Im not a big fan of flying as many of you know….however I do enjoy writing about my airline whacked out experiences of suppression, stupidity, and overall acts of the Lord that are unexplainable.

“No wonder she’s on a pond-hopper” Award goes to:

Joan, flight attendant at Delta who obviously has seen more red eye than a Kodak developer. She asked the woman (ok – no lie here, she looked like Pat from SNL), “What can I get you to drink, SIR?” – I almost choked on my quarter ounce of pretzel mix when she said that. Ok, so my neighbor looked like a extra from League of Their Own but still even I knew she was a woman…or so I think…Joan will be permanently sentenced to such exciting routes as Green Bay, Wisconsin to Eugene, Oregon for the rest of her career.

Speaking of quarter ounce of pretzel mix – I mean, what the fuck here? I remember when we used to get a REAL meal on planes!! Heck, gimme a bag of freakin honey-roasted peanuts, ya bastards! This is another conspiracy by the MAN to buy overpriced airport food at NFL football game prices. I came close to eating my US Airway napkin last trip. Next time I’m bringing a freakin’ pizza. Gimme a 5 Star!

Eating at Charlotte’s nice airport (I couldn’t stop counting all the honies!), I had Chinese food. Now first of all, don’t ever get Chinese at an airport; secondly this place gave out fortune cookies…that’s right, give borderline paranoids fortune cookies…might as well hand out bottles tranquilizers afterward. Besides, my fortune cookie sucked – said something like, “We spit in your noodle” or some shit.

Here’s a list of other fortune cookies you do NOT want to get at an airport:

“Your pilot is well rested…after having too much cough syrup”
“May your luggage arrive in 3 days”
“Don’t eat the snack mix on the plane, makes good rat poison”
“Your date has herpes – plan accordingly”
“You’ll survive the 20 minutes of turbulence – be happy”
“U got screwed on your airfare price”
“We use no MSG in our cat meat”
“Have you written your will?”
“Be prepared for a body cavity search at Gate 59”


Now another thing I don’t get is that freakin’ Sky Mall catalog. This thing is designed for fat ass wealthy lazy bastards. It’s like a Sharper Image store gone global. You can buy anything – wanna mirror for your ass? Sure, pay 80 bucks for a butt mirror. Need a heated sweater for your dog Fifi? $129. Chocolate turtles from Galapagos - $12.  Talking trash-cans – 87.50. Schizzle my nizzle! I could sell duct tape as a “terrorist capturing kit” for 50 bucks…..whats next, a plant massager? Hey, don’t go stealing my idea there, skippy!

If Seth ran an airline, some hallmark features would be:
Hooters Girls as stewardesses.
Boulevard beer on tap.
Body shots for $4 bucks
Mortal Kombat tourneys
Pappa John’s Pizza – pass that shit around.
Hell, pass the Courvesie – sheeeeeet, I’ll make Busta Rhymes an air marshall.
Porn movies….though I’d hafta replace the plastic bags with some Kleenex quick wipes.
Those velor blankets – not those syphilis infested ones ya get now that are like sand paper.
Techno replaces elevator MUSIK
And lastly, a Champagne room for those Mile High Club Members.


Seth always get stuck with the skank shift.
http://www.oocities.org/sethmatthew
Airline Suppresion v2.1