Chalky Hearts and Horoscopes

Well as many of you know, I just can’t tell with scary movies. I never even seen Friday the 13th (or any sequel/spin-off/etc.). Though I have sat through such scary flicks as Spice World, Vegas Vacation, Revenge of the Nerds 3, Police Academy 6 and 7, and the worlds worst movie- Sgt. Bilko. Well this one isn’t gonna be about scary movies because frankly this is one of the few subjects that I am not an authority (other non-Seth authority subjects include, but not limited to: communion (Hi JT), neuroscience, any form of math, and how to tie a tie).

Instead, being the person that I am, I just had to write about another disaster in the making though there is only an 1 hour or so left before this day is up. I am kinda superstitious, I believe that everything is a "sign." Anyways, i had to follow-up the horoscope story (for those of you who were privileged enough to get a copy of my predictions) so here is Seth's horoscope for Friday the 13th:

                                     Seth's Horoscope Part Two

"Seth, this day will be your own personal hell. Though you are Jewish and dont believe in it, you might wanna start. You will arrive late to your Resident Director interview because some local hoods stole your driver's seat and you had to sit on a beach chair while driving. Plus Officer Duncan Doughnut just issued you a fine for not wearing a seatbelt (the duct tape didnt count) and a suicidal flying squirrel just plummeted to his death on your windshield, sending animal rights activists into a frenzy and calling you a Kevorkian protege.

But it gets better, Seth. At your dinner interview, the toothless waitress who keeps blowing kisses at you slips a roofie into your drink. You have no clue what is going on or what you are saying. You start listing all the places you have passed out at and your drinking feats and exploit stories arent exactly what a UF administrator wants to hear.

When you somehow arrive home, all your food has the chia pet look that only Egon from Ghostbusters would touch. Once again, the infamous carpet smell de-jour is formaldehyde. Meanwhile, the cute girl from downstairs decides to come over for dinner (what are you gonna serve her? Mold and spore samples?) comes over wearing virtually nothing but brings by her girlfriend who really is her girlfriend. Its like Chasing Amy deja-vu.

Meanwhile, things only get worse. Your computer decides it doesnt wanna work for you anymore. It talks back to you, saying such things as: "Hahaha, you schmuck, she has a boyfriend!" "You've got mail, but Im gonna forward to every psycho online" and "Im gonna go break into the Pentagon so they can trace the call back to your house so you can get 25 years in the slammer playing wife to Hor-hay, the Bolivian plumber."

Money, who needs money? Toothless waitress girl picked your wallet and your intoxicated roofie-ass gave her your pin code. Now she is buying herself some dentures and a new trailer so she can crank out some more kids for Jethro.
Have a day!"

Seth's list for those chalky heart candies that didnt make the grade:
"Doink Me"    "Spank Me"  "3-some?"    "Dont fake an O"   "Im really a man"   "Nice rack"   "Are you rich?"    "Switch hit?"   "This is a roofie"   "This is my birthcontrol pill"  "Im on the rag" “I need some nook!” “Want a protein shake?” “Bleach your mustache” “Boom I got your boyfriend” "Your impotent"  and lastly, "That wasn't chicken"


I hope as always this brought some smiles to your faces, and yes you can forward this to whomever, I hear that some of my stories get some circulation; Im sure the Seth fanclub and action figure is only days away.

I hope you all get some nook nook on V-day too!
Seth.
"A day without sunshine is like, night!"