By SMF, 1999

What a drive!!! Ive learned a lot during my drive to Ohio. First- Boss Hogg exists in Tennessee. Second, you can buy pecan log rolls 3 for a buck and towels by the pound…I started my drive from Valdosta, Georgia, a city with 5 different types of cops who stalk the shoppers at the outlet malls. (Hi Glen)

I realized that my drive to Atlanta was gonna suck. I suffered from my first case of claustrophobia driving through the city of Turner. 9 lanes of hellions bumper to bumper…I kept praying that people would get off at the exits…

After this nerve wracking experience (I was nervous like a juvenile's first night in a prison) I hit an awe-inspiring experience- Mountains! Im talking the real deal before Pam Anderson Lee had a rack implant mountains. Beyond D cup. Ive seen little trainer bra mountains up north but these were in the flesh. My ears kept popping as I went up and down the hills….

Let me tell you about north Georgia. This is where IQ’s start dropping into the double digits. I went to a gas station that also doubled as a liquor store. Now how smart is that to give Billy Joe Bob a quart of whiskey after filling up his Ford F-150 (complete with gun rack and John Deere sticker)?? Its like giving darts to drunk people at bars (Chet and I did this and I almost killed someone with a dart at the Grog House). However I was tempted to buy some moonshine.

I could see that Tennessee wasn’t an economical powerhouse as soon as I left Georgia the roads got awful. I don’t know what the color of the roads where but they matched the houses….I think it was primer. I made the poor choice of stopping for gas at truck stop- this damn place had slot machines and all these old people were just cranking away in hopes of winning some pickled pigs feet ($1.39 each) at the grease joint next door. You could shower there as well…man id hate to drop the soap and watch ol Sea Bass get too friendly. When I left this state, so did the jewish population.

Now a word about strip clubs- most of us are familiar with the Café Risqué outside of Gainesville. Apparently some entrepreneur has a chain of these things as I saw the same building about every 100 miles with the same early 80’s billboard models and the best thing of all “Great food” Now who the hell goes there for the cuisine?? Im sure Wolfgang Puck got his culinary start there. Hell Chef Boyardee wouldn’t step foot in that shady den of sin. As far as Im concerned who knows where they stick that food anyway??
(Gratuitous “Clerks” quote #33- “Oh those chicks will shove things in any hole. Any hole!!” Mental note- don’t order the banana split or cream of mushroom soup.

Another note on north Georgia and Tennessee. Ok all the cities were named by George Lucas. I stopped at a place called Aclec…and the next city was called Altoonie (not to be confused with its distant cousin, Tatoonie) I was hoping to see a Bobbe Fette town but instead I got plenty of Bubba’s instead.

Kentucky wasn’t too bad – I think theyre kinda  a buffer state separating the inbreds whose roads nor family trees fork from the rest of the somewhat civilized Ohio folk.

So tonight Im off to see Star Wars in a movie theater the size of my dorm room. Oxford, Ohio sure as hell aint Oxford, England!!


PS- for you Beta clowns. Ive seen the Campaneale, Peal of bells, Alpha chapter house, and all that jazz – its pretty cool- I will harass GF next week.


“It’s a dog-eat-dog world and Im wearing milkbone underwear”- I think it was Dennis Miller or Rodman or Menace.