The Pager Story
By SM Fishman 1/00



Ok, I was in the middle of writing another story when this one floated in due to an act of the of the lord (and gravity) so here goes:

I first became interested in pagers back in the mid 80’s. My father wore this mini box of a pager that somewhat resembled a battery charger. He had it for his weekend duty and I thought my dad was the “kewlest” whenever it went off. I’d be like yeah my dad’s a drug dealer (well he’s a Pharmacist, same thing minus some big gold chains, a lowrider hooptie and a sidekick killer pimp named Guido).

When my dad got out of the weekend biz, I used to wear the thing around the house- now we are talking back when pagers didn’t have any digital readings- it was just a black box with a red light that would pierce the ears of all within 20 yards. Besides, it didn’t even have vibrate! I mean c’mon!!! Spin cycle me somebody! (ok, so this winter weather’s making me not only chew ice but have icicles attack me)

I got to FAU and it seemed like these things were stock issue to everyone in Boca. You didn’t just get a phone number, you got a beeper #, voicemail #, car phone, guest house, and otherwise a freakin headache.

One of my partners in crime, Mitch, had one of the older ones but with a digital display and of course, the vibrate. Mitch was sure to tell me what the vibrate was good for however I just don’t see a woman going for the whole idea, but Im sure there’s an internet site for “Bitches and Beepers” Just think of this quote for a photo “Look at I what found ,honey!” or sicker yet “I need more batteries!”

That’s not the point. So Mitch gave me his pager in 1995. This was in my IFC prime, big man on campus and all so I felt justified having one. I have had the cheesy gold chain so it wouldn’t fall out of my pocket or anything. I had this for about 6 months before I ran real short on cash and gave it up. But I loved the damn thing.

Oh I forgot- earlier I had found an old pager which wasn’t working but I still wore it for a few weeks before anyone caught on. Hey, it told time. Jenkins razzed me about it- he still does. Well I don’t know whats worse- that or Kendrew’s fake earrings (which were Wrigleys tinfoil) but I don’t wanna sell him out!

Firstly, Im guilty of putting in cutesy number codes into the girls I was dating at the time’s pagers….awww…I know. But I didn’t have my own language or anything. Some people I know have complete conversations on their pager through numbers- talk about free time!

Ok, well lets get to the real story here: I carry a pager 24-7 for work. Its my electronic leash. I don’t get many pages and im thankful for that. Now that I’m a professional (ok, laugh it up!) I wear mine on my belt usually or sometimes hide it in my cargo pants…but mainly the belts. Now its important to always wear a belt (public service announcement).

So Im in my bathroom , pretty much draining the main vein of Spain. Usually I wear wide belts but I have one that’s just a normal one. Well normally my pager doesn’t even move off my belt….well so there I am….and all of the sudden I hear this big “klunk” and splash!!!!!!!!! YUP! My pager slid off my belt and right into the toilet!!!! OK, well I will keep the details minimal here but yes I did retrieve it!!!!

Of course it isnt working after I get it out. The waterlogged thing just keeled over. And then Im thinking how the hell am I gonna explain this one to my boss! “Yeah Jon, I pissed my pager off” That’s just gonna go overwell!

So I bring out the hairdryer and take it apart to get some of the water out but to no avail….Im thinking of every excuse in the book…getting nervous like a gerbil in a Key West pet store…….

Now we have a happy ending- the thing kicked in last night out of nowhere and has been fine ever since. I have yet to tell any of my co-workers yet but I will be soon- im saving it for later (and to make sure the sucker works). And yes, I did rinse it off , thank you very much. Atleast it was “number one” and not a “number 2” – Friday reference.

-Seth wants a pager that has sound effects to go with the vibrations.


My website is up and running- I will give out the address soon!!