THE RABBIT ISLAND EX GIRLFRIEND PAGE

By Jesse Sweeney

It's party time baby!

Have you ever been dumped by your girlfriend? Have you ever caught your girlfriend in bed with your first grade math teacher? Did your girlfriend insist that you stop passing gas around her so you broke up? Do you like donuts? If so, this page is devoted to you!

If your girlfriend tells you she needs some space, buy her some shelves! If she says you're too clingy, buy her some fabric softener! HA HA HA (cough) ... or just break up.

I know you've been there before. You may be there now, but keep your heads up little campers! Here are some ways to get back on your feet in no time!

J. SWEENEY'S 16 WAYS TO BOUNCE BACK AFTER A BREAK-UP
  • Watch fishing television programs where the commentator catches a fish every thirty seconds.

  • Hang out in retirement homes. If the women are over 70, chances are they're single.

  • Go to the mall, buy yourself some shirtsand send them to yourself in the mail marked "Please take me back, love (ex-girlfriend's name)" Make sure your family is around to see you receive the gifts."

  • Go to the Big Beautiful Women annual picnic and wear a shirt that says "Single with Big Mac".

  • Call your ex-girlfriend's answering machine and sing common love songs in Vietnamese.

  • Cover yourself with deer mating scent and take to the forest!

  • Hang out in the bra section at your local department store and ask women if they would like to try your new 'one-size-fits-all-hand-shaped-breast-holders'.

  • Join a divorced women's support group and hit on all the attendants.

  • Beat up your neighbor's cat.

  • Go lawn riding (for best results, wait until it has rained for a long time and spin your tires in someone's yard).

  • Call the Slim Jim corporation and request all commercials with Macho Man Randy Savage. Then play the tapes every morning before you leave your house.

  • Go to an antiques store and smash all the china while yelling "time to make the donuts!".

  • Start your very own pencil collection.

  • Move to Utah, start your very own a polygamist cult called the MorWomens.

  • Impress the ladies: learn how to floss your teeth with fishing line.

  • Kidnap toddlers and hang out with them at the mall. Girls really dig guys with children.

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