By SMF 1999

And so its been quite some time- hey over a month now. Build a bridge and get over it! But anyways! So here I am- in Michigan. For those of you who don’t know by now, yes I am working at a college called Ferris State University. (Insert all Bueller jokes here. “When Cameron was in Egypt land…let my Cameron go”) as a Resident Hall Director. We wont go into specifics here because I just don’t feel like it.

Conspiracies are all over the place lately. More suppression! So here are some acts of “what the fuck” that have been occuring in my new found life in Michigan.

1. Big Rapids- this is where I live. The name is deceiving because there are no real big rapids. Or big anything except some trucks that you’d swear came off ESPN’s Redneck Demolition derby. The town has more fast food chains than real places to eat. We do have a Big Boy, quite a classy place. Big Boy- what a guy!

And in this town of townies theres this fast food place called “Hot n Now” where they really do just microwave your food for you. Down the street is some yahoo bar where the teethless wonders brag about 25 Cent Smores that you can roast outside.

2. Booze: The state of Michy regulates the prices of this stuff so there arent any sales and the prices are almost the same everywhere you go. We have whats known as “party stores” all over the place where you buy the cases of Natural Light Ice. It is easy to acquire moonshine here as well, though I havent seen it in Mason jars yet. Nothing like home canning.
3. In addition to the feds controlling Mad Dog 20-20, the state charges a bottle deposit so you hafta return the bottles to get your dime back (per can as well). This seems like a great idea since it controls the jerk off who tosses bottles from the 3rd floor of an apartment (see Melrose 532, Gainesville Florida for details. Ask for Chet, Uncle Matty, or the other tree huggin’ roommate for more details).
4. Religion- All I can say is that I can say is that I am the Jewish population. I am not sure if that will qualify me for a Rabbi entitlement. Besides, would you want me circumcising your kid? There’d be a few eunichs running around…I’ll just stick to the Manishevitz quality control volunteer work.
5. Gas prices- they go up every Friday at noon to screw the tourists who head to the Upper Penisula and Mackinaw Island….They go down Sunday evening. These capitalist swine…
6. WalMart is still the big meet market. “Hey bebe, wanna see my camoflauge?”
7. People here somehow get off on hearing me say “watah” If I say H2O it causes some confusion among the natives.
8. My apartment is baby ass blue, wall to wall. Even the damn ceiling and smoke detector. Its like living in a Smurf. Not that’s bad, hey Smurfette was a babe. I’d shag her rotten. (note: the author appologizes for this sick statement, but he wants you to consider his dating pool here. Besides, Id be curious to see if the “curtain matched the carpet.” Ok now THAT was sick!)
9. Everyones car is rusted- it’s the state color here.
10. I jumped off a 30 foot cliff into Lake Superior which was 55 degrees. On the 3rd time, I struck a pose (theres nothing to it, Vogue!) and almost belly flopped. My whole right arm was red for 2 days. Now I like to be smacked around but, oh wait, sorry, too much  info for you!!




I miss you all and don’t be a stranger!
“Michigan- where then men are men…..and the sheep are afraid!”