Why my Prom will be never be forgotten:
By SM Fishman 5/00

Im sure, or so I hope that you all got to experience going to your high
school prom. This is certainly a ritual in the life of a teenager. Mine was
more like a hazing. My date was some sort of submanisfestation of evil. 2 or
3 of you probably remember my wild woman. I will impart this scarring life
episode to all of your amusement. Im not using her name because Im sure she's
still striking a pose down in South FloridaI dedicate this to Katzy who's
been waiting for this for awhile.

Prequel: I was cruising Ft Myers beach one night, pretty much looking for
women. My lone wingman on this journey was my Israeli buddy, Rotem (yes it
rhymes with, ya know! See Seinfeld episode for female version) where we met
these two girls, Brandi and Hoochie Momma. Hoochie Momma was a self appointed
Goddess, in her mind. Yes she was attractive, but not all that. However she
seemed to have every low rider Dr Dre playin' punk ass checking her ass out.
Literally.

It seemed like she was into Rotem which was fine by me because Brandi was
more my type- a thin brunette who smiled a lot but was a bit shy. Perfect. We
all exchange numbers. I go to visit Brandi the following weekend and had a
pretty good time- things looked optimistic.

Mistake #1: I get a phone call from HM (Hoochie Momma) who was telling me
things with Rotem were not progressing. She also said that Brandi was not
interested at all in me! A blow to my testosterone laden ego! So what do I
do? Like a schmuck I believe that scandalous wench.  Oh, did I just say that?
Sorry. Anyways, another classic example of me fucking up a high school
relationship.

Mistake #2: So she calls me the next night and we were talking about prom.
Now Ms. Runner Up to Ms. Cape Coral (she really was) somehow cons me into
taking her to my prom! She asked me! So here I am- Mr. Ive got me a model for
a date! Its all down hill from here.

Yes she was the most vain girl ive ever encountered (at that point in my
life- she was surpassed by Ms Vanity from Lynn University) . Besides bragging
about her modeling career and future at Julliard (she never got in) she never
listened to anything I said. I reflect now that perhaps I was smoking some
crack.

The Big Mistake: I figured that Ms My body is great would be at least be one
of the best looking women there. As long as she didn't talk, things looked
good. She went to great pains to tell me about how she was getting all
hooched up and would be stunning. This sounded good to me.

Downhill #1: I arrive to pick her up at her house- I don't know what the heck
happened, but instead of her straight hair, she had it permed. Bad idea. To
make matters worse, she wore a dress that looked like a shiny smurf. But
wait, Im not done. Her hair turned into Hair Bear- I was amazed at the fro! I
was already kicking myself in the ass.

We arrive back to my house in ft myers to do the "lets take lotsa prom
pictures routine" with my family. My brother was all shits and giggles when
HM strolled in.

Our prom was at the Holiday Inn in town with some novel theme like "lets get
drunk and screw" ok im kidding about that. Im sure it was some teenie booper
motif that would make my stomach churn now.

Downhill #2: My date really was a hoodrat! HM immediately took to the dance
floor without me. My friends were in utter amazement and laughter. Chet will
tell ya, my date was in her own self centered world. Most of the time she was
the only one out there dancing. My friends consoled me.

Madonna wannabe: Well the song "Vogue" was the big rage (along with the
dance) and when it came on , she went nuts. She got out there and did the
Vogue in front of my whole class. To this day, my friends wont let me live it
down (Hi Brian). It takes a lot to embarrass me and I was a good
Storm-trooper about it but I was the talk of prom and I didn't even do
anything.

Revlon Reject: Oh I failed to mention that between her Madonna renditions,
she went to re do her makeup every 20 minutes. I kid you not here! It was one
of the few times I really ever made a comment like "Youre fucking kidding me,
right?" to a date. (see stories about Ms Vanity and Ms. Bi-sexual high school
dropout drug addict pathological liar bitch ass for other "Youre fucking
kidding me's"

We stayed for awhile. I was pretty disgusted at that point and instead of
taking her to the after parties- I drove her ass back home (20 minutes away)
and came back. When I got back the pictures, I went to her house and dropped
off all of them but one.

While we talked the next day, I was washing my hands clean of her. She did
not like this. I saw her at the mall and she freaked out and was real upset
that I pretty much gave her the shaft (and not in that sense!). She actually
made a scene in the mall and screamed something like "Nobody does this to me"
bit. I later bought a nice shirt at the Gap. I felt like throwing that in.

Blast from the past:  3 years later, I see her at Club Boca while I was a
junior at FAU. I almost keeled over but it was Hoochie Momma live. She was up
on stage with one of her stripper friends and looked almost the same, minus
the Afro. I could see the shallowness drip from her pores. I wasn't sure if
she had a rack job, but it wouldn't surprise me. She made eye contact with me
and I gave a faint hi- that was it. I was not gonna subject my party crew to
Ms I think Im all that. Not gonna front me! I think later she was with her 50
year old bald pimp but that's an unconfirmed rumor.

And there you have it! "Strike a pose, there's nothing to it!"