Bottles and cans
By SM Fishman 12/99

I dedicated this prose to bottles and cans- you will see the loose connection between stories!

My mom and Busch Light:

This is late breaking- the other day I was visiting Gville with my lil bro and we were going to go clubbing (well, if you can consider the Rotator on 39th a club- I kinda did, but there were some suspicious people in there!) Anyways, we threw in a 6 pack of Busch cans into the truck of the car for preparty which did occur because Im an idiot and cant follow directions. But that’s not the point- so these fine American exports are sitting in the trunk and we return to tampa the next day. When we cleaned out the trunk, my brother and I were like “ah, we’ll get those later” and left the beer in there.

So my mom borrows my brothers car to go food shopping. She’s getting her groceries taken out and pops the trunk and lo and behold- there were 6 cans spread out all over the trunk. I can just imagine my moms face and the girl who was unloading her groceries. My mom was a Isuzu trooper and took it well and made some jokes about it- but I knew she was kinda embarrassed- at least we are of legal age , otherwise Momma Fish would lay a can of whoop ass on us. Now that I think about it- they are still in the trunk…

My mom and more bottles of beer, part two.

When I was a kid, I used to collect everything. You named it- I had it somewhere- I just couldn’t part with anything. I collected junk too- anything I found in the streets or forests. This is a good reason why I got poison ivy so much- though the last time I learned to be more careful since I got it everywhere including on Mr.. Happy- an interesting experience seeing a 10 year old grabbing his crotch every 5 minutes. My folks were also blush about that one- but hey, damn it – it itched- but that’s another story.

Anyways, I collected beer bottle caps (hmmmm, can we say foreshadowing?) and I had a ton of them. I don’t know I collected them but then again I collected fungus, moss, etc (Egon would  be proud). SO my mom who always accidently stumbled across things (yeah right!) found my closet full of beer bottle caps and a few bottles of empty beer. Boy did my dad get a phone call!!! I had some explaining to do! My mom still tells this story.

This ended my beer bottle and cap collection until I got to FAU- there I amassed a small fortune (for those of who remember my dorm room my sophomore year in 1994-1995!) I must have been Anheiser Busch dream- always promoting their products all over my place! But no need to rehash my booze influenced décor style of mid 1990’s. Im over that phase now!!!!!

A 40OZ smackdown

Ok well so it was a 32 ouncer- but that’s not the point. So im sitting in the Breezeway Café  at FAU wasting time as usual- doing the social bit. Well we see this jackass (and Im being kind here) AEPi walk by wearing a Beta shirt!!!!!! Of course, it was one he stole, that bastard. So in a moment of rare testosterone, I rallied some of the toughest men in Beta (ie- Glen “Sweetchuck” Lerner among other brutes) and follow this joker out to the parking lot. Anyways, I decided that I was gonna get postal on Mr Wanna-Be so I picked up this empty 32 ounce “Magnum” and put it my backpack on the way after Mr. Candy-Ass.

SO we confront the swine- I do most of the talking, backed by my tough guy crew (JT). While I am bitching this guy out (he was pretty tall too, a good 6-7  inches on me or more) who stood there smirking most of the time, the 32 ouncer drops out of the back of my back and rolls onto the ground right in front of him! I thought the brothers were gonna just die of laughter. The notion of fear struck into this weasels face after that! No more smirky-smirk. And I just kept going off like nothing happened which was funnier.
LIKE I WAS GONNA DO ANYTHING with it!!! “Like House of Pain was gonna do anything!”- Swingers.
HAHAHA, I still laugh when I think of that story. Yes we got the shirts back along with many apologies from his chapter who later kicked him out as well…

Ive got plenty of other bottle and can stories…like roofing some Zima bottles at BJ’s 1st house party in ’94 (“It’s a Rave”), winging one at one of my pledge brothers and have Beer Bottle Barry from UF’s Beta chapter toss them at us when I was a pledge (what goes around, comes around!).

Or the time Chet emptied all our bottle collection in shot glasses and we did shots of the leftovers (which was NASTY) and after the second one , I sent a gift over the 3rd floor balcony. Lovely! Uncle Matty and Chet used to test their strength by tossing empty bottles at trees and on one occasion at the next building. This was Melrose 532 in ‘97/98.



“Boca , baby, Boca!”
“All I wanna do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom and a boom-boom!”- Guess??