lived off best-friendship, hanging within my circle of people, and I held a strong hatred for being alone. But now, knowing all that is mere irrelevancies, Iíve found myself alone, and unfortunately therein contented. Losing my best friend shook my world near to itís foundations, though not outwardly, but after a month without, Iíve found her presence endurable, yet not really required. Iím not sure anymore that I want her back, or a best friend for that matter.  As for my circle, I no longer truly enjoy their company. All they really do is get on my nerves with their foolishness, and cause a bother if I so much as look the slightest bit off. Why stay there, if I donít even need them? Also, I previously thrived on the kisses and warm embrace of whomever I claimed as a boyfriend, but after near four months single, I donít miss that either, nor need it back. I fear I may be losing my mind. Itís all so confusing.  I donít understand this mess Iíve made of my world. Have I actually become too independent? Is that a possibility, or pure ludicrousity? Ah, but I shanít ask it of anyone else to answer my questions or help me figure this all out. No oneís ever found decent cause to bother and care before, nor should they have. I can do this on my own.

This is My Life
What do you do when an uncontrollable force overtakes your sanity, and an inescapable void swallows you whole? Should you fight for your life, give up and die, or maybe just accept it? I've made such a choice quite often of late, lest I merely collapse in a mindless heap and cry until not a single tear exists in me any longer, where all the world can see. It kills you inside, to contain your emotions boiling within, until they just take over your mental self, and your body becomes just a lifeless shell. If in fact you actually ever recover from this experience, it pains you severely, and is recalled as though watched from another's eyes. It often becomes a recurrence, each event more painful than the last. If it traps you, death is surely close, but sometimes you just live emptily until another end finds you. This experience, if escaped, is usually but a short moment, but even such a small flash of eternity is enough. It is pure torture, total hell, knowing that everything which keeps you alive hangs in the balance, while your very soul screams out to be spared the excruciating pain. Dare you think you could survive such an experience? I have.

This is My Life
Run away, run away  from the pain...
The Nightmare-Dream

I really donít know where to begin; it started as a normal dream-thing, stupid stuff, unreal,  then it got into creepy shit, overt, symbolic showings of things in life that cause problems, but are hidden in real life. Like, some guys actually had 2 faces, and some people, like Danielle, were misty, like shadows. And Bri was all odd-like, I'm not sure, from vague memories, how to put words to it, but she, she'd change from one to another, different shades of Bri-ness, but they looked different people entirely, but I knew it was her. Oh God, like, a zillion sides of her, okay, exaggeration, but lots. Umm, I don't remember who all was in it, but it seemed I was with my people, and some were shadowy, one was Bri, and some were like, bratty children or other childishness, while still looking themselves, and I remember getting left behind, and they all went off and looked content without me. So I wandered in the rain, and Jen and I fought a lot. I woke up wanting to cry. I can't even remember stupid things, I just remember I felt like it was my fault, and I ran away in the rain, and Bri followed me. She looked just her, that time. Then Jen showed up, and it was like I went out of existence, and everyone came over, and they all left me on her word, like I was invisible. I sank into the rain, became only half-visible, and I wandered. No one even noticed. Yeah, she was like 'let's go do, somethingí and then they left, like I wasnít there. And so I melted, and the world disappeared, and it was red rain then, and I drowned in the blood, and I saw them, and just felt it was my fault, a gut feeling, that they died, all our friends. I don't know, there was no true evidence, just a gut feeling that I was to blame, like, I failed them somehow, or said something  I didn't mean, and they died for it.  And I heard someone above the blood laughing, and I just cried, and died, in their blood. When I woke up, the sheets were soaked with sweat, and I didn't have my contacts in, so the world looked odd, and I just laid in bed, listening to the rain outside and eventually quit feeling psycho. The next night, I feared sleep, and stayed awake as long as possible. When sleep finally caught hold of me, the Nightmare was in mid-run. Suddenly, there were people not seen before in the blood-lake. Shawn was one, run through with a hunting knife, somehow I knew it to be Jason's. Brandon was there, bruised throat telling a tale of choked death more than I could bear. Now I know why I fear to love. They will die, because of me. It's all because of me.

And you all wonder why I wish to avoid people in general some days
Dare to enter the depths of my tormented soul?
Just a theory. . .
   I believe that love is just a figment of our collective imaginations, created to put us closer to happiness, which is a total waste of effort, as I also believe true happiness does not exist. It is an unobtainable goal, one we strive to achieve, but never quite reach. Love is some pretend bit of this that we've only imagined, it is truly just as inexistant as happiness. If love was real, there would be less hate and pain in the world, but the world seems full of both, does it not? If maybe there was less pain and hatred, and love was real, then I suppose happiness could also be real. But that is all completely irrelevant, as there is no such thing as love. And to think that the world has been so decieved by our little minds and believed in these things so long, only for someone to realize it is total bullshit. So many people have wasted their lives trying to find their "happy place," torn apart by the effects of "love," how depressing. If only the  world could see the truth, we could go about much better lives, quit trying to reach the impossible, and be satisfied with what is real.

Theory Continuation...
  While to the majority of this planet's population love is only an illusion, there are a few select sets of people for which love is a reality.  Where most blindly believe, fooled so easily they are, some individuals have learned what love really is.  And should they take the time to learn, and share that knowledge with another, therein true love is born.  But most of the human race is too dense, stubborn, and impatient for all this.  They go about thinking they know what love is at fourteen, or twenty-two, or whatever, and what they think they know is but a shade of the same illusion all have lived by.  These people go around being "in love," and build a life rather haphazardly around it, only to see it all come crashing down on them.  From this myriad of messes, we get unwed mothers, divorced couples, split familes, and so on.  All this shit we see everyday, caused by bit of bullshit so many people believe.  Those of us that have moved past the illusion either live with true love, or with a frozen void, an emptiness inside them, a lack of humanity.  The fortuante are the ones with true love.  For if you can find that, all of life falls into place, and no matter what, you always have the knowledge that love will never desert you.  So you see, love can exist, if you're lucky