Itinerant Press Productions Presents:
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Misplaced Science Theater #5
Fallen Angel: Part 2 (copyrighted to K .A. Francis.)
Neon Genesis Evangelion (copyrighted to Gainax)
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Scene: [A set of rooms, deep within a secret laboratory, itself hidden deep
beneath the arctic circle (owned by Dr. Immaculate Crappums, card carrying
member of the Brotherhood of Really Evil Scientists; currently under the
domination of Futoru Debuketsu, grotesque emobidment of appetite incarnate).
The rooms in question are sealed behind three impenetrable titanium airlocks, a
series of deathtraps deactivated by a twenty syllable nonsense word changed
daily, and guarded by a rabid and toothachey wombat named Biff.]
[It is currently early in the a.m, the room's inhabitants all snoozing
peacefully.]
[the screens all over the apartment snap to life, filled by an obscene
close up of Debuketsu's pudgy, crumb stewn face.]
Debuketsu: Wakey wakey kiddies! It's time for another fic!
Dom: *blearily looks up from the couch* Do you have any idea what time it is?
Debuketsu: Of course I do. It's time to start a new experiment. Now all of you
wake up and get onto that couch this instant, or I start piping in the theme to
'Panda ko-panda.'
Dr. C: *kicks off his blanket and crawls out of the bathtub* I hate you.
Debuketsu: Excellent, excellent! That's exactly the attitude I'm looking for.
[wastes no time at all in starting up the fic-o-matic]
Dom: I swear that fat bastard is trying to kill us.
T-chan: Screw this, I'm going back to sleep.
Dom: Sounds like a plan to me.
[all three glance around surreptitiously before settling back against the couch
and closing their eyes].
*ZAAAAAP!*
[all three jump off the couch, clutching smoking posteriors and shouting]
Debuketsu: If anyone needs another shot of wakeup juice, I'd be happy to
provide it. No one? Well in that case, I think we'll get started with the fic.
> NEON GENESIS EVANGELION FAN FICTION - FALLEN ANGEL
Dr. C: Sacrifice the series' integrity to gain +2/+1. 0: Emit aura of smooth
until the end of turn.
Dom: Yeah, it figures that you _would_ play Magic: The Gathering.
T-chan: It is too damn early for Eva.
Dr. C: There's always time for Eva.
Dom: 1644?
Dr. C: Shut up.
> Neon Genesis Evangelion, Project EVA, and characters (c) Yoshiyuki
> Sadamoto/Hideaki Anno/Gainax 1995
T-chan: Who are probably all rolling over in there collective graves right now.
Dom: But I don't think that any of them are dead.
Dr. C: That can be easily changed.
>
> Original characters (c) K .A. Francis 2000
>
> STAGE 02
> THE FIRST/CHILD ZERO
>
> "How is the Unit-D project progressing?" Gendoh asked impatiently.
T-chan: [Gendo] Is it done yet?
Dr. C: [Tech] No.
T-chan: [Gendo] How about now?
Dr. C: [Tech] No.
T-chan: [Gendo] Why isn't it done yet? I want the Eva now! Now now now!
> "It's coming on quite well, sir," a technician answered enthusiastically,
> indicating a monitor screen.
Dom: I thought that Unit-D was already done. In fact, I believe it was done to
the point where it went out and played 'kick the can' with the other Eva's
heads.
> "It's theoretically possible to initiate synchronization in another sector of
> the brain besides A10, but were unsure of what the side effects might be."
T-chan: words...
Dom: Lotta words...
> "What about the pilot?"
> "He is stable sir, all conditions are green."
> "Good," Gendoh said. "Begin synchronization tests in sectors B10 through C30."
Dr. C: I hope you've been taking notes, because there will be a test on all of
this.
T-chan: Look out! [digs his claws into the couch, which suddenly flips over,
sending Dom and Dr. C flying across the room]
Dr. C: What the hell was that?
Dom: Abrupt change of scene.
>
> As the members of NERV's staff stood in collective disbelief,
Dom: -that they were letting a DJ Croft wannabe walk all over them.
> Christopher continued his conversation with Commander Ikari.
> "Why have you come here?"
> "It should be simple, even for you Commander."
T-chan: Ooh, harsh.
Dom: C'mon Gendo, lay down the law! Show that kid who's boss.
T-chan: [Gendo] Hey bitch, come and get it! Who's your daddy!
Dom: [Shinji] *weakly raises his hand* um... you are?
T-chan: No... the _other_ little bitch
> Christopher answered. "I want to fulfil the purpose I was born for.
Dr. C: In that case shouldn't he be bending over and grabbing his ankles?
[ZAP!]
> To pilot the EVA and destroy the Angels."
> "I see you have achieved part of your purpose already," Gendoh noted. "By
> achieving full synchronization with the Daedalus Unit. But what makes you
> think you can be of any use to me."
T-chan: [Christopher] Cause I've got a lord almighty kickass Eva.
Dom: [Gendo] Is that all?
T-chan: [Christopher] It also does _not_ have a blood red hawk on its chest.
>
> "Come now," Christopher grinned.
T-chan: Gyah! The little freak _is_ related to Issei!
>"Already I've demonstrated that your standard EVA's are inferior compared with
>mine. Its common sense that I should work for you. Besides, it would be a waste
>if I decided to join the side of the Angels and reduce NERV and humanity to a
>mere memory."
