The Personalities of Drunk People
(as experienced by Sm Fishman)

We have all been to parties and have subjected ourselves to a wide variety of drunkards at these festive occasions. Well I figure there is a distinct science involved here, categorizing the types of drunkards. So here is the list:

1. The Visionary: This is the person of who is so wasted that they have these crazy "what if" ideas. For example, "What if I drank a keg of beer and couldn’t get a hangover? Then world peace would occur!" Another name for this kinda person is the Delusional.

2. The Belligerent: Always one at every party, this is the person who always seems to go postal at the party. Behaviors involve swearing like a sailor and smashing beer bottles. Usually they piss off a borderline drunk who ends up starting a slugfest.

3. The Niagara Falls girl: No party would be complete with out a girl who just drinks and bawls all night. 90 percent of the time for no reason at all, or for reasons like "I miss my boyfriend (who just drove to pick up the keg)" Or I dont think he likes me..." And as always, the professional staff of counselors gathers around offering great advice such as "He's over there hooking up with that tramp" or "Men are all pigs anyway" or better yet (I use this one) "He's just a closet homosexual."

4. The Fish: (No not really named after me) This is the short guy who just seems to be able to suck down drinks at demi-god quantity.

5. The Butterfly:Of course there is the Mr/Ms Social person of the year who has to introduce themselves to everyone. Chances are slim if they remember your name 5 minutes later, however they always are super friendly and toss their phone number to just about anyone with a pulse.

6. The Monopoly guy: Then there is the rich pretty boy who just goes on and on about his Land Rover and daddies connections in politics. Of course, he has to price just about everything...and "...everyone has their price..."

7. Encyclopedia Brittanica: Otherwise known as the know it all. This individual amazingly holds a PhD in everything. We all know this type oh too well. Sometimes we seem to suddenly become experts on topics that we have no clue about. "No, a fine whiskey has 55 double blends." (meanwhile this person is drinking Albertson's extra gold whiskey in a plastic bottle)

8. The Rambler: This person just talks and talks and talks about nothing for ever. You usually have no idea how the conversation started and keep thinking of other things waiting for it end. You pray someone comes over and saves you from this dribbling fool.

9. The Hornball: Usually a guy(s) however I know several women who are also suspect to this. These people will hook up with anything -rock, mineral or vegetable. They have no shame and always will say the next day, "i was really drunk."

10. The Flirt: Mainly women, but an occasional guy can pull it off successfully; these people hang all over you and flirt just to no end. You have no idea what to think ("maybe she likes me, or maybe its that 8th Corona...") and usually when you think you might be hooking up, they end up passing out.

11. Hooked on Phonics: These people just have no clue that what they are saying isnt in any way English. For example, "Duck dat ya gool" Often a nearby translator trained in drunkenbonics is available to decipher these idiots.

12. Mr. Theatrics: Ok, these people seem to make a production about drinking. Like drinking tequila with all fancy theatrical BS. These are the same people who will later light themselves on fire while doing a flaming Sambuca shot. However, I had this girl tell me a week ago to tilt my neck while she put salt on it, did a tequilla shot and then lick the salt off me. It kinda did it for me...I used to date this body shot girl from Baja Beach Club in Lauderdale, and what she did was pretty insane too...well, she did meet alotta guys!

13. Parker Brothers: This group of people want to make a game out of anything. "Hey, lets play drinking checkers!" God bless these people, because at least some sort of creativity is involved until they realize that the deck of cards has been puked on. They sometimes become Visionaries too - "What if we had drinking games during Greek Week?"

14. Mr. Coordination: This is usually the person who walks right into the patio door thats made of glass. Often or not, alcohol abuse occurs as these detox's spill beer all over people. Also, their hands may seem to kinda wander around, so be careful unless you wanna get a "happy helper."

15. The Smurfs (hi Jewels!): These are the content, happy "I love everyone" drunks who have a hug and kiss for just about everyone. You could spill a beer on her dry clean only dress and she'd still give ya a bear hug. Later on these are usually the people who actually end up hooking up.

16. The Pocketpool: These guys just stand around and drool at the girls. They have either no courage or are too intoxicated to really speak.

17. The Couch Jockey: These guys are very territorial, but pretty much are the same as above, but at least drunk girls may sit on their laps.

18. Ms Lightweight: This is the girl who has one wine cooler and then is the drunkest person in the party. These girls usually make utter spectacles of themselves and often try and get that guy who normally wouldn’t give them time a day to hook up. Often the underagers are the guilty ones.

19. The Savage: Lastly, this is the guy who justs wants to check into detox. This guy will just drink Popov Vodka right from the bottle and chase it with a Natty Light.  Wash, rinse, and repeat. While he may think he has super human powers, he is always the guy lying in his own vomit in the bathroom.


Well Im sure many of you can relate and Im sure I could continue but im a little tired myself. So write back what ya think, Im gonna trim down my address list cause I havent heard from some of you in awhile.

"Its you and me and the bottle makes three tonight." -Big Bad Voodoo Daddy from the movie Swingers (a fine drinking film).

Seth is off like a prom dress!