Hello! This section is dedicated to my all the left-wing Dean supporting deer hunter in Michigan. That would be me, Jesse Sweeney.

What could be wrong about deer hunting? I live in Michigan, which is populated by thousands of deer hunters. I was raised in this State, but a lot of the blue collar friends and family I grew up with have derided me as a liberal sellout. They say once I went to college I lost my roots. Therefore I have decided to prove them wrong! What better way to become a man of the people than by deer hunting? Last night I saw Michigan Outdoors. I watched a deer in someone’s back yard lick branches, scrape the earth and urinate. It was inspiring. I do the same thing after 3 beers! Lets talk about deer hunting and deer hunters.

Many of them like to eat the meat of the deer.

Some of them turn it into chili.

Light my way to the Paris Hilton sex tape my deer friend!

Here we see deer being 'stretched' so that they can run faster at passing cars!

No matter what they do, most deer hunters have a strange native dialect indicative of Michigan backwoods upbringing (and perhaps the taste of the chilli!). I’ve been practicing this dialect by writing things like this: ‘I caught dat 5 point down by da lake I sat all day in da same spot for twenty hours den I shot at it’. Deer hunting takes a lot of patience. You have to wait for hours in the same spot getting cold and maybe dying of a serious illness like crabs or polio.

In this picture, we see naked Mascedonians frolicking joyfully with the deer before stabbing them with plastic Playdoe(c) knives!

I will be one of the few animal-rights, liberal deer hunters in this state and I need to reinvent the hunt. Here are some ideas for improving the deer hunt.

1. Shoot the deer and let it nap there - Why drag the stupid thing through the woods? Why deal with the hassle of mounting it on your Volkswagen Beatle or Honda Hybrid? Just let it be and allow someone else to eat it, like beetles and birds!

2. Machine guns - I know there are rules about certain types of guns. But this is about population control of the deer right? Well then, why not use the best that technology has to offer? Lets bring out the AK-47, the M 16! Heck, why not use mortar shells and napalm?! First, scrub the forests of trees by getting the lumber industry to take what is rightfully theirs, then where will the deer hide? In buildings? Kill the deer! Kill kill kill!!

3. Drive-by Deer shootings - How many times have you delighted at seeing deer in the woods grazing on weeds? Those weeds have feelings too. Time to pull out your sawed-off shotgun and give that deer something to eat!

4. Mines - See the deer bounding through the woods. See the deer step on a mine. See the deer parts blasted all over. WARNING: Hunter’s orange does not prevent serious injury from deermines.

5. Carpet bombing - It worked in Vietnam for ridding Vietnam of innocent civilians. Why not try it to rid our forests of the vermin called deer? When was the last time a deer did something nice for you on Valentines Day or Kwanza? Lets get them!