Dr. C: I can think of at least two things wrong with that plan, but it would
also mean that we'd be rid of Christopher.
T-chan: I don't see what the problem is. The apocalypse arrives ahead of
schedule and the fic ends early. Win win for all involved.
Dom: Well, since Christopher was partly cloned from Issei the world merely
ending might not be enough to stop him. The world gets blown up at the end of
'Hellstorm' but that doesn't stop Issei from going and writing two sequels.
T-chan: How the hell do you know this?
Dom: Umm... I read it on the Internet?
Dr. C: And if you read it on the Internet, it _must_ be true.
Dom: Some things are too horrendous to lie about.
> "Daedalus Unit?" Misato piped up in utter bewilderment. "What the hell is
> that? Is that that black EVA out there?"
Dom: No, it's that _other_ unstoppable Eva piloted by that _other_ annoying
uberkid.
T-chan: Tom Dyron and Unit-03?
Dom: No.
T-chan: Lisa Foster and Unit-04?
Dom: No.
T_chan: Matt Blake and Unit-05c?
Dom: No.
T-chan: Terrence St. John and Unit-06?
Dr. C: Hey!
> "You will be given the details as I see fit, Major Katsuragi." Ikari stated
> coldly.
T-chan: [Gendo] Silence bitch!
Dom: [Misato] Yes sir, I'll be good sir.
> "So what is it going to be, Commander?" Christopher asked impatiently.
Dom: [Christopher, game show host] Do you want what's behind door #3, or will
you risk the mystery box?
T-chan: [Gendo] I'll take the box.
> "Doctor Akagi," Gendoh began. "Instate Christopher as an EVA pilot and escort
> him to the test chamber."
Dr. C: [Gendo] -and never let him out again.
> "Yes sir," Ritsuko nodded with reluctance audible in her voice, and turned to
> Christopher.
> "Come this way."
T-chan: Man, they really regulate everything you do at NERV.
Dom: That was really sick, even for you.
> Christopher nodded and followed her out of the command centre. As he got to
> the door, he turned and looked back at Commander Ikari. Christopher smiled
> warmly at him, a smile that meant
Dr. C: -I'm going to jump rope with your intestines.
> "Thank you."
>
> "So this is NERV,"
Dom: [Christopher] Jim's place is bigger.
> Christopher said as he and Ritsuko walked down a corridor toward the synchro
> test area. "It doesn't seem much different from GEHIRN."
Dom: And just how does he know anything about GEHIRN?
Dr. C: [pulls a pamphlet out of his jacket] He probably read this, 'An Avatar's
Guide to Evangelion.'
T-chan: [dangerously] And just what are you doing with a copy?
Dr. C: [holds the pamphlet by its spine, causing several fold-outs to flip
out]. It includes some great pin-ups. Misato, Asuka, Maya-
T-chan: [grabs the pamphlet] Let me see! Oh wow, Rei-chan... Shinji? [starts
laughing]
Dr. C: Issei must've been one of the consulting editors.
Dom: What's so funny?
T-chan: [laughing] T-toothpicks...
> "NERV is a para-military organization funded by the UN." Ritsuko informed him.
> "GEHIRN was just a research and development facility for the Evangelions."
> "I see. There are many more people here as well. I like Major Katsuragi; she's
> very beautiful.
Dom: [Christopher] I shall bed her in a chapter or two. I don't like you,
therefore you shall never get to sleep with me.
T-chan: [Ritsuko, blandly] How will I ever live with the disappointment? In
fact, you have depressed me so much that I'm going to have to go and shoot you
in the head now.
Dr. C: [Christopher] Don't you mean 'shoot yourself in the head?'
T-chan: [Ritsuko] No, I like my way better.
> You're a lot better than her though, but I preferred you when you had brown
> hair."
Dom: [Christopher] Stop dying your hair immediately and I just might be able to
fit you into my schedule.
T-chan: [Maya, whispering] Did you see Sempai? She'd shaved herself completely
bald!
> "Thank you," Ritsuko muttered, not really listening.
Dom: Ignore the avatar, and if you're really lucky he might just go away.
> A few minutes later, they reached the synchro test area. Ritsuko moved over to
> a bank of computers and began setting up a synchro test.
> "Go through that door over there," Ritsuko instructed, pointing to a door on
> Christopher's left.
Dom: [Christopher] But it says 'Incinerator.'
Dr. C: [Ritsuko] That's...uh... Japanese for 'Synchro Test Chamber.' Really.
> "Okay," Christopher replied cheerfully. He emerged into a simple locker room.
> "Okay Christopher," Ritsuko's voice came over a speaker. "We're going to run
Dr. C: -about six thousand volts through your skull. I hope you don't mind.
> some synchronization tests with you. Inside a locker you'll find a plug suit
> and a set of neural transceivers. Change into them if you please."
> "Okay."
> Christopher took a plug suit from one of the lockers; one that was identical
> to Shinji's, and began to change. He picked up the neural transceivers,
> studying them closely.
> "What are these for?" he asked.
Dr. C: Well, bend over, turn them sideways, and shove them up your AHHH! [gets
zapped again]
Debuketsu: I warned you.
Dr. C: [weakly] It was worth it.
