By SMF, 10/99

Here in Michigan besides being home to rusty American cars, we just recently had a “holiday” called “Sweetest Day” or something like that. No its not a Hallmark marketing ploy but another chocolate manufacturers propaganda campaign to sell more chocolate. It was this past weekend and it’s a big to do here- all these flowers and lovey dove things floated into our front desk area….Now of course this holiday is what I consider an Anti-Seth-itism holiday. Total suppression in my book.

Well now it got me thinking about how easy it is to have holidays in the US of A. So heres my list of Seth Holidays that you may or may not see in the near future:

Random Nookie Day
“A little sumthin’ sumthin’ never heard anyone”
Marketing gimmicks: $1.99 Wine Coolers
Sponsor: Fredricks of Hollywood, Miller Lite, Florida Theater
Spokesperson: Limp Bizkit
Target Audience: University of Florida

Jerry Springer Appreciation Day
“Oprah needs a warrant for her smackdown”
Marketing gimmicks: Wife beaters, folding chair sales, 2 for 1 dentures
Sponsors: Dollar General, Billy Bobs Cement Cinder Blocks
Spokesperson: Your local transvestite farmer- Yeehaw Mom and Paw!
Target Audience: State of Kentucky (except you Shelle, I miss ya!)

Open Container Day:
“Here here to cheap beer!”
Marketing gimmicks: big 12 oz red cups, Pabst Blue Ribbon girls
Sponsors: Milwakee’s Best/Beast, State of Kentucky (did I say I luv ya Shelle?)
Spokesperson: Spuds McKenzie
Target Audience: Spring breakers, campus lushes

Other holiday names that Hallmark rejected from me:
“Smurfette Appreciation Day”
“The Peoples Day” (wrestling reference)
“My fat ass cant fly coach day”
“At one time at band camp Appreciation day”
“Chicks with dicks day” (sorry had to make the Clerks reference here “ Oh these girls put mine to shame!”
“Men are just freakin’ scum day”  (slogan – “pass me the vibrator, sister”
“Melrose 532 days” Ahhh the memories!! Hi Uncle Matty
“Chug it day!” Hi Chet, Candice, Jeff, Brooke, Adri!