There are times in your life when you need to conquer some of your fears- sometimes you can get away years avoiding the harsh realities of them. And while I haven’t quite come to terms with my fear of horror (and horrible) movies, after about 13 years, I finally confronted one of (if not the biggest) fears in my life (and no- I know what some of you are thinking, and damn it I really will “commit” myself and in relationship!)
I havent stepped foot on a plane in over a decade and really had little intention of doing so. This past Thursday, I was given no option as I had a job interview in central Michigan and my car wasn’t about to drive 8 hours. Besides, they were paying for my flight.
So being the guy that I am – I begin driving to Dayton to the airport – I really had no specific idea of where that was, however I figure in Ohio, all roads lead you to major town after 30 miles of Green Acres. I arrive at the airport somehow and park my car- I later find out the first parking conspiracy and ploy of capitalism: After entering the long term parking lot, (at least it didn’t say lifetime parking lot) about 100 hundred yards away was another long term lot at a much cheaper rate- so I took that one in the ass- a certain sign no doubt.
I go get my electronic ticket at the Delta gate- I learned soon enough that I was flying on Comair (read- CON Air). I showed the lady an email with my confirmation number- hell she never asked for my idea and any looney tune could have said they were me- but few are as dashingly devastating and sexy as my Mr. March (pending contract with Playgirl) self. “I used to be vain, but now Im just perfect”
Dayton was not an exciting airport though it did have a bar- I was considering having a nice warm and fuzzy drink however drinking alone is a sign of alcoholism and future CBS After School Specials (“Drinking at Airports – My Story”) so instead I watched the planes take off to kinda pysch myself up for my trip.
Now of course I am expecting the huge mother plan, instead I get the red headed bastard midget pond hopper. It was like a Micromachine. Of course, this plane was no expression of my man hood as we all know size doesn’t matter!!
The plane had room for about 30 and there were 4 of us total! I didn’t like that as I figured the pilots are better pilots when lives are at stake. Out stewardess was not looker either as Ive seen better looking rawhide. Another sign –ugly washout stewardess. I love how they try and go over the safety rules and explain how to buckle a seatbelt- and those crash safety plastic cards are a scream too. “Thank you for flying Comair- we are cheap bastards who wont even give you peanuts on this flight. Our pilot just got notice that he is being sued for that last crash however that’s not important right now” Our plane was equipped with extra yakety-yak bags.
As the plane excellerated down the run way I was dreaming of sedation. When it took off, I was holding on for dear life- I think I left permanent indentures in the seat in front of me- I became very religious as well, as the words “Oh my God” and some other rated R phrases filled the air- I swear the lady next to me was dead, she didn’t move the whole flight (remember the lady in Airplane! Who turned into a skeleton??)
We landed in Cincinnati (yes, Cincinnati, a city 40 minutes or so from Dayton and yes it would have been easier to just goto Cincy but noooooooo, Conair wouldn’t allow that those mongrels. So I had to subject myself to another flight to Grand Rapids after an hour layover in the Cincy dump.
Coming back from the trip I was treated to the royalty of Conair as they flew me home on a 50 person jet. However there was a delay because the “radar system was not functioning” This made me sweat a little during take off- its not like these pilots pull out a Rand McNally map and look for land markers “Look Kids, theres Big Ben” – National Lampoons Vacation.
My stewardesses were pretty damn good looking as I renewed my faith in Delta. I wanted them to fly my friendly skies. I now have a copy of the propaganda ridden Delta magazine they subliminally put in each seat and a few cookies that are really these Belgian wafers that I think are for Communion but I wont swear on it.
“Tommy, do you ever watch Gladiator movies?” –Airplane!
- Seth got no nook on the plane and thus did not qualify for the Mile High Club