> "Those are neural transceivers," Ritsuko told him. "They transmit your
> brainwaves to the EVA to enable synchronization. Haven't you ever used them?"
> "No," Christopher replied. "I just sit in the seat and I can synchronize."
Dr. C: Well aren't you special.
Dom: No, that would be Jon.
> "Well then," Ritsuko continued. "If you'll pass through the door on your right
> you'll find a EVA command chair. Go sit in it and we'll load you into the test
> plug."
Dom: [Ritsuko] Oh, did I say test plug? I meant catapult.
> "Okay."
>
> "That little twerp!!!" Asuka screamed in furious anger
T-chan: The best kind.
Dom: That's just a bit repetitively redundant.
Dr. C: Brought to you courtesy of Elmer Studios Department of Redundancy
Department.
> as she emerged from her entry plug. EVA Unit-02 stood restrained in its
> holding cage, the damage inflicted by Christopher's EVA Unit still visible on
> its neck. Across from her, the battered Unit-01 was being lowered into its
> cage.
T-chan: [reading] Do not Feed the Evas.
> "I swear when I see that little dork,"
Dr. C: We all do.
> Asuka fumed as she watched the medics remove an unconscious Shinji from his
> entry plug.
> "I'll kill him!!!"
T-chan: Normally I'd just tell Asuka to go sit on a tack, but in this case, you
go girl!
> "Okay that's enough now, Christopher." Ritsuko's calm voice sounded in his
> test plug. "You can get out now."
> "If it's alright with you," Christopher's voice came over the speaker. "I'd
> just like to sit in here a little while longer. I like it here."
Dom: You know, it disturbs me that he seems to like wearing a tight latex body
suit while being completely immersed in a warm viscous liquid.
> "If you like."
> "Ma'am," First Lieutenant Maya Ibuki called out from her terminal. "I think
> there is a problem."
> "What is it?" Ritsuko inquired, leaning on Maya's chair.
Dom: [Maya] It's about five foot ten, has brown hair, and wears natural fibers
in LCL.
> "Its his synch ratio, Ma'am," Ibuki replied. "We've loaded him into the test
> bodies for EVAs 00 through 02 and his synch ratio was less that ten percent
> for each of them."
> "So he can't synch with any other EVA?" Ritsuko mused.
> "What's up?" Christopher asked over the speakers. "Is something wrong?"
Dr. C: [Ritsuko] Yes, but we doubt that you're going away any time soon.
> "Unfortunately your synch ratio is too low with the other EVAs at the moment."
> Ritsuko told him.
> "I guess the only EVA I can use is my own." Christopher smiled weakly and
> shrugged his shoulders.
Dr. C: Well I'll be damned-
T-chan: Again.
Dr. C: -an avatar with a failing.
Dom: Albeit one of those failings that doesn't matter.
>
> "1.8 to borderline." A technician announced.
> In the observation booth, Yui
T-chan: Isn't she supposed to be dead?
Dom: Dissolved.
T-chan: That's pretty dead in my book.
> and Gendoh Ikari watched as Christopher undertook a synch test with the EVA
> Daedalus. Out in the holding chamber, the Daedalus stood restrained, silently
> awaiting commands.
> "How do you feel Christopher?" Yui asked over the speakers.
> "It feels weird, Mrs. Ikari." Christopher answered. "Like there is a tingling
> sensation in my brain."
Dr. C: Those are just the worms. Don't worry, they'll finish devouring your
pain receptors shortly.
> "Proceed to step 113 of the synchronization process." Gendoh ordered.
T-chan: [tech] Understood. Double chocolate dip commencing.
> A technician entered a series of commands on her console, and various lights
> lit up on the EVA status display.
Dom: It's Christmas time at NERV.
> "Borderline is clear. Unit-D is activated."
> "How do you feel now?" Yui asked.
> "It feels like the EVA is part of my body." Christopher said in surprise.
Dr. C: I just had a thought.
T-chan: That's frightening.
Dr. C: Now, once you reach a certain synch ratio, you feel the Eva as if it
were your own body, right? Whatever the eva feels, whatever it has, you feel.
T-chan: So, what's your point?
Dr. C: Aren't the Evas all female?
T-chan: So w-... [crosses his legs] Oh. That's... really disturbing.
Dom: Explains a lot about Shinji though.
> As if in answer to his statement, Unit-D raised its left hand and waved at
> Yui.
> "You're doing well, Christopher." Yui laughed. "Keep working at it."
> Next to Yui, a three-year-old Shinji gazed at the Daedalus in wonderment.
Dr. C: These scenes out of nowhere are flashbacks. It's all starting to make
sense now.
T-chan: Well, that does help explain the abrupt scene changes, but it wouldn't
hurt if the author bothered to tell just when it is we're viewing.
Dr. C: Eh, adequate narrative is overrated.
Dom: Eva-R, now there was a fic that knew how to handle its flashbacks.
T-chan: Or The Gospel of Malachel.
Dr. C: Could you try to be just a little subtle with those plugs?
>
> Slowly opening his eyes, Shinji saw the soft face of Rei Ayanami looking down
> at him. He propped himself on his elbows and sat up.
> "How are you feeling, Ikari?" Rei asked softly.
Dom: [Shinji] Like I just got stomped on by an uberkid.
Dr. C: [Rei] Eh, these things happen.
