The Bathroom Conspiracy of Women

Ok, I got an Instant Message last night (no, not from another underage cyber hoochie) telling me since I’m pretty much just sitting on my ass and not doing anything, then shouldn’t be any reason for me not to write another story. Ok, so by popular request of a certain Theta Fly Girl (luvu Beckles) heres one!

Why women goto the bathroom in groups, as theorized by yours truly, Seth Fishman:

All guys wonder why you girls goto the bathroom in pairs or in groups the size of hockey teams. What the hell is going on in there? Though perhaps we fantasize some sort of hedonistic orgy in the stalls, alas, that is not usually the case, at least not at the parties I am privileged enough to attend. After conferring with some guy friends of mine, I have come to several hypothesis’ (scientific method) on what is really going on in there!!
    The Conspiracy List

1. Plotting: (i.e. Caesar-ish, et tu brute?) The number one conspiracy. You girls are plotting and scheming in there. Whether it be to flirt non stop with some guy only to leave him reeling when he asks for your number or how you can get that certain guy away from that drunk bimbo, you girls are masterminds at this.

2. Negotiation: (i.e. NBA draft, baseball trades, the real-deals) The bathroom is the meeting room where you girls just divvy up the men and make deals. For example, “You can have Johnny, I don’t his small bony ass anyway,but in exchange, I want his friend with the big pecks” or “Ok, I know Arty likes you, but I really like him more than you do. So let me go have him and I will let you have my bottle of Boones and a man to be announced at a later date (I call this “drafting”)  Sometimes these negotiation talks involve other parties of women so things could be a little heated. “You thing he is going to give you time of day? Wearing those coochie cutter pants? Here, we will take Ross off your hands but you will owe us later.” Occasionally these settlements have other such slurs as “Fine, be a bitch, but that’s why no guy talks to you” and “He must be drunk to lay a hand on your ass”

3. Touch-ups: (the beauty parlor) Where the cover girls go to put on more cover girl makeup. Most guys hate this since we figured it took you forever to get ready in the first place that tune-ups show a lack of efficiency. Apparently it is ritual for girls to go in groups to share blush and lipstick. While I don’t mind having a little lipstick on my face after a kiss, I don’t like to look like a car accident nor does the taste do it for me. You may not enjoy the taste of beer; we don’t enjoy the taste of anything coming out of a compact. Yes, I’m venting just a bit here, however we do appreciate that you do want to look your best.

4. The mind game (cruel and unusual punishment) This is when you get up and goto the bathroom for no other reason than to make us sweat. Often this works. However if the guy is real sociable, or in demand, chances are when you get back, he may be taken already due to conspiracy #1 (plotting) of another group. Then you blame him for being a player or start talking smack about the other girls (“That slut just wants to make us jealous”)

5. Gossip: This is the real juicy stuff that most guys want to hear but aren’t privileged enough: Who slept with who, who cheated on who with whom, who hooked up with who, who was a lousy kisser, who was a dynamo in bed, who faked an O, who got their fake ID taken, who slept with two guys in one night, who is a switch-hitter, etc., etc., and etc. Me, I’d love to hear this stuff, guy gossip isn’t as nearly as exciting as women bathroom talk! Well except the discussions on “your monthly friend” that visits, any sort of infection, and waxing of any sort- these things I just don’t wanna know!!!!! Personally this where I think half of the sorority social committee meetings are held, but I wont swear on it.

6. The legit: Ok so occasionally you’re really hitting the bathroom for the right reasons. But do you need an entourage? This is just a cover up technique while the true dealings of #’s 1-5 are occurring (or in any combination)

Well I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did… so feel free to forward it all over the place. Its good bathroom reading material. Ok ladies, I know I just uncovered all your ways, but your secret is safe with me ;) What guys do in the bathroom isn’t as mystifying as you girls. Besides, your bathrooms are always nicer!