| Seth’s Conspiracy List - May 2004 Ok so my last e-mail fell into the dud category (with one exception – I got a great reply about a mother reliving her Woodstock days). Im gonna make up for it here. There are many conspiracies out there. Seemingly so, most have been targeted at my dating life. I can’t really help that part of things and will take 33% responsibility as such. But let me tell you the latest conspiracies: 1. Gas – All I can say is holy mother of men. $2.02 here, for El Cheapo Burrito gas. Boca is like $2.12 but they deserve that but the rest of the world doesn’t. Except maybe Guam but they don’t need cars there anyway. So do I have to put my gas on layaway? What am I, Wimpy from Popeye? “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for 5 gallons today.” Turn to the left and cough, Mr Fishman. The pain! “This my friends, is the white devils conspiracy” – PCU Right now buying a siphon sounds kinda good right now. There’s some people who certainly don’t deserve the octane in their hoopties. For example – the people who have $1000 rims on a $400 Oldsmobile. Its kinda like the Seth’s ketchup theory. Sure you can drench everything in ketchup but it still doesn’t hide the fact that you what youre eating may taste as good as Purina Kitty Mix. 2. Mapquest – Im convinced they are owned by one of the NOCO’s. Sunoco. Conoco. You get the picture. The bastard service always gives me directions that get me lost or are 10 miles out of the way. So you drive more, wasting more gas and always conveniently end up near a gas station owned and operated by the Man. The latest Mapquest screw-up sent me 5 miles the wrong way through Las Olas Blvd to get to Sunrise & A-1A (“beach front avenue”). Fascists. To this, Mapquest, I say, your time on Middle Earth is coming to an end……Sethquest – not only would you get there faster, but it will tell you where all the happy hour drink specials are and the male:female ratio at those places. Now isn’t that marketing genius? You heard it first. 3. I-95. Evil. The highway of slime, crime, and grime. Every warranted felon from West Palm to Hialeah (hi Art) all seem to converge their ghetto rides with no brake lights driving that Escort up your ass bumper to bumper MoFo’s. Every angry trucker with debris flying everywhere like a Twister outtake…. Piece of metal crack your windshield? Youre screwed like newest bitch in a federal prison. Get cut off? Go cry to your momma. Theres no crying in baseball and certainly none on 95 South. This road makes people angry. Nice people like you and me. There should only be a 15 minute limit on this highway of heathens. Like a former guest on Springer – avoid at all costs. >> Fun way to revenge on the world: Pull over in the emergency lane, flip on your hazard lights and pop your hood open and just walk away. Traffic will back up for miles as the rubber neckers gawk. 4. The use of the word “extreme makeover” – Im sick of it. You know what I wanna see? The reverse – taking hot people and making them ugly. How’s that for a twist? You heard it here – new on Fox next fall: Hotty to Skanky Fat Ass. Bizzam! 5. On-line dating services. Ok I am convinced that these things are a scam. So, I, uh, have this friend, who, uh, uses these sites and he tells me that all the profiles of people you see on there of the ones you like, likely don’t exist. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably isn’t…” Or peoples pictures aren’t representative of who they are. Well so I hear. Not that I would know or anything. AllSmiles75 – you never wrote me back – I hope your new boyfriend has monkey pox. Again, not that I would have any knowledge of how Jdate, I mean these websites work. 6. Lil’ John. The only man who’s vocabulary is one step up from a 3 year old. Im still trying to think of him using a word with more than 3 syllables. “Ooooook” All Delray middle school boys mimic him. “Yeeeeeeeah” What scares me is he is on every song out there – the latest being on Petey Pablo’s remix. Not that I’d ever listen such a song. “How you like me daddy?” 7. Von Dutch clothes and Paris Hilton wanna-be’s. Please stop. Stop now. You want the real thing? Go to the Mecosta County Fair in Big Huge Rapids, Michigan or visit the drive through movie theater in Hamilton, Ohio or River Men’s camp in West Virginia. However if anyone has the Paris Hilton publicity porn movie, let me know. 8. Drink prices in South Florida. I might as well ask for the down payment plan. 5 bucks for a beer? I can buy the 6 pack and drink it in the parking lot. I should resell it in the bathrooms and operate my own undercutting business. Mencher says that its worse in NYC – I will be finding out in July so I will everyone know. But don’t worry, Im showing up with a bottle of the Captain. Arrrrrrr. Anyway, I don’t expect Gainesville prices which are the best in the free world, or even Lawrence, Kansas prices but last time I checked, barley, malt and hops aren’t OPEC operated…..or are they? Hmmmm beer prices on the barrel…Budweiser maybe an acronym for Dube Sweir, beer sultan….I might be on to something. Or on something – gotta lay off them Pixie sticks. 9. Shoe stores, especially DSW. Every shoe I like is never in my size. Ever. Im cursed with the 8.5 tease. You look for a size 8 and you think you found it, but upon closer inspection, it is ALWAYS a size 8.5. And unlike women who seem to have the opportunity of a shoe store on every block, for men, a good shoe store is about as common as me sitting next to hot vixen on an airplane who just so happens to have just broken up with her cheating punk ass ex and now wants to get him back with an initiation into the Mile High Club. So basically, not likely. Seth also thinks it’s a conspiracy that they never made a sequel to Office Space. |