> "I'm okay I guess," Shinji answered meekly. "How's Asuka?"
T-chan: Chewing the carpet in a blind fury. You know, the usual.
> "The Second Child did not sustain any serious injuries."
> "What happened to that other EVA?"
> "It is in the Eighth Cage," Rei told him. "We are due to meet the pilot at
> 1700 hours today."
> "You mean, he's the Fourth Child?"
Dr. C: I think Touji might have some issues with that.
Dom: Hey, if it means that Christopher ends up as gimp of the week instead of
Touji, I'm all for it.
> "I do not know."
>
> Now dressed in a typical Japanese school uniform, Christopher
T-chan: [snickers]
Dom: What's so funny?
T-chan: They gave him a fuku.
> awaited the arrival of the other Children. He gazed down through the clear
> glass floor of the room, captured by the sheer awe of the Geofront's size.
Dr. C: I can see my house from here.
> After a few minutes the door to the room opened. Major Katsuragi entered,
> followed closely by Ryoji Kaji and the Children.
> "Before we start," Christopher said. "I'd like to apologize for all the
> trouble I caused you all. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone but it was the only way I
> could gain Commander Ikari's attention."
Dr. C: *shakes his head* Classic case of misplaced aggression.
> Christopher bowed his head in apology as Kaji approached him and placed his
> hand on his shoulder.
> "Don't worry," Kaji quipped. "Katsuragi here can handle anything! What's your
> name?"
> "Christopher."
> "I'm Kaji,
T-chan: -you wanna be my bitch?
> and you've already met Katsuragi right?"
> "That's right," Christopher said as he walked toward the three other EVA
> pilots "You three must be the Children."
T-chan: Snap, Krackle, and Pop.
> "This is Rei, Asuka and Shinji," Misato introduced each child in turn. "Kids,
> this is Christopher."
> "Nice to meet you," Rei nodded.
> "Hello," said Shinji.
> Asuka didn't say anything, and merely smirked.
Dr. C: The folks down in Ordinance had wondered what she planned on doing with
three tons of C-4 and a roll of duct tape.
>
> "Are you sure this is wise, Ikari? To bring him back could invite destruction
> upon us all."
> "Christopher's power is a lesser threat to us now," Ikari said in response to
> Fuyutsuki's fears. "Now that Unit-01 is beginning to awaken."
T-chan: Nope, sorry, I still don't see where he's getting his confidence.
Dom: Maybe when he holds his hands in front of his face like that, he's
actually snorting coke.
> "The old men at SEELE will surely be upset at this new addition to their
> schedule," Fuyutsuki chuckled. "They may try to attack us."
Dom: [Fuyutsuki] I am greatly amused by the prospect of imminent annihilation.
> That is the sole reason why Christopher and the Daedalus were created," Ikari
> spoke. "To destroy SEELE should they interfere.
Dr. C: Should I even begin to tell you what's wrong with that statement?
T-chan: Please don't.
> Once SEELE is gone, I will have Unit-01 destroy Unit-D and Christopher."
T-chan: Given how handily Daed-le-o whupped the other Evas, I'd like to see just
where Gendo is getting his confidence.
Dr. C: A little vial marked 'happy dirt.'
> "So how should we implement Christopher with the other Children?" Fuyutsuki
> asked. "Should we report him to the UN and SEELE as being the Fourth Child?"
> "Christopher will be designated as Child Zero," Ikari replied. "He will only
> be used should the other Evangelions be disabled or lost."
> "What about Units-03 and 04?"
> "They are almost complete. All we require is a status report on the S2 Engine
> installation process."
Dom: [Gendo] So be a luv and run down to the 7-11 and pick us up a couple.
T-chan: No, see, they just need a report.
Dr. C: As I said before, there will be a test on all of this.
>
> The next day, Shinji, Asuka and Rei were making their way to school.
> "What do you think of the new Pilot?" Shinji asked his two colleagues.
> "He seems very friendly," Rei said.
> "He's a jerk!" Asuka snapped.
> "Why don't you like him Asuka?" Shinji inquired. "I know he fought with us,
> but he said he was sorry."
> "I don't care!" Asuka screamed, running off ahead.
T-chan: I thought Asuka didn't become unhinged until the second half of the
series.
Dr. C: Having an avatar around will do that to you.
> "What's with her?" Shinji asked rhetorically
> "Perhaps she is angry that the new pilot defeated her in battle," Rei replied.
> "That sounds just like her."
T-chan: He broke your face, it's okay to be grumpy about that for at least a
day or two.
Dr. C: Someone really needs to enlighten Shinji to the benefits of holding a
grudge.
Dom: Let's play a game. It's called 'guess who the author doesn't like.'
T-chan: [waves his hand] Oh! Oh! I know! I know!
Dr. C: I'm getting a feeling of déjà vu here.
>
> The schoolyard was a hive of activity as the students enjoyed their lunch
> break. Sitting alone, Christopher slowly chewed his way through his sandwich
Dr. C: Wondering why it tasted like shoe leather.
T-chan: Misato must've made it for him.
Dr. C: She's trying to poison the avatar. She's more clever than she looks.
T-chan: That's saying a lot.
Dom: Hey!
> when he caught a glimpse of Asuka walking past out of the corner of his eye.
> "Hey Sohryu!" Christopher shouted.
