By SMF 1999

1500 Miles is enough time to redefine ones definition of the word “family.” While it certainly was quite a long drive to Philly, no injuries or fatalities occurred amongst the Fishman clan. However I do want to point out some interesting and entertaining bits o’ info:

Firstly the tourist trap known as South of the Border. For those of who are unfamiliar with this inflation of capitalism, it is Mexico minus any sort of Mexican authenticity. Pretty much an overexploited Taco Bell, though the size of a small inbred city (aka Riverdale, Starke –“Our convicts make their own liquid soap” or anything else near Ocala). They paint the place using various shades of primer while advertising their El Ripoff-o junk.

As a kid growing up, my family and I used to look forward to the drive from the north to Ft Liquerdale. Why? Because of the South of the Border billboards. I mean these things were pretty damn funny. I thought Pedro (spokesperson for South of the Border) was just a riot. It would make the time pass by.

However that was in the mid 1980’s. Now Pedro has been overcome by a case of blandness and political correctness. He has sold himself to the Man (insert Reel Big Fish song “Sell Out” here). I was recently crushed by this. How hard can it be here?? Now if I ran South of the Border, here are some billboard slogans Id come up:
“Tequilla – don’t be a little worm” “South of the Border, where the drinking age is 15!” “Pedro seis- let the other gringo’s play bingo, here we play 3 Man, Asshole and Chug It” “Cheech and Chong spoken here” “Fake Green Cards- get ‘em while their hot!” “Quien es su papi?” “Seth says – 8 by 10 naked photo’s, 3 for 10 bucks.” “Come look, hook, and Nook with Selma Hayek at South of the Border” “Pedrocita says, I like it when my muchacho goes South of my border!!” (damn im outta control! I need some nookie nook!)

I was amazed by the names of roads as well. I learned that when you go under any rinky dink bridge on I-95, that the road above is named something stupid. I suspect some sort of substance abuse took place when the namings occurred. My favorites – “Old Gun Powder Road” and “Dry Bread Road” Man, someone is smoking some corn husks here. Now if I could name some roads….howabout “DUI Drive”, “Pothole Place”, “Cop 50 Yards Ahead” and “Old Dirty Bastard Road”

I also realized that if you are dead in Virginia, something gets named after you. So go die in Virginia and they may dedicate a road barricade or lightpole in your honor.

I think in North Carolina they had two rivers named “Po” and “Ni” rivers and they occurred back to back. Now personally, I think the next few rivers ahead should have been called “Rides” “and Sheep”

My mother has this theory that the southern states (excluding Florida because she says theirs too many northerners here) have the cleanest bathrooms compared to the North. Testing this theory, we did see a direct correlation. I don’t know how to explain this phenomena except that Im sure Sea Bass and other hostile yahoo’s use them for their evening white hood meetings.

Other points of interest : the city of Waldo has more antique stores than people, Philadelphia is still a dump (we also saw a car get broken into right in front of us near Temple University), Burger King hash browns cause gastrointestinal damage, My grandfathers girlfriends nephew is the wardrobe designer for the new Hollywood Squares. Thats  no relation to me whatsoever but hey that’s ok, besides, one of my relatives used to direct low budget smut movies in the 70’s and that’s whats important!!!!!!

Well I am home now until next Tuesday and then its O-HI-O time!!! Hope your summers going good!!

“You and me… and a bottle of wine…” –Eagle Eye Cherry
“We like the cars…the cars that go boom!” –Lame yet funny unknown  hoochie group, circa late 80s