NEWS AND VIEWS FOR YEAR OF 1999 FROM RABBIT ISLAND EDITOR, MR. SWEENEY

NATO AIRSTRIKES

For me, the high point of this war came when NATO airstrikes crushed a group of incredibly dangerous Albanian civilians armed with a few shovels, some blankets and two old tractors. Apparently these Albanian Kosovars which included old men, women and children were attempting to seek the safety of the Albanian border! Luckily, NATO airplanes singled them out and managed to decimate them with several bombs. This act of heroism and bravery has defined the war for me in so many ways. Unfortunately, some of the shovel-bearing survivors made it to the border and were able to save thier harmful weapons of mass destruction for another time. Perhaps next time a cruise missile would be more appropriate.

MY GRANDMOTHER

She is doing well. I was talking to her the other day and I said, "Grandmother, why you gotta be SO COLD?" she said "because baby I'M SO OLD! Now get over here so I can hit you with this boot."

EIGHT IS ENOUGH

Where the heck is that kid from Eight is Enough? Why was everyone so damn serious on that show?

OSAMA BIN LADEN

For those of you wrapped up in superstition, numerology and other new age stuff like that you may be interested to note that when it is spelled backwards, Osama Bin Laden's name is Nadelnibamaso which rhymes with "ribs in tobasco". In addition, his name consists of 13 letters. 13 is the only number which, if multiplied by the number 2, equals 26! How's that for fascinating!

BILL CLINTON

Until we get the black helicopters and the United Nations out of America and return this country to the people, for the people and by the people, we're going to have this sort of thing.

THE EMBASSY BOMBINGS

A tragic loss of life. But what bothers me is that nobody talks about spontaneous combustion anymore. Remember when that was the cool thing to talk about after that Stephen King book, Firestarter? Back in the day there were all these news stories about people who could make themselves catch on fire, or who mysteriously, exploded. Strangely enough, the FBI has refused to focus its efforts on this possible cause!

THE FALL OF THE STOCK MARKET

Consider this: for every gun in the world there is at least one bullet. For every bullet there is at least a little gun powder in the bullet. The problem is that people are not using gun powder for it's main purpose - for Fourth of July festivities. It's absolutely splendid in food. Take the gun powder out of the bullets, add some flour, raisins and a dapple of egg yolk and you will have some goooooood stuff! Makes my mouth just water.

FINALLY