> Asuka turned in answer to the call, but when she identified Christopher as the
> caller of her name,
T-chan: In this scene, the part of the narrator will be played by Mojo Jojo.
> she decided to ignore him and carry on to her destination.
> "Sohryu! Wait!"
> Christopher leapt from his seat and ran to catch up with Asuka.
T-chan: Eva-mon! Gotta catch 'em all!
Dr. C: Pardon me a moment. *grabs Patrick and then belts T-chan in the head
with him*
T-chan: Haaaappy...
Dom: Maybe that's why Gendo been so toked up recently. Patrick's been two-
timing.
> "Listen Sohryu," Christopher began. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier,
> but I just want to be friends."
> "What makes you think I want to have a jerk like you as a friend?" Asuka
> snapped.
Dom: _I_ like to be friends with people who beat the living beejeezus out of me,
and then insult my intelligence.
T-chan: *punches Dom in the gut and flips him over the couch* That's just
because you're a moron.
> "I don't have any friends," Christopher said regrettably.
Dr. C: Shock and surprise.
Dom: Surprise and shock.
T-chan: Amazement and constipation.
Dr. C: Consternation.
T-chan: Whatever.
> "I have no family, I just want someone to talk to, that's all."
> "Do you expect me to show you sympathy?!" Asuka sneered sarcastically. "And
> stop calling me Sohryu!
Rebecca: [Asuka] You shall address me as Her majesty Generalissimo Asuka
Langley Sohryu the First, heir to the throne of Essex and future queen of the
universe, oh bear of little brains. *promptly vanishes*
Dr. C: Where the hell do these people keep coming from?
T-chan: Someplace where it's perfectly normal to hear Asuka quoting Winnie the
Pooh.
Dom: Stranger things have happened.
T-chan: Oh yeah, like what?
Dom: Gapos, Ramamamamama, Dyron, Beckett, Rick-
Dr. C: Alright alright, I get your point.
> My name is Asuka!"
Dom: You killed my father! Prepare to die!
> "Thank you," Christopher smiled before turning to walk away.
> " What do you mean 'thank you'?"
T-chan: For the panty flash.
Dom: You know, an expression of gratitude.
> " For telling me your name." Christopher replied.
>
> "Hello Mrs Ikari!" Christopher called as Yui entered the GEHIRN canteen.
[All three are plastered to the wall by the sudden scene shift]
T-chan: [dazedly] I'm think we should get hazard pay for watching this.
Dom: I think we should get paid, period.
Dr. C: If we ever get out of here, I'll see what I can do.
> Trailing at her heels was the three year old Shinji, dressed in a little
> striped T-shirt and shorts.
T-chan: His mother dresses him funny.
Dom: I dare you to say that to her face.
T_chan: She's dead, I'm not so worried about that.
Dr C: I think that Unit-01 might want to argue the point with you.
> "Hello Christopher," Yui smiled as she sat down next to him and pulled Shinji
> up to sit on her lap.
> "Is this your son, Mrs Ikari?" Christopher asked.
Dr. C: [Yui] Mine? Oh no, I just have a very strange form of kleptomania.
> "You can call me Yui," Yui said. "This my son Shinji."
> "Hello Shinji," Christopher greeted, gently shaking Shinji's little hand. "I'm
> Christopher."
> "Chris...to...pher!" Shinji giggled.
Dom: I'm getting the feeling that Christopher is older than fourteen here.
T-chan: Well, he's a clone, so I guess that makes it all okay.
Dom: I'm confused now. Christopher seems to be out in the open air, happy as a
chipmunk in a peanut factory, but wasn't he in the clone tank when he was
'killed?' What did they do, dunk him back in on a regular basis?
T-chan: Works for me. [Gendo] Bad clone! Now get back in your test tube and
think about what you've done.
Dr. C: I've got the terrible feeling that it's going to turn out that he was
supposed to be Rei, and then when he didn't work out, that's when Rei became
Rei.
Dom: It's times like this where get the feeling that all the pain and horror in
Evangelion could've been averted if someone had just handed these people a
Dreamcast and a copy of 'Seaman.'
> "He looks like his father," Christopher noted. "But he has your eyes."
Dr. C: At this point I'd like to point that the purpose of doing scene jumps
like that is to illustrate the meaning of an event in the previous scene. At no
point in this scene are we illuminated as to why being given someone's first
name is so important to him. So, if a flashback does not contain that
illustrative point, there's no reason to have it in the first place!
Dom: Wow, nice rant.
T-chan: I think the whiplash from the scene changes is making him cranky.
>
> "Christopher..."
> Christopher looked up from his desk to see Shinji standing next to him.
> "Shinji," Christopher muttered under his breath.
Dom: Christopher.
T-chan: Shinji.
Dom: Christopher.
T-chan: Shinji.
Dom: Snoogy.
T-chan: Pookums.
Dr. C: *picks up Patrick and smacks them both* That is _quite_ enough of that.
> "I was just wondering how you were getting on." Shinji told him. "If you need
> help with something, I can help you."
> "Would that be to do with school or with EVA piloting?" Christopher asked.
> "With school, of course." Shinji said. "I'm sure you don't need me to tell you
> how to pilot an EVA."
> "Listen to me Shinji," Christopher interrupted. "You shouldn't be even
> speaking to me."
