Contact Lens!

There are just some things that have no logical explanation. For me, I always wondered what ever happened to Crystal Pepsi- I kinda liked that stuff. However I always have had what, for lack of better term, are known infamously as Seth Rebel Without Causes (SRWC). The list is pretty long and makes little sense to anyone but me, but to give some examples- I never wear shorts unless Im at the gym, same goes for sneakers and white socks. Another good example is how in high school I refused to own anything by Polo or Guess…to this day I refuse to wear polo style shirts. I did succumb to buying a Guess long sleeve several years ago but it hasn’t gotten much wear since FAU.

The point is this. I refused for countless years to ever get contact lens. No good reason, just another Seth rebel without Cause. However I finally gave in to the idea of a new look. And while most of you still havent seen me in contacts (I only wear them every other day, or at night when I go out- a new variation of SRWC).

As to be expected I spent almost an hour trying to get the bastards in the first time. It took 45 minutes just for one of the lens. I was amazed that I didn’t punch out the mirror out of frustration. I mean, it looks so simple. I considered at one point taping my eyelashes however I need to conserve the duct tape for the next time I tie……oh, sorry, got off track. Sorry, NC-17 thought just floated into my harbor.

Well I dropped the first lens… being the wise man that I am, I assumed that I would do this- so I cleaned my counter so they wouldn’t get dirty when I dropped them. Well of course I drop it on the floor…after literally combing my bathroom rug (insert the Spaceballs movie quote “I aint found shit!”) I began to panic. I was on all fours like a prisoner dropping the soap. How was I supposed to know that these lens stick like glue- the damn thing was stuck to the wall. Nasty. And what is up with this saline solution stuff? A total marketing scam- any idiot can put salt in water. How can you patent this one?

I literally rammed the damn things in my eyes and this technique worked. It was like a whole new world- I mean this whole peripheral vision thing- it was the best thing that ever happened to me since the time I had 5 hours of…oh there I go again!

So the next day I make the rookie error- the fatal one you never want to experience. Instead of rinsing out my contacts with the saline solution guess what I rinse them with? Yup, the damn disinfectant. I guess that red top on the bottle means something. Hey, its another suppresionistic scam- I mean how can I tell when I cant see anything any way. Now heres where I just turn into a primate/inmate species. Of course I don’t realize what I did and I put the lens in- and for the love of gawd I was never in so much pain!!! I mean I screamed like a banshee, and not in the good sexual way. My eye was bloodshot. Now after squirming around for 10 minutes, I make fatal error #2. I put the other in, figuring the first one just was just a fluke. And talk about being sadomasochistic. It was like deja-vu. Now any normal idiot would have had the common sense to take them out- but oh no, I figured I had them in already and I wasn’t going to spend another 45 minutes trying to get them out. I think I know what its like to give birth. I might as well poured Tabasco sauce in my eyes and tossed in some jalopeno peppers.

By now youre saying that Im not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. It gets better. Well nobody tells me your eyes become real sensitive when you do schmuck stuff like that- I go get in my car and try to drive to school. This was the worst driving experience I ever had. I would have been better off driving under the influence of crack, heroin, and other not Mom reccommended drugs. I couldn’t see a damn thing. It was horrible as I was a menace to both the living and the dead. I don’t know I made it to class, I couldn’t see all day.

Well the saga continues- so Im at the Beta house and in the bathroom making sure I look nice and pretty cause Im a hooch and guess what happens?? The super expensive left lens pops out! And of course it goes right onto the floor. Now if you have ever subjected yourself to a fraternity bathroom you know that Mr. Clean doesn’t hang out here much. I swear I need a tetanus shot every time I go in. Well for the luck of me- I find that damn thing, of course it was covered in things I’d rather not say. So , nervous like a gerbil in a Key West pet store, I rinse it out in water. Not a good idea cause I couldn’t get it back in!!! Lucky for me I just knocked on someones door and he had saline solution to rinse it out… this was a stomach churning experience and now I have this fear that my contact lens will fall out into a cup of beer….

And let me tell how you take it in the rear here- contact disinfectant is like 8 bucks a bottle- hell I once organized an 8 dollar sorority mixer back at FAU for that price (this is a true story, ask me someother time, because I never like to ramble….(“Sure Seth, and you can surf in Nebraska”)

And while I have everyone tell me how much better I look in contacts I still am unsure…and some of my friends walk right by me because they don’t recognize me- hey that may be a good thing. Just kidding.