A question that people have frequently asked me is precisely why I want to teach English, especially in Japan And as anyone who's ever asked that question knows, I have no real answer beyond 'it sounds interesting to me.' Well I've got an answer for you all now. It's because I'm a lone wolf. And I don't mean that in the, 'grr, I'm a nasty badass who makes his own rules and answers to nobody.' I mean that in the 'outcast of a normally group orientated species of animal due to mental or temperamental defect.' Back home I'm a permanent outsider, partially by choice, partially by that is just the only way I know how to get along. One of the things that turned me into thinking about teaching abroad is the fact that there is simply nothing I can think of back home that I would be good at, or enjoy doing for the rest of my life. What I'd really like is to be just alone to live on my own terms for the duration of my existence, but unfortunately, since also want my existence to be full of AC, computers, gizmos, and other expensive amenities, living in a shack in the woods with no income (more importantly, no AC) is just not going to cut it. Now, I find that I like explaining how to work the English language, and for the way I live, the pay given my the various programs is decent to good, so that seemed like an appealing option. Why Japan? Because for some reason the Orient has always held appeal to me, Japan especially (this far predates my interest in anime, for those wondering). And in Japan, merely by the fact of my existence there, I am an outsider, and thus merely by being myself I actually fit into the natural order of things.

Perhaps part of my current melancholy is that I had to bike to school through the leading edge of a typhoon (it's supposed to hit the area full strength around six pm or so) and spent a good portion of the day damp and cranky. Dougs are much like cats in that they love watching the rain through windows, but when it comes to actually going out and getting wet in it they're going to spend a long time being bitter and unpleasant about it.

Another reason is (and I hope that Uncle John is reading this) my laptop seems to be going to hell. Over the past couple of days I've noticed that the screen would occasionally flicker. I couldn't find a cause (it happened both when running off the battery, and when plugged in) and it was never frequent enough to really concern me. Well, now it concerns me, because my screen has developed the tendency to black out completely. It happens every few minutes when running off the battery, but only a couple times when plugged in. I can get it to come back either by shutting my Iaptop and then opening it back up, or putting it to sleep and the starting it back up. I can't find any problem in the settings (maybe it has something to do with heat, because it has been really nasty here the last few days).

The final reason for my current ill humor would be the fact that I completely screwed up observing Kenta's English class today. I made it home in time (I needed to come home a couple hours early) but the problem was that I simply couldn't go over to the school and walk in. At first I wondered if I had gotten the time wrong, because there was no one around the house, but then I remembered that they were all at school. At which point the crushing realization hit me: I would have to walk down the street, into the school, and find the classroom, relying on nothing but my intelligence and rugged good looks to get by on.

You can see why I was intimidated.

And so I sat like a moron in the kitchen, sweating myself silly over the thought of having to do this on my own, and desperately hoping that someone was going to show up and lead me by my fucking hand (well, I got to say 'fuck' in today's entry, although I had a completely different and much more amusing usage in mind maybe tomorrow) until it was just plain too late. So naturally now I am indulging in a selfish and silly bout of intense self hate.

Situational update: I'm feeling much better now, although really, I don't want to put a whole page of angst to waste by erasing it (although it would've been nice if I could have channeled it to better ends, like that utterly depressing screen play I've been fiddling around with). What picked me up was talking with Otousan and Okaason. I explained to them that I had ended up running late, and when I was the only one here, wasn't sure what to do. Part one of why this made me feel better was that I was able to convey the whole thing in Japanese. Part two was when they told me it was okay, and that because of my goof the world wasn't going to end. And basically, the conversation ended with them calling me 'good people.'

Update: My laptop just died, more or less. Whatever provides the back-lighting to the monitor kicked off, so if the light is really good, I can kind of make out what is on the screen. Subsequently, I am really pissed off. (I'm actually writing this on Thursday, just before I upload today's entry). I can get around this at the Center by connecting my laptop to one of the school monitors, but there is no computer back home, leaving me SOL. I'm not quite sure how I'd do things (like my journal) if I can't use my computer at home, because I only have so much time at the Center. So, that's why these two posts are so poorly proofed. I'm in a hurry and the technical problems seem to be mounting.

I suppose I'll keep people updated.