> "Why not?" a surprised and baffled Shinji asked. "I don't understand."
Dr. C: I always get surprised and baffled too when people interrupt me when I'm
not actually talking.
> "Believe me," Christopher continued. "You don't want to understand. If you
> knew what I done, every part of you would hate me. You would probably try to
> kill me."
Dom: Sounds like a good idea to me.
T-chan: [Christopher] I dug up your great-grandmother's grave and had my way
with her. Choice piece of ass, your great grandma.
> Shinji stood bewildered as Christopher rose from his seat and left the room.
Dr. C: Apparently, no one ever bothered to tell Christopher the benefit of
knowing that there are certain times when one keeps one's mouth shut.
>
> After school Shinji, Touji and Kensuke walked through the city of Tokyo-3 on
> their way home.
Dr. C: Wow, I'm glad he told us that. I thought we were in Aubudahbi for a
moment there.
> "Whadda ya think of dat new kid?" Toji asked the others in his Osaka accent.
T-chan: [Kensuke] A bit on the stringy side. We should've boiled him longer.
> "Maybe he's a EVA pilot," Kensuke voiced his opinion.
> "Yeah, mebbe..." Toji said.
> "I wonder what EVA he's going to pilot. Maybe it's Unit-03 or 04." Kensuke
> mused. "What do you think Shinji?"
Dom: [Kensuke] I'm sure that that strange and enigmatic new kid certainly
_isn't_ going to pilot that strange and enigmatic Eva that wandered into town
the other day.
> Shinji was totally oblivious to the conversation. What Christopher had said to
> him played on his mind and he could think of nothing else.
> "Shinji! Hey Shinji!"
Dr. C: [Touji] Busy street Shinji! 'Don't Walk' sign Shinji!
> Touji playfully slapped Shinji on the back of the head, knocking him out of
> his thoughts.
> "What was that for?" Shinji whined, rubbing his head.
> "We're talkin' to ya, ya know!" Touji shouted. "Whassup
T-chan: Wassup!
Dom: Wassss-up!
Dr. C: Wassup!
Debuketsu: Stop that!
All: Wasabi!
[ZAP!]
> wit' you? Ya dreamin or sumthin'?"
> "I've got things on my mind,"
Dom: Hair mostly. A little bit of skull.
> Shinji said quietly. "I'll see you guys later."
> With that, Shinji walked off, leaving Kensuke and Touji standing in the
> street.
>
T-chan: SCREECH! THUNK!
> "What's up Shinji," Misato asked over the table. "You haven't touched your
> food."
Dr. C: Probably because she's the one who cooked it.
> Shinji sat at the table, absent-mindedly poking his fork in the TV dinner
> Misato made for him.
Dr. C: Good call.
Dom: He'd eat it if there was some way to discern between the food and the
serving tray.
> "Do you know anything about NERV while my mother was there, Misato?" Shinji
> asked.
T-chan: Wasn't Misato still in college then?
Dr. C: She did a work/study. How else do you think that those Top Secret
Organizations recruit?
> "I was with NERV before you came," Misato explained. "But I was over in
> Germany. Why do you ask?"
> "Oh, its nothing..." Shinji muttered. Misato shook her head.
> "How many times do I have to tell you," Misato scolded. "Evasive action only
> draws attention. Tell me what's bothering you."
T-chan: [Shinji] Well I've got this rash...
> "I was speaking to Christopher," Shinji told her. "He said that he did
> something to me and that I should hate him for it. The strange thing is, I've
> never met him before."
T-chan: He just thinks that he's never met him. After all, it's pretty hard to
tell who that was beneath the bondage mask.
Dr. C: Thank you ever so much for that image. I will never sleep well again.
> "He's a strange kid alright," Misato nodded in agreement. "Commander Ikari
> seems to know all about him, but he hasn't told me anything. Why don't you ask
> Ritsuko?"
Dom: [Misato] Buzz off kid, you're bothering me.
>
> "How is Christopher progressing, Doctor Akagi." Commander Ikari asked from
> behind his desk.
> "So far," Ritsuko began, her voice adopting a nervous tone.
T-chan: [Ritsuko] I told Maya not to give me any hickies! Oh God, he sees
them! Wait... my shirt's back on, no he can't.
> "His synch ratio has been recorded as less than ten percent for each of the
> EVA test bodies."
> "That is only to be expected," Gendoh stated, as if it was obvious.
Dr. C: [Gendo] I know something you don't know!
> "But sir," Ritsuko interjected. "Christopher refused to wear the neural
> transceivers. This could have been a factor in why his synch ratio is so low."
> "It doesn't matter.
Dr. C: Enigmatic, cold puppet master, or complete asshole. You be the judge.
> Christopher wasn't designed to pilot any other Evangelion apart from the
> Daedalus. However, in time he will become more useful to NERV
> than any of the other pilots."
T-chan: There's something about an avatar being set up as such a perfect little
bitch that really makes me want to hate...
Debuketsu: And go insane?
T-chan: No, just hate at this point.
Dom: I know that at some point soon we're going to be served up some enemy that
only god-boy can stop, and I'm going to be very cross. About it.
> "Sir, I must ask. Why have you decided to use Christopher? He's too dangerous.
> I'm sure you haven't forgotten the incident that..."
Dom: He spray painted your face on the side of the Geofront and wrote, 'I am a
wiener?'
> "Whether or not I remember is none of your concern," Ikari said slowly. "As
> are my reasons for selecting Christopher as an EVA pilot. But know this,
> Doctor. Once Christopher has served his purpose. He will be destroyed."
Dr.C: So... he's potentially your most valuable resource, is apparently
unstoppable, but you're planning on chucking him in the rubbish bin at the first
opportunity anyway?
T-chan: There's a difference between being a plotting, cold blooded, heartless
bastard, and being stupid, but this author apparently hasn't picked up on it.
Dom: This seems to happen a lot.
>
> Letting out a hideous bestial
T-chan: Fart.
Dom: Excuse me.
> roar, the Unit Daedalus' eye shimmered into life. It began to heave against
> its restraints in an effort to get loose.
Dr. C: It wants out of the fic almost as much as we do.
> Operators and technicians scrambled frantically to ascertain the cause of
> the sudden activation. "Status report!"
Dr. C: [tech] We've been sucked into another flashback!
> "Unit Daedalus has activated!" A technician shouted in surprise and fear. "Its
> power out put is full!"
> Out in the test chamber, the Daedalus tore itself free from is restraints and
> faced the observation window. Like Unit-00 before it, Unit Daedalus pounded
> on the walls, trying to attack Ikari.
Dr. C: If this is a flashback, then Unit-00 isn't even around yet, so it
certainly couldn't have attacked Gendo before.
Dom: Well, then obviously this isn't a flashback. Daed-le-o obviously suddenly
felt the need... to get up and walk around and... I sense much pain coming.
T-chan: I have a bad feeling about this.
> "Activate the Bakelite suppression system." Gendoh ordered.
> Outlet vents slid open in the walls of the chamber, and the red fluid sprayed
> into the chamber and began to pool around the Daedalus' feet. Sensing the
> danger,
Dom: Danger of what? Getting sticky?
T-chan: You should see what it does around popsicles.
> Unit Daedalus broke off its attack, instead punching its way through
> the side wall reducing it to chunks of rubble and escaping.
>
> Commander Ikari half ran, half fell as he pursued the Daedalus on foot. The
> berserk Evangelion had left a trail of destruction in its wake as it rampaged
> through the Geofront. GEHIRN staff, many injured,
Dom: The rest were just faking it, hoping for a cut of the insurance
settlement.
Dr. C: This _is_ a flashback, since it's called Gehirn, so there is no Unit-00,
it couldn't have attacked Gendo, and... and...
T-chan: You're eyes are starting to bleed. Here, have a hanky.
Dom: I think that the story canon is about to take a big shot in the junk from
a gunpowder one.
> lay either dead or dying in the broken remains of the research facility.
Dr. C: They got stepped on by an Eva, I should hope they're dead or dying.
T-chan: Give 'em a day in the hospital, that'll get them back on their feet.
Dom: I think that only works if you're Isamu Mitsurugi.
T-chan: So in other words, the tradeoff simply isn't worth the cost.
> Rounding a corner, Ikari shielded his eyes from the sudden brightness of the
> artificial sunlight of the Geofront. The Daedalus had broken into the Geofront
> through a wall, and what Ikari saw next shocked him to the core.
T-chan: Uh-oh, he finally found where Fuyutsuki and Yui kept slipping off to.
> Unit Daedalus and Unit-01 were locked in intense desperate combat, each EVA
> seeking to destroy the other. At first he thought EVA Unit-01 had activated
> itself much like Unit Daedalus, but then the reality of the situation slowly
> sank in.
> "Yui!" Ikari screamed.
Dom: Adrian!
Dr. C: Stella!
T-chan: Kahn!
> Unit-01's head turned in Ikari's direction, and gave the Daedalus a perfect
> opportunity to press home the advantage.
T-chan: Well now that was dumb.
Dom: I think she needs to spend some time with Mr. Miagi. Wax on. Wax off.
Dr. C: Could you imagine doing that for an entire Eva?
> Its hand flew up deep into Unit-01's stomach, causing it to collapse in a
> crumpled heap. Unit-01 quickly recovered and grabbed the Daedalus by the
> ankle, dragging it down to the ground. Both Units rolled around on the ground
> like two quarrelling school children until the Daedalus seized Unit-01 by the
> neck and lifted it bodily into the air.
> Blood dripped from in between Unit-01's teeth as the Daedalus crushed its
> throat.
Dr. C: I weep for Eva.
T-chan: So Christopher killed Yui, which is why Shinji should hate him and his
LCL soaked designer sweaters.
Dr. C: I bet you a week's worth of nights in the bed that this is how Yui gets
absorbed by Unit-01.
Dom: Oh how terribly clever, the ACC cramming himself into canon by being the
agent behind tragedy involving a CC's mother.
T-chan: We certainly don't know anyone else who's done that.
[sound of crickets]
Dr. C: This place really needs a good fumigation.
> Unit-01's body fell limp as the Daedalus relinquished its vice-like grip,
> letting Unit-01 sink to the ground.
> "Yui!"
> Unit-01 remained motionless while Unit Daedalus howled in triumph.
Dr. C: Who da man!
> As Ikari watched in horror, the Daedalus turned to face him, its eye ablaze
> with hatred. The sound of its footsteps deafened him as the gigantic machine
> strode forward with the intent to squash Ikari where he stood. Frozen in fear
> and unable to flee,
T-chan: In today's chapter Gendo will be played by a rabbit. A sweet, juicy,
tasty, rabbit...
Dom: You're drooling on me.
> Ikari could only stand and watch as the shadow of Unit
> Daedalus' foot encompassed him. He closed his eyes in anticipation of death,
> when he heard a sudden crunching sound.
Dr. C: [Gendo] I never thought that death would sound quite so much like a bag
of potato chips.
> Opening his eyes, Ikari saw that Unit-01 had reactivated. Unit-01 stood
> protectively before Ikari, Unit Daedalus lying several metres away from the
> impact of Unit-01's kick.
All: Boot to head!
> "Yui?" Ikari breathed incredulously. It was only after a few seconds that he
> realized that something was horribly wrong.
Dom: Yeah, isn't Unit-01's head supposed to be attached to something?
> Unit-01's eyes were ablaze with anger and its mouth hung open, revealing its
> red teeth.
Dr. C: Ugh, someone needs to start brushing.
> Its breathing was laboured and heavy as it stared at the rising form of Unit
> Daedalus. It was at this time, Ikari noted, that both EVAs knew that this
> would be a fight to the death.
Dom: No, not to the death, to the pain!
> The EVAs locked arms as they struggled with each other. Unit-01 clamped its
> hands around the Daedalus' neck, while the Daedalus laboured to tear away
> Unit-01's chest armour. Neither EVA seemed to be gaining the upper hand,
Dr. C: [Unit-01, waving D's arm] Hey, I've got it right here!
> Unit-> 01's chest armour was cracked almost to the point of falling off while
> the Daedalus's eye flickered sporadically as it was being strangled.
T-chan: [reading] Would you like to play a game? Daisy, daisy...
> Then, with a sudden burst of strength, Unit-01 forced the Daedalus to its
> knees. The Daedalus struggled in vain against the brutal power of Unit-01,
> scrabbling helplessly at the hands that threatened to throttle the life out of
> it. With a roar, Unit-01 lifted the Daedalus bodily into the air above its
> head. It brought it down sharply, breaking the Daedalus' back over its
> armoured knee.
Dom: Well, if you have to retcon the most important back-story of an entire
series, you might as well do it with style.
T-chan: [holds up a Yui 3:16 sign] Quick, while he's down, hit him with the
chair!
Dr. C: You know, not all Eva fights are styled like pro-wrestling.
T-chan: Oh yeah. Sorry, all that D.E.L.T.A Invasion must've gotten to me.
> The Daedalus screamed in agony as its spinal column was shattered, and
> thrashed about on the ground. Its limbs flayed spasmodically through the air
> before slowly falling silent.
>
Dom: I assume that it is at this point that Unit-D gets shipped off to
Antartica, and Christopher gets the Jonestown treatment.
T-chan: Funny how they both get better.
Dr. C: But in the first part, it's said that neither Christopher nor his Eva
ever awakened, and they both seemed pretty damn awake there, and-
Dr. C: I think you eyes are starting to bleed.
T-chan: I need my hanky back.
> Christopher stood on the gantry before the Daedalus, the EVA restrained in its
> holding cage. He closed his eyes for a moment, as if contemplating an action.
> "I know, I know," Christopher muttered. "Soon we will do it."
T-chan: Okay, now that's just sick.
Dr. C: Well like I said, the Evas are all supposed to be female...
T-chan: But think of the size difference. It's the opposite of the old
Wolfhound/Chihuahua joke. If they-
Dom: I strongly suggest that the two of you stop talking right now, unless you
want me to puke in your shoes.
> As if in response the eye of the Daedalus glowed slightly, and Christopher
> smiled.
Dr. C: Soon, all their base WILL belong to us!
>
>
Dom: That's two lines without text. I think the fic's over.
Debuketsu: For now, but don't worry, there are four more chapters to go. Bwa-
ha-ha! I will make you all suffer! Bwa-ha-ha bwa-ha-ha baw-ha- *hack cough
choke.* Gah, choked on a cheesecake.
T-chan: With all the hate that this fic has inspired in me, I'm sure I can
spare a bit for him.
Dom: Why do I get the feeling that he choked on an entire cheesecake at once?
Dr. C: I'm going to go back to bed and try to forget that this fic ever
happened.
Dom: Not if I'm going to take a shower you're not. I'm afraid to go back to
sleep after watching that.
T-chan: Why? Do you have images of Christopher and Daedalus-
Dom: When I said I was going to yakk in your shoes, I wasn't kidding.
Debuketsu: Ah, the sweet sounds of discord. Surely insanity cannot be far
behind. Now where did I put the emergency cheescake?
________________________________________________________________________________
- "That little twerp!!!" Asuka screamed in furious anger
MST notes: Okay, ick. Part One was bad, but Christopher really started getting
under my skin in this one. And there are four more to go. The next time I
think I'll consider something relaxing, like part three of Hellstorm, or maybe a
nice, inane crossover.
Msted by: Douglass Weeks
Stop by and visit Wonder Central, home of Doug's Fanfic Review, The Gospels of
Malachel, and soon to be home of Itinerant Press Productions:
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geocities.com/serdouglass)